Why Wait?

I'm stepping outside of my usual blogging box today. I must admit this is way more uncomfortable than the usual discomfort in general sharing. I usually avoid, "popular" topics and opinions and stick to less weighty (pun intended 😉) topics.

It all started when I saw a meme that randomly evoked a super strong emotional response in me this morning. The meme was a picture of the elderly Rose from Titanic. It said "Rose has now accused Jack of misconduct on the Titanic... It's been 84 years."

This my friends, is why women never say a word. This is why a woman may choose to carry her assault in silence, potentially forever.

This post is not open for discussion as to whether or not everyone coming out and claiming harrassment or assualt is honest. It's not mine or anyone else's place to judge. I do pray that if any are dishonest they understand the harm they are causing those who have actually lived the nightmare.

I pray that instead of judging we, as a collective person, would wrap our arms of comfort and love around any woman brave enough to speak out about her assault, whether it is moments later, weeks later, or even years later.

I don't believe I am naive in saying that many of the women speaking out now, years later, aren't even seeking justice, they are seeking peace. They need a weight lifted they have carried alone for far too long. They have found a moment in time to be heard and believed, regardless of how high profile, or even quiet their case/voice may be. They have come to this moment to be heard and maybe be a part of shaping the culture for future generations.

With sexual assault being a top headline nearly every day there are thousands, no I would imagine hundreds of thousands of women suffering in silence, reliving their attack again countless times each week. Reliving it no matter how long ago it happened, or how much they thought they had healed. This is what is causing what seems like an explosion in reporting. (That and the media realizes people are taking it in and keep rolling with it)

The toll this continued headline is having mentally on women who have never spoke out is exhausting. I believe the longer this continues to be a top headline, more women will continue to find courage and empowerment to tell their secret. Even if just to let other women know that it's OK to share. The more women who speak out now, the more we can give women the courage to report their assault in real time. Maybe the more women who begin to feel courageous enough to report their assault in real time the less assaults there will be to report.

But what is happening in these women's most courageous moment?

We are silencing them again. Silencing them because they waited too long. Reminding them of why they chose to never speak up in the first place.

No one will believe me.

His word against mine.

It could ruin my relationship/marriage.

Maybe it is my fault.

People will think differently of me.

It's too late, nothing can be done about it anyway.

Shame in family/friends finding out.

Let's take some time to reflect on the real problem - not that women sometimes wait years to speak up. Not that so many are coming forward. But how about why men sexually assault women and get away with it for so many years. Why do women feel they must remain silent allowing these behaviors to continue. How can we help?

Ladies (men too), have conversations with the women close to you. I guarantee there are many women struggling and afraid to share. Even if they never choose to share, it will comfort them knowing you support them.

(Side note: I wrote this post early this morning. Since then, a lengthy conversation at work was held on the topic and I've seen other posts condemning women for coming forward too late. I've watched people state that enough is enough and it's time to stop, that they are tired of hearing about it. Guess what, victims are tired of it too. Tired of reliving it and tired of wishing they had come forward in real time. But they didn't, and their moment to seek help is now.)

(And side, side note: Sexual assault can happen to anyone. I use the term woman here, but the problem is definitely not limited to females only.)

Wednesday Weigh In!

I had another great week! Not a perfect week, but a healthy week!

Alright, so the plan was:
● Eat clean - I had zero planned events this week
● Walk Monday - Thursday
● HIIT Tuesday - Thursday
● Core De Force - Monday, Friday and Saturday

What really happened was:
● I ate relatively clean. I haven't even been having my "fun" coffee on Saturday morning, just good ole black coffee. I made some pumpkin oat cookies Saturday with chocolate chips (1 batch white chocolate, 1 batch dark chocolate) Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I over-baked them so I've managed to not devour them all. Here's a look at a bit of what was on my plate this week

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● I walked Monday - Thursday

● I did HIIT Tuesday - Thursday

● And Core de Force on Monday

Somehow I then took my long weekend as a rest weekend instead of a rest day. Friday I was off and ended up with a repairman coming by so instead of sleeping in and getting my workouts in, I went shopping. I can't say I was horribly disappointed. However I think it set the tone for the rest of the weekend.

Regardless of how much I moved or didn't move, I was down another 1.8 pounds this past week! That's 6.4 pounds from 10/28 - 11/13. And I am back to a total loss of 117 pounds. It feels really good to be getting back to where I had been!

What's on the agenda this week?

● More clean eating - with the possiblity of a road trip Saturday (#AJPROUD). That will be my first real challenge regarding food since starting back. I'll consider it prepping for Thanksgiving, which is very quickly approaching.
● I plan to walk 6 days this week (on the treadmill if weather has other plans)
● HIIT Tuesday and Thursday
● Core De Force on Monday, Wednesday and Friday

Of course, let me know if you'd ever like to talk about getting started, picking back up or just accountability for your journey. I'd love to help any way I can!

What's Your Type?

Sooo, I'm a little type A... o.k., maybe a lot  type A.

Type A personality defined:
"A temperament characterized by excessive ambition, aggression, competitiveness, drive, impatience, need to control, focus on quantity over quality and unrealistic sense of urgency." (businessdictionary.com)

If we take competitiveness (only in some things), impatience, need for control and unrealistic sense of urgency I think you'd have a fair description of me. Or at least part of me. These things usually seem negative to me, but used in the right way they can be positive too. And I'm very aware they aren't my only qualitites, but they are there and front and center a lot of days.

Due to my type a-ness I like schedules, I like plans, I like to know the next step. I struggle greatly when it comes to going with the flow. Ask anyone who has ever made plans with me. I am however aware of this and I try really hard to be flexible. Some days go better than others. 😊

I also know that to some people this really might not seem like a big deal, however I think it is. I think it's important that I remember I am not, nor will I ever be, the one in control of my life- God is. And God has far greater plans and dreams than I could ever imagine for myself.

When anything seems out of control, not even bad, just uncertain, my mind begins to race, over 100 mph, to find a solution to my non-existent problem. I begin forming solutions that actually aren't solutions at all unless I somehow know the future. I see it as planning. I figure if things work out this way, then I'll have it all mapped out. BUT, if I get thrown a curve ball and this happens, then BOOM, I'm not surprised, I've got options planned for that too.

What a waste of time!

Because you know what happens?

Something like what happened at work this week where I was given the chance at a new role. Something I think I will actually love but would have never agreed to a few months ago. Something I most certainly would not have planned myself.

Now it's God who gets to say BOOM.  He's saying relax, He's got this. I need to stop trying to figure it out and let Him lead.

He reminds me to look back at how far he has lead me so far. He has never once let me go. Never once left me without. Never once left me alone.

Weekly Weigh In

I do have numbers to report this week!

But first, how did the week go?

Well, the plan was eat the "Clean Week" nutrition plan, follow the "Clean Week" workouts and walk Monday - Friday. What actually happened was, Halloween evening dessert, one clean week workout, one treadmill workout, one HIIT workout and 4 walks.

Welcome to reality 😊

Plans are guidelines and a great place to start. My #1 focus right now is nutrition. I think workouts will happen with more regularity as I eat cleaner and begin to feel better.

So what is "Clean Week"?
"Clean Week" was put together as a program for people just getting started. Seven days of workouts and 7 days of clean eating all planned out for you. I enjoyed the nutrition plan as a great transition from "3 Day Refresh" the weekend before and then back to what is considered regular daily eating.

I stuck to my nutrition plan the entire week, including my planned treats on Halloween. I did not count points, calories, or containers all week. My mind had been feeling really restricted so I made a deal with myself - EAT - the only rule, it has to be clean, real food. I planned out my week and bought extra fruits and veggies for any hunger pains. Guess what? It worked! I enjoyed lots of good food and I plan to continue this until I hit a plateau then I'll count something.

Let's talk workout.
I was very sporadic but I moved every day except Sunday.

I walked 4 days

I did Couch to 5k one day

I did a HIIT workout

I also did one "Clean Week" workout

The "Clean Week" workout was great. It was set up HIIT style. The trainer, Megan, takes popular moves from Beachbody workouts and created a week long program. I would feel comfortable recommending the workout to anyone. She shows modifications and builds on moves to increase intensity. Each workout is 30 minutes.

All in all I call the week a SUCCESS!

In full disclosure, when I started Refresh I was up approximately 20 pounds from my lowest weight. But, I am not focusing on that because that cannot be changed. I am focusing on good choices each day and hoping to slowly get back to there... and then beyond!

After my first 10 days, I am back on my way! I was down 4.6 pounds since October 28th when I started Refresh. I'm weighing on Monday's now and 1.4 of those pounds were from October 30th to my weigh in this week on November 6th.

Current total weight loss since June 1, 2013 is 115 pounds.

Curious what's on the agenda this week?
More food - real, tasty, clean food 😋
Core de Force at least 3 days, 3 HIIT workouts and morning walks Monday - Thursday 💪

If you ever want to talk goals, getting started or next steps message me anytime!

Mind Games

No one likes to feel like someone is playing mind games with them. But what about when we play mind games with our own brain?

The whole "get healthy" journey is far more mental than most people would imagine. Dedication and obedience to anything you want takes a tremendous amount of mental strength.

Food is everywhere. Poor food choices are far more readily available and convenient than most healthier options. So I decided to do something a little drastic to work on resetting my brain.

If you know me at all you know that I DO NOT believe in quick fixes. There just isn't one. There are band aids, not quick cure alls. It takes a lot of work to get and STAY healthy. And regardless of how much emphasis we place on a number on the scale, that number does not indcate "healthy". But I digress.

Last weekend I did a reset, well I guess technically a refresh - 3 Day Refresh to be exact. I picked a weekend without a lot going on and got started. I planned to start on Saturday. On Saturday morning I laid in my bed for 30 minutes refusing to get up because I didn't want to do it. (Yes, I am super stubborn.)

All I could think was if I planned to do this and continue to make healthy choices after the three days I was going to have to give up a lot. Halloween was only days away. As I laid there I found me talking to myself (don't act like you don't) reminding myself of the fact that had I stayed on plan and not enjoyed so many treats throughout ALL of 2017 we wouldn't be having this conversation. I would possibly be at goal and enjoying anything in moderation.

But there we were at the end of October trying to get it together. SO I eventually got out of bed and got started. The plan eliminates dairy, grain and meat. The general outline is as follows:

Breakfast: Shakeology and Fruit
Mid Morning: Fiber Sweep
Lunch: Fruit, Veggie, Healthy Fat and Vanilla Fresh Shake (LOTS of protein)
Afternoon Snack: Veggie and Healthy Fat
Dinner: Vanilla Fresh Shake and a Dinner from the list of options (Lots of good options!)

You also should drink a lot of water, and there are a couple of time for unsweetened or green tea during the day.

I did make a few adjustments. I used Shakeology instead of the vanilla fresh. I just don't like vanilla flavored things... except ice cream ;) I also added a little grain and meat on day three because I planned to do a morning walk and evening workout. I planned to do the "Clean Week" nutrition plan and workouts this week following the refresh as a great transition.

The refresh went great! Much better than I thought it would as I laid in bed last Saturday morning. I feel much better. The real test is committing to a a continued clean(er) diet from now on. To not make a million excuses to cheat, because my mind is an expert at justification when it comes to little treats here and there.

I can do this. I have done this. I will do this.

I know I feel so much better mentally and physically when I"m fueling myself with proper nutrition. I think a lot clearer and have so much more energy when I fuel myself properly. With the cold, dark, winter months coming keeping me mentally and physically healthy is going to be especially important. Because those months can play horrible mind games on us.

I will be getting back to posting weekly updates to let you in on how things are going... and to keep me on track! Be sure to follow me on Instagram (mandyhazel) and/or Snapchat (manda_nic) for more of the day to day of the journey.

(Sidenote: Was planning to start Core de Force next week, however Beachbody is doing a sneak peek of their new program releasing in January that I am really looking forward to. If anyone would like to do the sneak peek with me Monday - Friday, let me know!)

Weekly Weigh In!

Heads up, if you came for numbers, it's not about numbers today. However I do have some other things to weigh in about.

I started this blog a very long time ago after reading "Kisses from Katie" (Read it if you haven't... and check out her new book after that "Daring to Hope"). This blog started as a place to share my thoughts. I don't claim to be a great writer but I do enjoy it. As time moved on I began a journey toward getting healthier and this blog became a place to check in about that journey as well.

As I began the adventure into coaching I started a fitness Facebook page and that became the place to share all things from the journey of better health. I began to blog less and less as all my thoughts were already out there. Back when I only had my personal page I struggled with potentially oversharing about health and fitness and driving you kind people crazy.

Maybe I'm just getting old, but I'm ready to simplify things a little and hopefully revive this blog, finally. I'm not sure exactly what this looks like yet, but I am saying goodbye to my fitness page. All of my journey will be documented through my personal page and this blog (and well, Instagram and Snapchat... so simple huh ;) ). The really in depth portions of my journey will happen in my Facebook accountability group. I'll share the real day to day stuff there, however Instagram and Snapchat will likely include some of that as well.

Blogging is going to give me a chance to get back to weekly updates like back in the old days, and hopefully inspire me to write more throughout the week. Milestones will of course be documented and celebrated with you all, everywhere. It may just take me a little time to re-find my comfort level and a good balance of what I want to share. I can tell you that being transparent and sharing publicly is amazing accountability for staying on track. But I had really begun to shy away from it, even on my fitness page. (Maybe because I was struggling so much I didn't feel there was much to share?)

That being said something has been weighing on me lately.

Disobedience.

Knowing that I am being disobedient by not eating healthy. Not seeking help from God when I'm tired of healthy foods and want all the ice cream, brownies, and cookies I can find. Struggling with the I'll start tomorrow, or after this event, or I don't want to be that restricted girl, or this or that, or a million other excuses.

I want to "enjoy" things just like everyone else. The problem is I need to learn to really enjoy food that fuels.

While I've been a little frustrated with the lack of physical progress in 2017. I've been amazed at the mental progress. The willingness to never give up no matter how far I've strayed or for how long. Maybe this year has gone exactly like it's suppose to. Maybe I was starting to feel restricted and stuck so God said go for it, be free, as a reminder of where I once was and then rekindling the desire of where I want to be.

I want to be back where it's simple. Where it's about just living life. Where that life is about being the best mom, friend, employee, sister, aunt, etc., I can be. And the way to do that is to be the healthiest me I can be.

So let's do this!
Again.

The Popular Choice

I finally have something to say again that I feel is blog worthy!

I've loved Jen Hatmaker for a very long time. Her writing style is something I really connect with. Her humor, her sarcasm, I just really felt she got me. Over the past several months however I began to notice a change, maybe those beliefs were there all along and she just know feels comfortable enough to share them, maybe they are new, I may never know. What I do know is that I don't agree.

What I also know is that the situation she know finds herself in, has really convicted me.

While the topic of my food choices doesn't hold the same weight as the choices Jen is publically professing, I've been thinking a lot about what I choose to do in public.

I don't have hundreds of thousands of people following me, but as awkward as it sounds, I do have a handful who I think, look to me as an example of how to eat better, take care of our bodies and hopefully most importantly look to Christ as a way to do so. And this is where it started to get uncomfortable for me.

I've talked before about the awkwardness of social eating when you put yourself out there with your healthy lifestyle. While I know it's not true (at least for the most part) I feel like all eyes are on my plate to see what I'm doing. And by eyes, I mean eyes of judgement. Judging whether I'm choosing to eat healthy enough that day or even eating enough. And that has cause some serious social eating anxiety for me in the past. But, I am doing much better with that know... maybe too much better. I feel like I've completely flip flopped.

Instead of using those thoughts of possible judgement as accountability to keep my plate healthier, I've decided to eat how I want and show people "see I can enjoy food too". When I'm with people and they are looking for approval for their not as healthy choices I tend to laugh it off and tell them to enjoy. I choose poor food choices on purpose sometimes to make a point. I eat when I'm not hungry just so people don't think that I'm not eating because "I'm dieting".

God has called me to be an example. God has called me (and you) that I need to take care of my body, I need to eat healthy foods, I need to exercise daily, and I need to help others do the same. I'm not accomplishing that when I do any of those above things.

I'm not saying that I can never eat a piece of cake or have chocolate or fun coffee or anything I enjoy on occasion. I'm saying that I'm doing the same thing that I'm afraid Jen Hatmaker, and many others, have fallen prey to. I've decided to take the popular choice rather than the leader choice sometimes, because frankly, it's easier... and it's popular. I take that choice, rather than the choice that will truly help others.

A friend shared a video a few days ago about one persons reaction to the interview Jen did that caused this uproar. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, Google it.) And in that video the lady  made reference to a point Jen made about choosing her position on certain issues because she loved people and wanted the best for them. And as the lady pointed out, this is furthest from the truth unfortunately. Loving people is hard, and the truth isn't always easy. This is the moment I felt convicted. And again, while I know it is nowhere near the same magnitude, it's disobedience all the same every time I purposely choose not to be a good example, or encourage a less than stellar choice. If I claim to love these people I am friends with, and I do love them, if I want the absolute best for them, then I need to model such behaviors. I need to be able to be honest with them about why nutrition and exercising are so important and not laughing off when they are struggling.

Will I have moments that I struggle? Absolutely! That's completely different than purposely making poor choices to fit in.

Don't worry, I am NOT going to become the food police. So fear not all of you who eat with me, workout with me and enjoy coffee with me, etc. I am not judging your choices... EVER. PROMISE. But when you share with me your struggles, I should be armed with scripture, encouragement, a plan of action or prayer to help you, not encourage you to just get through or have this off day or week. I personally will no longer make poor food choices just to fit in so I'm not labeled the crazy health nut lady, because seriously, there could be many worse labels. I won't eat just because everyone else is and I don't want people to think my method of weight loss is starvation. (yes, irrational, I know ;) )

I want to be the woman God created me to be. He has given me a strong passion for helping other women be as healthy as they can be. To help them seek Him to find that freedom to find their passion. He has created me to be an example and strangely to me, a leader. Being a leader doesn't always mean taking part in popular choices. Sometimes it means making tough choices. But even if it's only one person, someone is watching. Someone else is struggling with what to eat, what type of workout to do, and I may never ever know that person was watching. But they may have had the strength to make a healthy choice because saw I did. God can only use me when I am obedient.

Weekly Weigh In

Way back in the day I did weekly weigh in's. I did a blog because I didn't have a fitness page and this way people could choose to read about my weight issues or not. I'm contemplating returning to a weekly weigh in blog.

Returning to weekly blog weigh in's is strictly selfish and here is why I am considering. First, it's one more source of accountability. Second, it forces me to actually sit down and evaluate the previous week. Reflection is so important for continued growth.

So how did this past week go?

Life in general for the week was great! I've recently moved and am beginning to find a new rhythm. Of course it is also soccer season for my teenager so that rhythm has to be pretty flexible at the moment. But I wouldn't trade it.

Last week we only had one soccer game. I managed to get in almost 20 miles of walking. I got in four strength workouts, made it to the first home football game of the season and took in a concert at a local winery... oh and I didn't eat the blizzard I so desperately wanted!

Nutritional during the week, Wednesday - Sunday were a free for all. I didn't log a thing, again. I had promised myself Sunday was the day. I even enlisted a friend to help hold me accountable daily and agreed to do the same for her. Sunday was a complete bust. I was afraid Monday would be too with the holiday but I managed to pull myself together.

I'm conducting an experiment to try and help me figure out what tracking system fuels my body best. Let's be real, there is no one size fits all. That's one reason I love the fitness community, it's full of information and help in learning about all of the options. My plan was a 2 or 4 week experiment, but I may add another option and make it 3 or 6 weeks. I'd love to hear what method you use for tracking nutrition too.

Currently I am comparing weight watchers and calorie counting. The first two days of comparing have been very eye opening. I'm also somewhat playing around with macros and may add that into the mix. I'm tracking all 3 each day, but only focusing on one of the three as my goal. I will focus on each one for 1-2 weeks.

Here is a look at how day 1 compared:

That's quite a big difference!
Day 2 was very similar.

I am down 3  pounds since the heaviest weight I saw over the past week which I am thrilled with after only being on point for 2 days, soreness from lifting and eating out yesterday. I am 25 pounds from goal making my total loss as of today 119 pounds.

One of the biggest mental struggles I need to work on is getting back to celebrating these small victories. I got so close to my big goal and lost sight of all the little goals that still had to be accomplished to there. I became frustrated with my lack of progress and started making excuses. I am back to working on one pound at a time and one workout at a time.

Slow and steady will wind this race.

Start Over

I came across an old CD a couple of weeks ago and stuck it in while on a drive out of town. Isn't it funny how music can take you back to certain moments? Sometimes it takes us back to places we don't particularly want to go, but that wasn't the case here, well, not entirely.

The CD was by Heather Williams, most commonly known in the contemporary Christian music world for her song titled "Hallelujah". I love that song, but it wasn't the one that took me back. There was another song titled "Start Over". When the song first began to play that day I almost fast forwarded to the next song. I could remember there were 2 or 3 songs I was looking for besides, "Hallelujah" but couldn't recall the song names. When this song started it didn't have the "feel" I thought I was looking for. But something told me to pause here and listen anyway. So I did.

I listened to the words and realized this was one of the songs I was looking for.

Fell like a star right out of the sky
Shattered like all of my dreams
I thought I was holding the world in my hands
Until it brought me to my knees
But sometimes you’ve gotta be broken to see
That you’re not the one who knows what you need

CHORUS:
Turn me around
Pick me up off this ground
I want a new story, one You write with Your hand
Help me start over, I wanna start over again
Now I can’t break down all the walls I’ve built
And I can’t heal my wounds
From so many years of running to everything else
Now I’m finally running to You (I'm Running)
Now I’m finally running to You

(Chorus)
I wanna start over
With a new heart
Not guilty
Clean hands and
No regrets
This is page one, yeah this is mercy
That I can start over, I wanna start over again
I wanna start over again

So I listened again.
Tears started almost immediately as I began to process the words.

This song was released in 2011. I sang this song in prayer for days, maybe more like weeks on my 20 minute drive to and from work. Honest, prayerful, heartfelt worship to God through this song. There were a few tears on this day several weeks ago when I realized just how big He had answered my prayer. Piece by piece over the last 6 years he's turned things around for me. More tears came when I realized how little thanks and credit I actually gave God for answering this prayer and helping me start over.

My world began a huge shift in 2008, the year I turned 30 (go ahead and do the math, 40 is closing in ;) ) There was a lot of hurt, anger and brokenness that took place around this time. Over the next couple of years I would hit my lowest point, my rock bottom. and I would also begin the beautiful journey out of that pit. In those early moments during that time I could have never imagined life as it is today.

By 2011 my life was already drastically different. I was letting go of a lot of those things and people that had left me so hurt, angry and broken. I was attending church regularly, participating in ministry, growing in my relationship with Christ by seeking God consistently.  I wasn't on my journey toward better health yet, but He was preparing me to start soon. I was at a point where I could see a light, I could see hope, I could see a new story was possible and I wanted, no needed, Him to write it.

So I sang and I prayed and I begged. And He heard me every single time. Every single time. And as I sat there in the car listening, thinking about the new story He has only begun to write for me over the last 6 years there may have been a few more tears.

I sang this song over and over on my drive that day. I sang it as a thank you prayer and a prayer asking God to continue to be the author of my story. I unfortunately, sometimes think I can write a better story and seem to exclude Him in the day to day decision making.

I've continued to sing this song occasionally over the last month or so to remind myself of just how far God has brought me. To remind myself how much farther God plans to take me. To remind me of things that made no sense, that were frustrating unknowns back then. How those same things make complete sense today, so I need to continue to be obedient even when I don't have answers or understand why in the moment. To remind me to surrender ALL things, not just obvious things.

Currently nutrition is one of my biggest struggles. My mental, physical and spiritual health are struggling tremendously because of it. I'm eating out of comfort and rebellion. I am comforting every emotion because for the most part I'd say things are really good right now. I'm apparently in a year long celebration and my pants are beginning to oppose much more celebrating. My pants are ready to embrace a little more discipline, but my brain is not quite in agreement most days. My brain is stuck in rebellion to counting another point or calorie. It opposes all workouts outside of walking.

So today I begin singing "Start Over" as a daily prayer to turn around this "stuff your face", zero discipline path I am currently on and get back to a healthier version of me.

Only the Good Stuff!

I've talked a lot about my struggles because I feel that's what people connect with and relate to most. I think it's encouraging to know when someone struggles with the same things you do. I find it a lot more difficult to be transparent about good things happening. I suppose I fear sounding like I'm bragging, but I never want to sound all gloom and doom either.

While 2017 has had it's lows, I hope you know there have been some pretty awesome things happening as well. Going through a personal valley - even if you walked yourself right down into that valley - requires reflection. From reflection can come an enormous amount of growth and freedom. Here is where I find myself today.

One of my past co-workers favorite words was fun. She was awesome about getting what needed to be done out of the way so there was still room in her life for fun. Me, I scheduled every minute of every single day and still felt behind most days.

Friends, this is the straightest path to burnout there can possibly be. And this is definitely where I found myself. I knew I had to get out, but I felt in order to get to a place where I could allow for fun, I had to get all caught up first. This is so not the case! Have some fun. Fun refreshes you! Figure out what has to get done, what little extra can you do to work towards catching up (is that even a real thing?) and then the rest of the time is yours.

This year I've gotten to do some great things, I hesitated listing any for fear I'd leave something important out, but I'm going to list a few anyway.

• I've read some great books (and started a few others that aren't finished yet)
• "Love Lives Here" by Maria Goff
• "Nothing to Prove" by Jennie Allen
• "The Broken Way" by Ann VosKamp 
• "Grace is Greater" by Kyle Idleman
• "Uninvited" by Lysa TerKeurst

• I've returned to Belize and only days away from seeing my friends there again!
• I've logged 300 miles of walking and jogging. This is something that somewhere along the way I decided took too much time. I was wrong. Something that saves your sanity and lets you catch up with friends is never too much time.
• I go out, actually get dressed, not in workout clothes, and go have a good time. Maybe catching a movie, eating dinner, grabbing coffee, listening to a band or just hanging out. I didn't do that much anymore.
• I have ideas for writing again, some way better than others, but oh, how I've missed that.
• I'm starting a new boot camp soon, I've missed that too! (And if you have registered, I promise I know you have and will get to you this weekend. Yes, I know I said I would do it sooner :) )
• I've enjoyed simple things like ice cream and not felt any guilt.
• I've traveled to Washington D.C. and even explored a little... very little, but I did good for me.
• I've been reminded of where my strength comes from and got to watch God work, in me and for me. It really doesn't get much better than that.

Good stuff is happening.

I'm feeling more like the real me every day.

And, I'm reminded that God is good.

All Good Things Must End

It is no secret that I have been riding the struggle bus ALL year.

When things get difficult, the one thing I would most like to do, is run. But don't run, pump the brakes, slow down. That is, unless you are actually, physically running for exercise because that is very good for keeping you healthy to deal with your struggle.

But back to pumping the brakes. As I mentioned, I personally would prefer to run. Run from God, run from responsibility, run from all people, and all social situations.

The truth is  you shouldn't ride the struggle bus alone. You need to surround yourself with God and some extremely awesome people. (Don't skirt your responsibilities either!) I've been so thankful that God has continually placed just the right people in my path.

So what's been happening in 2017?

January 1st started out GREAT, I thought "It's going to be the best year ever! I will reach my weight loss goal by June 1st and through Beachbody, I am going to help EVERYONE get healthy!"

I continued to believe this a good portion of January, maybe even part of February. I believed 2017 would be a year to remember and so far it absolutely has, just not how I envisioned it.

Late January I learned of the passing of an old friend. His death made me realize how much relationships matter. We need people, people need us. I felt a an urgency to strengthen friendships and connect with old friends. Through all of this however also came some, lets say, unhealthy visits to the past. Past thinking, past habits, etc... This really began to tear me down and I closed myself off in defense. I quit reaching out to people who would have been there for support.

Mid March I returned to Belize for a mission trip. I was feeling really low at this time. I left for the trip feeling defeated yet hopeful that time away would force me to quiet myself and begin to face the obstacles I had put in my way.

That's exactly what happened. God did begin a BIG move while I was there, but, I'm super stubborn and it's been quite the process. From the day I returned from Belize things were different. The battles were still there, however I faced the daily battles in a different way. Every day wasn't a win, but every day was fought as opposed to waking up in defeat. I was begging for help yet refusing to change all at the same time it seemed.

I can tell you when things changed, it was when I started paying attention to the people God was strategically placing in my life daily in just the right places at just the right times, with just the right words to comfort, encourage, reassure and push me.

I couldn't avoid the past, I had to work through it to get to the present. I had to let go of the things that I, at least for a moment, deemed as "good".

Then there was work...

I was given the task of writing a grant at work. A grant that would determine if I would have employment come July 1. I spent nearly the entire month of April working on this grant (with the help of co-workers), on top of my regular work responsibilities. About two weeks before the grant was due we realized a new stipulation was added and we no longer met the qualification. Our organization sought to subcontract for another organization and the parts of the grant proposal I had been working on were no longer needed. I wasn't sure if this left me relieved or frustrated. Anyone who is still my friend after this process, THANK YOU, I was a grump!

May and June became months of uncertainty. As I've mentioned before, I struggle with anxiety. Uncertainty and anxiety are not a good mix. I've tried so hard to remain positive as we waited on word about the grant. But some days anxiety and emotions won. It's amazing to look back now and see how God was laying things out months, maybe even as far back as years for what was about to happen. Again, if you're still my friend after June, THANK YOU!

The day finally came last week and we received word that the agency was awarded the grant. However, they were not awarded the full amount and my position has been eliminated. I find comfort knowing God provided for me in the past and He is providing for me now. It doesn't make it easy or my favorite choice, but makes it easier to swallow.

My last day in prevention is Friday, June 30. Then I have two weeks off of work during which I will spend another week in Belize. When I return to work in mid July I will start a brand new position doing something completely foreign to me. I'm excited to learn new things that can open new doors, but I'm going to miss the job I loved as well.

It was the encouragement and sound advice from friends God often used to comfort and remind me that good things await! And sometimes he used complete strangers to speak to me. I was in a meeting the day before I had to make some decisions about my job. The presenter said "If you aren't growing you are dying". That stuck with me and helped push me to get outside of my box.

So yes, I think it's really important when  you are on the struggle bus to pump the breaks, don't run! Let people in.

Now, I know I said don't run, but I feel it's important for you to know you can take a break. During the past few months I decided to give up some things that took up too much time and emotion. I was completely spent, I had nothing to give anyone else. I was often relying on others to carry me. At first, I felt horribly guilty walking away from some things that used to bring me such joy, Beachbody coaching was definitely one of those things. However, I knew that I couldn't be me again without some time to recharge. And until I could be me again, I was completely worthless to everyone else.

So yes, don't run, but rest. Rest and come back with a fire burning bigger than it's ever burned before. I may not be there all the way yet, but I am well on my way! I feel so much more like me than I have in a what feels like a very long time.

Let people help refuel your fire. Surround yourself with people who will remind and encourage you to be the best version of you that you can be.

And P.S. if you need a person (not sure how awesome) I'm always around!

It's important to remember that all good things do come to an end... except Christ, his love never ends. Put your hope in Christ and he will make a way.

What Matters Most

My heart breaks for anyone stuck in a cycle of defeat. Stuck in a place where they feel like nothing will ever change so why try. I've been there, I have days I go back there. I get it. But I have good news for you, as hard as it may be to believe, it is an absolute lie.

I've believed this lie when it comes to many things in my life, maybe you share some of these:

• I've been too heavy for too long, I'll never change.
• I've never been able to jog (fill in the blank - do jumping jacks, pushups, etc) why bother trying.
• I'm not good at public speaking so I'll just stay quiet.
• I've been single 38 years, might as well get used to it ;) 
• I've messed up too big, too many times, God can never use me.

Any of those sound familiar to you?

Maybe you have other issues, there are so many to choose from.

Want to know some truth when it comes to those lies the devil tries to feed us?

They are just that, outright lies. Christ cannot be defeated, therefore if you are in Christ you should not feel defeated. Want to feel victorious? Put Christ in the center of any and all things. You are human, you are going to struggle. Christ can help you overcome.

Let's talk about how this works when it comes to getting healthy. I am absolutely certain God wants you healthy. He wants you to care for your body. He designed our bodies for movement, he designed them to need water, vitamins, nutrients, fats, etc. to run the most efficiently. 

I am also fairly certain if you have chosen to mistreat your body then he is waiting to help you overcome and reverse the damage being done. Even though God could take away our every craving and every lazy thought, that's usually not how the change happens. It's a process, an ever evolving process with Christ in the center.

There are hundreds of ways and program and tools you can use to help you make these changes. It really does not matter which of these methods you choose. Just choose to be obedient and GET HEALTHY! In doing so you are going to have to learn to eat and enjoy real food. Nutrition and activity are the key to better health.

You have likely trained your mind to enjoy processed foods. In the evening, you may prefer to relax with your favorite TV show instead of a 30 minute stroll. You won't suddenly love these things. There is no switch to flip to make them your favorite. But put Christ in the center, ask him to help you become disciplined in these areas and over time I guarantee these will be the things you slowly begin to crave. (And trust me when I say I am preaching to the choir here)

Putting Christ in the center of any lie rattling around in your head IS what really matters. It is where you gain confidence and overcome the hard things.

Looking for some more information to  help you with this?

I highly recommend reading "The Daniel Plan by Rick Warren and "Made to Crave" by Lysa TerKeurst

Out of Darkness

This is a hard post to write, not the actual words themselves, they actually came quickly. The level of transparency is what makes the post difficult. I've been struggling with words for recent posts and nothing seems to come out right, but this post has words that need to be shared. I hope whoever needed to hear these words finds comfort in them.

Springtime is one of my favorite seasons. I appreciate the beauty of all of the changing seasons but springtime is a season of hope for me, and this year has been no exception.

I think a lot of us are trying to pull ourselves out of the funk that the cold, dark, winter days left us in. We rejoice in the sunshine and all of the colors coming back to life. 

With the newness of springtime also comes Easter and a lot of reflection of just how much God loves us. And for me personally, all of this could not weave more perfectly with my own life.

I've mentioned a few times that 2017 has started rough for me. As far as weight loss there has been little to none. It's been harder to find that drive to continue to make healthy choices and workout every single day. Things have just been off.

Something I haven't talked about much is just how much the enemy was attacking me through all of this. I don't know why this topic seems taboo. Why I feel like it's OK to talk about all the amazing things God does for me but not talk about how satan is attacking me.

Maybe it's because I think I failed in how I handled it. Maybe it's because it took a long time for me to realize that's what it was. Maybe it's because I get afraid of what people think.

Whatever the reason, the truth is satan attacked me hard for the first 3 months of 2017. I tried to fix it myself for the longest time. This of course only made things worse. There were spurts of time that I truly sought God to help me, but I think even in those times I was somewhat conditional.

Then it got really serious. I was not only being attacked regarding my health and fitness journey, but it got very personal too. I began to believe I was failing at everything. I was believing the lies that I was not who I claimed to be. I was falling into so many old patterns. I was so angry with myself.

I thought my trip to Belize would be a place where I would seek God with all of my heart and return changed. While  I think I began to let my heart soften there, and God was definitely speaking to me, I still wasn't ready to let go. It wasn't until a week or so upon returning, until things continued to spiral, until I couldn't even worship that I realized exactly what was happening.

It was then that I knew something had to give. That something had to be me. I had to let go of everything I was trying to hold onto that was not healthy for me. Have I been 100% successful? Not in the least. But am I seeking God with my whole heart to try and get it right? Absolutely.

I believe with everything in me that I am headed back in the right direction. I do not believe satan would have been so vigilant in attacking me and trying to convince me that I was the same girl from my past if he didn't want me to keep me from getting to what the future is holding.

Working in the yard today I was reminded by this thorn in the roses of another type of thorn and I think it fits perfectly with my recent struggles, my desire to do things myself -

"Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:6‭-‬10

I was reminded by all the new buds and blooms. That even in my weakness I am strong with Christ. That everything beautiful comes after a time of darkness. 

"Then Jesus again spoke to them, saying, "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life." John 8:12

I am trusting God and letting Him lead. I am excited to keep reaching for my goals.  I am reminding satan of exactly who has the victory!

I am back!

Dear Coach

This post is not my typical blog post but something that has been heavy on my heart for many years. I hope I have worded it in a way that expresses what I truly meant it to say. I am not aiming any part of this post personally toward any coach, this comes from years of playing many sports and coming up on our final year of playing organized sports with the kids my son has0 grown up with. It comes from having coaches and from watching other coaches. What I hope every coach will take from it, whether you have coached my son or not,this is a thank you to you, I truly mean it, your time is appreciated so much more than I am certain you realize and for probably more reasons than you know. 

First and foremost thank you. Thank you for giving up so much of your time with your family to encourage, motivate and shape our kids. We appreciate every minute you spend investing in their lives. Thank you to your families for allowing you to spend time with our children, for understanding the important role you have taken on as a mentor and coach.

As I'm sure you knew before you started coaching you will come across so many different types of children. And whether you are coaching little league or high school sports I'm sure you realize your work as a coach means much more than just teaching them basic skills of the sport. These kids come from different backgrounds, emotionally, financially and even family backgrounds. All of these things play a part in the opportunities these children have as well as shape the personalities of these children, and that can affect their playing styles. And you, dear coach, have the unique job of trying to bring out success in each and every one of them. Thank you!

Do you sometimes get kids who are completely uninterested but are there because their parents made them? Of course you do. But you still impact their lives. Time spent with youth is never wasted even if they seem unresponsive. Remember, you are still impacting their life. While you cannot force them to participate or try, you can still encourage and motivate and find ways to show them what they are successful at.

But this letter is not about those kids. This letter about the kids who LOVE the sport you are coaching. The kids who are spending a good deal of their spare time trying to get better at your sport. These kids are looking up to you. They are looking to you for support, encouragement, advise (about the sport and possibly every other thing), and yes, even discipline. These kids are looking to you as an example of what a male/female should strive to be. What an important role you play in their lives.

Guys, you will have boys who play for you that have no father in their home. You may potentially be their only male role model. That's a heavy weight to carry and you didn't ask for it, but it's the truth of the matter. (And, yes ladies you may be the only female role model for the girls on your team as well.) Men, you will be someone that these boys especially long to please. They may never verbalize it, but you mean A LOT to them. They don't want special treatment for that. They want to earn their spot and playing time just like every one else. But they may be harder on themselves for fear of disappointing you. They may be a little more apprehensive and reserved because they aren't sure what to expect from you. They could even be a little apprehensive that you really do care. But they need you, thank you for being there for them.

I understand there are many coaching styles and I do not have to agree with yours. I believe in you and your desire to do great things with our kids, I would not allow my son to play for you if I did not. Let's be honest, I too am sacrificing time with my son, who is my family, to allow him to be a part of the team. But I do this because I understand that value of it and I trust you with him. I put my son in sports at a very young age to have someone be a little hard on him and to push him to do better. I put him in sports so he would have someone besides his mother encouraging him to be the best young man he can be. I put him in sports because there are a lot of life lessons to be learned there. I put him in sports because he was athletic and enjoyed it.  And we have been blessed with some amazing coaches who have molded him and built him up over the years, for this I am forever grateful.

I did not put him in sports to get a participation trophy or to be broken down. Over the years I have witnessed many coaches, some my son has played for, others I've witnessed on other teams and some of these coaches are unfortunately tearing kids down instead of building them up. Fortunately as a whole I can say this was very rarely our personal experience. We were blessed with some amazing coaches for the majority of our journey.

Every kid deserves time, attention, and skill building in practice and game time on a court or field because how else will they gain confidence and improve? How else will you build a team if some kids are "worth more" than other kids. Are some kids naturals and born to be an athlete? Absolutely. And I can completely understand why coaches gravitate towards this, I mean it's easy, the kid knows exactly what to do and does it with ease.  Is my kid a natural at some things? Yes. But I still want him to be taught to work hard, I still want a coach to challenge him, to ask more of him, and to be more aggressive. And while he is a natural at some athletic things, he struggles too and many times his struggles hold him back. Thank you to every coach that has recognized his struggle and helped him work through.

I think every kid who makes a team brings something to the table, find that something and use it. Be hard on the kids, expect nothing but the best from them, please. Make them feel like their time and effort mean something. Communicate with them if they are not giving you what you expect from them. Be encouragers, especially when we are talking about recreational sports. It's ok to have fun while teaching them. Gradually you begin to teach the kids to competitive and that is great, because let's face it life is competitive. Just don't forget winning is not all there is to learn. As our youth grow, they are not going to win at everything, it's just impossible. As our youth grow, everything is not going to come easy to them. Teach them how to handle things they struggle with. Give them things to work on that require they further their skill, you can do this with a 4 year old or an 18 year old. Teach them how to properly handle disappointments in life because there will certainly be many.

Teach them that it's ok to make mistakes and that one mistake doesn't ruin all trust. Mistakes are how we learn and the only way to learn from our mistakes is to get back in and try again. Thank you for helping give my son confidence to lead, but to also to be a part of a team and follow when need be. Thank you for teaching him what it means to respect the decision of the one in charge, whether he agrees or not and that he is also respected. Thank you for pushing him to reach goals he may have never set for himself. Thank you for encouraging him to be healthy and and enjoy an active lifestyle, I hope will stick with him for the rest of his days. Thank you for teaching him that life doesn't always go the way we hoped, and life isn't always fair. And I mean that. While in a fantasy world every kid would work the same and get equal time in games, this just isn't reality. It's not reality in sports and it's not reality as youth become adults and enter the real world. It's a tough lesson to learn, but I'd rather he learn to deal with it now. Thank you for teaching him that the sport is never about him, it's about all of the players on the team. Success comes when everyone learns to work together, when they recognize each other's strength and weaknesses and find a way to make that work. That is real life. Thank you for never giving up on him. Thank you for teaching him integrity and that playing dirty is never the way to win. Thank you for all the time spent investing in building his character.

And the most amazing thing is you do this year in and year out. You do this for kid after kid. Many of you do not get paid for this amazing role you play in these kids lives, you do it simply because you want to. Maybe, it's because you know you can make a difference. Maybe you do it just because you love the sport. Or maybe you do it because you were the kid once and someone made an impact on your life.

Whatever your reason, I sincerely thank you.

My Biggest Regret

It's 8:30 Thursday night. I'm watching my son's basketball game. It's the 4th quarter. My phone buzzes. It's one of my best friends, Amy. She's been on Facebook, our friend Sam is gone.

Our friendship with Sam started so many years ago. Over 20 years ago if we're counting. I remember we were in high school. We were in Cape and these two guys were trying to talk to us. And being the teenage girls that we were, we took a risk and decided to talk to them. That's how we made so many lifelong friends throughout our younger years. One of us girls is even married to a guy we met this way.

Sam from first impression was a little rough around the edges. But if you gave him a chance and got to know him you found something very different under the ruggedness. If you sat us girls down, we could all tell you stories about fun and much laughter when hanging out with Sam. Sam cared a lot about his friends, even one of the last conversations I had with Sam he recalled how he always worried about us, I think he saw our naivety and worried it might get us in trouble some day, he was always looking out for us. We talked about how we couldn't believe our kids were now the ages we were back when we met and wondered if they were a little crazy too. One of my favorite Sam lines, that I still use to this day, is something along the lines of, Who turned the air conditioner off out here? - as we got into the heat of summer. Ok, it may not seem great here, but in context and with his delivery Sam was a king of one liners.

I could go on and on and share many good memories of Sam, but that really isn't what this post is about. I am here to share what Same's death this week has taught me. The thing that punched me in the gut the moment I heard the news of his death.

You see we became friends with Sam back in the mid 90's, guess that ages me a little. But this was before cell phones and social media. We remained friends for several years, but then we all started going our separate ways. Then it happened social media became a thing, a wonderful thing. It was so fun to find people you had lost touch with throughout the years. Sam was one of those people. First we became MySpace friends (yep, really) and exchanged numbers and began to keep in touch again. Then Facebook came along and took the place of MySpace and we became friends there too. I am so thankful for this way to connect with so many old friends... and new friends too.

We often talked about plans to get all of us together sometime, as he had moved away from the area, but it never happened. Over time I fell into the Facebook trap of believing that liking pictures and following someone's posts meant keeping up with them. We are all guilty, I even do this with some of my very best friends unfortunately. But the truth is Facebook only paints the picture the user decides to paint. We can never truly know all of what is going on with someone unless we make time to build and continue working on a relationship with them. But even this is only a part of my biggest regret.

I became a Christian many, many years ago. However during my teens and 20's I went through a time where I questioned everything about God. It was during this time that the majority of friendship with Sam (and many, many others) took place or grew from. About 8 years ago, my life changed and I completely surrendered my life to Christ, I finally got it. (I am more than willing to share more of this story with anyone who would like to know... maybe over coffee?) I've sat in church nearly every single Sunday for the past 8 years. My now pastor presents to the Gospel every single Sunday and even just thinking back to the past couple of sermons I can clearly recall my pastor sharing about the urgency and importance of sharing the Gospel with others. I'm also sure that I nodded my head in agreement with him.

So what is my biggest regret?

It's that I can't remember through all of my conversations with Sam, especially in these last few years, if I ever told Sam about Jesus. Sam had always been there, he wasn't sick, he would continue to be there. But I was wrong, he's not here now. I can't recall a specific time I ignored a prompting to tell him during a conversation, but nevertheless, I wish I could recall if I ever did. We are not promised tomorrow. No one is. We also do not have a clue what other people are really dealing with if we don't do more than like some pictures and posts. We must have those real conversations.

My heart is completely broken at the realization of how dark life can be for those who do not have Jesus Christ to put their hope in. My heart is broken at the thought of all the opportunities I have missed to share about the One who is hope with those who have no hope.

As I read our devotional at workout this morning, I fought back the tears as it told us to be thankful in every situation. That is hard to do today. It's hard to grasp death, and even harder to be thankful for it.

While Sam and I had drifted and not talked as much the last couple of years, I am so very thankful to have met him. I am thankful for the good times and all the laughter he brought. While I do deeply grieve Sam's death, I pray and ask you to pray for the family he leaves behind, I choose to be thankful for the lesson Sam's life and death is teaching me. I am thankful that God allows me to learn from my biggest regret. I pray that I use this very tough life lesson to propel my relationship with Christ as well as my relationships with many others.

I challenge you to reach out and have a conversation with someone today that you have not talked to in awhile. Have real conversations this week with people you realize you've just been following and liking pictures and considering that keeping up. I challenge you, and myself, to share Christ with one person this week. Don't let my biggest regret become yours too.