Fitting in

We just finished up Revelation Wellness Instructor Training Virtual Retreat for platoon 31. It was an incredible 4 days of worship, workouts, bible study and personal growth. I hope to share more from retreat over time. I'm still really processing so much, but I couldn't wait to share one of my main AHA moments.

On day 3 we attended a workshop titled, "Restoring & Reclaiming Body Image." I was immediately interested in this workshop from the title alone. I struggle greatly with body image, always have. Even after I lost 130 pounds back in 2017, I still struggled. I still saw myself as an almost 300 pound woman. There were things I still wouldn't do because I thought I was too heavy to do them. I'm not sure some of that will ever change. 

In this workshop, our presenter, Rachael Gilbert, shared about her struggles with body image. Then gave us an assignment to complete. In the assignment, we were to make a timeline of moments that impacted our core beliefs about ourself.

There were examples and she talked us through ideas to help us think about what we might include in our timeline. The timeline could and should include positive and negative events. And these events could be small things, or large traumatic things. 

Once we made our timeline she asked us to pick one to work through with her. After choosing our one event, we were to pick our feeling about this event. I wrote down, I felt like I didn't fit in. 

God spoke to me in this moment, not audibly of course, but he stirred the thought inside of me that I was never suppose to fit in. I was set apart. Set apart, that's the words that just kept repeating in my head. 

This thing, being set apart as a Christian, a good thing, was twisted by the enemy and essentially made me make myself small for so many years. I knew I didn't fit in at some point. That made me as a young person uncomfortable. The enemy used that feeling to keep me sad, lonely, and striving to fit in. 

Nearly all my life I've felt I don't fit in. I've given up so much of who I am over time to try to fit in, in so many situations. All the drinking and partying in my 20's, all to fit in. The bad relationships, to fit in, somewhere, with someone. The yo-yo dieting, to fit in. Only in more recent years have I really stopped caring about fitting in. 

Even still, not caring as much didn't make the feeling disappear, I just don't give it the same room to grow now. But do you know what God told me last Friday? You were never made to fit in. You belong to me. You have been and are loved with an everlasting love. You are mine.

Cue the tears.

He gave me these two verses:

Jerimiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”

Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

And to make sure I was really listening. Our next workshop was called "Experiential". We had a balloon and a marker that had been mailed to us weeks earlier for this workshop. We were to write on the balloon one lie the enemy had us believing. I stuck with the not fitting in, even though I'd already had my AHA and started to squash the lie. But I wrote it on my balloon, blew it up, tied it, and then we were told to pop our balloons. A piece of paper with a handwritten message fell out of the balloon. The message had been written especially for us. 

Mine said: You are treasured.

Treasured, which means, valued highly.

I've been His all along. I want to say I wasted so many years, but God wastes nothing. I'm just a slow learner, I've proved that in many ways. My story is His story and now I can more than just not care if I fit in, I can embrace the one to whom I belong.