Start Over

I came across an old CD a couple of weeks ago and stuck it in while on a drive out of town. Isn't it funny how music can take you back to certain moments? Sometimes it takes us back to places we don't particularly want to go, but that wasn't the case here, well, not entirely.

The CD was by Heather Williams, most commonly known in the contemporary Christian music world for her song titled "Hallelujah". I love that song, but it wasn't the one that took me back. There was another song titled "Start Over". When the song first began to play that day I almost fast forwarded to the next song. I could remember there were 2 or 3 songs I was looking for besides, "Hallelujah" but couldn't recall the song names. When this song started it didn't have the "feel" I thought I was looking for. But something told me to pause here and listen anyway. So I did.

I listened to the words and realized this was one of the songs I was looking for.

Fell like a star right out of the sky
Shattered like all of my dreams
I thought I was holding the world in my hands
Until it brought me to my knees
But sometimes you’ve gotta be broken to see
That you’re not the one who knows what you need

CHORUS:
Turn me around
Pick me up off this ground
I want a new story, one You write with Your hand
Help me start over, I wanna start over again
Now I can’t break down all the walls I’ve built
And I can’t heal my wounds
From so many years of running to everything else
Now I’m finally running to You (I'm Running)
Now I’m finally running to You

(Chorus)
I wanna start over
With a new heart
Not guilty
Clean hands and
No regrets
This is page one, yeah this is mercy
That I can start over, I wanna start over again
I wanna start over again

So I listened again.
Tears started almost immediately as I began to process the words.

This song was released in 2011. I sang this song in prayer for days, maybe more like weeks on my 20 minute drive to and from work. Honest, prayerful, heartfelt worship to God through this song. There were a few tears on this day several weeks ago when I realized just how big He had answered my prayer. Piece by piece over the last 6 years he's turned things around for me. More tears came when I realized how little thanks and credit I actually gave God for answering this prayer and helping me start over.

My world began a huge shift in 2008, the year I turned 30 (go ahead and do the math, 40 is closing in ;) ) There was a lot of hurt, anger and brokenness that took place around this time. Over the next couple of years I would hit my lowest point, my rock bottom. and I would also begin the beautiful journey out of that pit. In those early moments during that time I could have never imagined life as it is today.

By 2011 my life was already drastically different. I was letting go of a lot of those things and people that had left me so hurt, angry and broken. I was attending church regularly, participating in ministry, growing in my relationship with Christ by seeking God consistently.  I wasn't on my journey toward better health yet, but He was preparing me to start soon. I was at a point where I could see a light, I could see hope, I could see a new story was possible and I wanted, no needed, Him to write it.

So I sang and I prayed and I begged. And He heard me every single time. Every single time. And as I sat there in the car listening, thinking about the new story He has only begun to write for me over the last 6 years there may have been a few more tears.

I sang this song over and over on my drive that day. I sang it as a thank you prayer and a prayer asking God to continue to be the author of my story. I unfortunately, sometimes think I can write a better story and seem to exclude Him in the day to day decision making.

I've continued to sing this song occasionally over the last month or so to remind myself of just how far God has brought me. To remind myself how much farther God plans to take me. To remind me of things that made no sense, that were frustrating unknowns back then. How those same things make complete sense today, so I need to continue to be obedient even when I don't have answers or understand why in the moment. To remind me to surrender ALL things, not just obvious things.

Currently nutrition is one of my biggest struggles. My mental, physical and spiritual health are struggling tremendously because of it. I'm eating out of comfort and rebellion. I am comforting every emotion because for the most part I'd say things are really good right now. I'm apparently in a year long celebration and my pants are beginning to oppose much more celebrating. My pants are ready to embrace a little more discipline, but my brain is not quite in agreement most days. My brain is stuck in rebellion to counting another point or calorie. It opposes all workouts outside of walking.

So today I begin singing "Start Over" as a daily prayer to turn around this "stuff your face", zero discipline path I am currently on and get back to a healthier version of me.