Last Saturday a few of us ladies watched the Beth Moore simulcast together, I can't speak for all of us there but I know that message was for my ears to hear. That message was sent for such a time as this. Our scripture for the day was Romans 6:14 and the message was titled "No Longer".
"For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace." Romans 6:14
Beth coined a special term for the day spiritual neurosis and I learned I suffer from this. I get stuck. Stuck and selfish. Stuck trying to figure out the right option. Stuck asking God what his will is for my life and then not following through (at least not in a timely fashion). Stuck trying so hard to make sure the decision I make isn't all about me and what I want, and then somehow managing to turn it around and actually making the decision making process all about me.
I am spiritually neurotic, at least per Beth's definition.
I long for freedom. I long for living my entire life in the will of God. I long for living under grace, not the laws I have put on myself. Beth spoke to us about how the word disappointed is not used in the Bible to ever describe God. Disappointment does not come from God. Another term I also often fear God will use in relation to me is displeased, however in the Bible this is used in the context of us lacking faith. How does our faith shine through to God and to others, through our obedience! So all of my fears of making the wrong decision and being a disappointment to God are irrelevant. It only displeases Him when I don't do what He is asking me to do. When I try to make my own timeline or just ignore Him completely. When I say to Him through words or actions that I don't trust Him, that I don't have faith in Him.
Let me back up a little further...
Over three years ago God put the desire in my heart to start a women's ministry at my church. Over that summer I began to pray and seek God about how to make this a reality. If you know me, you know starting something like this is so far out of the box for me only God could have done this. That first Sunday in September came and the room was filled. God handpicked a group of women to come together and we have continued to grow so much spiritually. (Much of this thanks goes to our Pastor at that time, Thank you again if you happen to read this!) Words cannot begin to express how thankful I am for each and every woman God placed in that room that Sunday and every Sunday thereafter. And it wasn't just the women in the Sunday school class, others who were busy teaching other Sunday school classes joined us for girl's nights and many other events. How encouraging it is to see such spiritual growth happening in all of us. God was (and is!) there. He's real and He is really working in every one of us.
"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.
Ephesians 3:20-21
I've laughed and cried with these women. I've worked side by side with these women in community mission projects that they made happen. We've helped each other and prayed with each other through illnesses, surgeries, new babies, family trials, loss of loved ones, moving, new ministries and sooo much more. I can say without a doubt I would not be where I am today if God had not chosen these ladies for me to do life with.
Throughout all of this our church has also undergone many changes. Many of these changes have led me to ask God "what's next?". I've steadily been asking this question for over a year now. For the longest time He said "wait", not no, but wait. Then as more and more changes came I no longer heard wait anymore.
"Seek the Lord and His strength; Seek His face continually."
1Chronicles 16:11
A couple of months ago He began to impress on me some things that were to come next. He put some fresh new desires in my heart. I was excited and initially I tried to figure out how to be SuperMandy and incorporate all of the old with the new. I began to realize it wasn't possible. To do the new He made me keenly aware that I must let go of the old.
For several weeks I wrestled with this. Trying to convince God when the best time was. What loose ends needed tied up first, what arrangements that needed to be made. This feeling of yuck continually remained, my wheels were just spinning, I was getting nowhere. I knew something had to give, what I didn't know was, that something was going to have to be me.
"My flesh and my heart may fail. But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"
Psalm 73:26
It began to become frighteningly clear God was calling me in a new direction. This direction will remove me from my weekly meeting time with this special group of women I love and care about very much. This direction will lead me to get out of this place I have settled into and become so comfortable with. New and unknown territory terrify me and it appears to be where I'm headed. While I know some of the new desires He's placed in my heart I have no clue as to where, when or how He plans to put them in motion.
"Seek the Lord and His strength; Seek His face continually"
Psalm 105:4
While I know this makes it sound like I'm not excited about God working, it's actually the opposite, this excites me just as much as it terrifies me and ok, saddens me. I'm not dragging my feet about God's calling, I've been dragging my feet about the goodbyes, about leaving the familiar. But you know what God showed me? Not only should I be excited about what God has in store for me, but there are changes coming for the group of women I grew so close with as well. Exciting changes. As would happen if any of us were to leave, roles are going to get switched up. Others are being called to continue to step out of their comfort zones as well. We were each called to this particular group for a season. Some seasons are short, some may be much longer. Whether we are there together or out fulfilling other callings, I pray this is only the beginning of a lifetime of discipling others for each of us. Some will remain in this setting, bringing other women in and watching them grow. Some will scatter over time and begin to disciple others in different ways. Roles will change, faces will change, location may change for some but we are all still in this together!
"I love You, O Lord, my strength"
Psalm 18:1
This is only the beginning and that is very exciting.
So while I may no longer see their faces regularly, hear their prayers, hear the encouragement, I know we are still all on the same team, desiring to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ, however and wherever He sends us to do that. You will ALL still be in my prayers and I hope I will remain in yours, I hope that God has blessed you during our time together because I know being given the opportunity to get to know you, each and every one of you, He has blessed me more than you may ever know. I hope we can continue to get together on occasion and share what great works He is doing in all of our lives!
"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power"
Ephesians 6:10
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