Speechless

Sometimes I just have nothing to say. I've tried to force a couple of posts over the last couple of weeks but none of them really made any sense, let alone had a purpose. (Although randomly blogging doesn't always have a purpose now does it?). As I begin this post I'm not sure it will make sense or have a purpose either but here we go anyway.

The last couple of weeks my motivation has been all but non-existent. I haven't seriously watched what I eat. I haven't worked out. I haven't, if I'm honest, been that into work. I haven't cared about if things get done. (Of course until moments before they need to be done, then I hurriedly try to get them done.) I haven't even wanted to cook and I love to cook. I'm sure this all had nothing to do with the overlapping soccer and basketball schedules. We had 8 games and 2 practices last week alone. I needed a couple of weeks to reset my mind. And to learn it's OK to need that. My mind had been constantly battling so many recent changes I just needed to not make any decisions for a moment.

That being said the one thing that has been renewed or reignited is my desire to seek Jesus. To seek Him because I love Him, because once again He has proved faithful, true, loving, full of grace and so much more. To seek Him, not for an answer, but to seek Him because I need Him, because He is my Savior. I've missed this and it's no one's fault but my own. Spending months avoiding acting on His instructions for me, truthfully meant months of avoiding Him period. Don't misunderstand me, I read required Bible readings each day and I prayed and talked to Him the entire time. I just didn't sit still long enough to listen. And if I thought I heard anything I tried to ignore it. Want to know what I'm learning (again!), obedience is freeing and now that there is nothing to avoid I feel closer to Him than I have felt in a very long time. Maybe that's secretly why I"m avoiding all other responsibility- I want to spend all my time with Him? This really is at least partially true, I've so missed him, I'm making up for lost time. Jesus is healing my broken heart (Isaiah 61:1-4).

Back when I was helping take care of grandpa I would spend several days a week on one book of the Bible, it really helped me understand His words to us and allowed me to grow so much closer to Him. So I've gathered a handful of women to journey with me and do something very similar. I've felt a need for this type of spiritually accountability in my life for a long time. I've talked about with these ladies for a long time, only now have I stepped up and asked some ladies to step in and journey with me. We spent the last two weeks reading through Ephesians. I've read it before, but reading it everyday for two weeks (OK, most every day) really, really helps. I found so many reminders I need to hear tucked in this book. How He lavishes His grace on me (Eph 1:7-8). That I'm saved by faith, never through anything I do, salvation is a gift (Eph 2:8-10). That God is able. Able to accomplish anything. All of the big things as well as the every day things I let myself worry about (Eph 3:20-21).That He has called me as a Christian to be unified with other Christians, to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which I have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love (Eph 4:1-3). That I need to imitate God, walk in love (Eph 5:1-2). To not be a part of fruitless deeds (Eph 5:8-13).

But most importantly to me was chapter 6. This chapter reminded me of the importance of why I need to be really studying God's word. The Bible is how God speaks to us. If I'm not reading the Bible to truly understand the words, not to just say I read it, then how can I know what God wants from me. As I go through this transition time in my life how can I know if churches I'm in are preaching the gospel if I don't know the gospel. Believing what everyone else teaches me without reading it myself might one day lead me to be tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine (Eph 4:14). I need to boldly wear my breastplate of righteousness, make sure my feet are fitted with the readiness that come with the gospel of peace. I need to boldly take up my shield of faith, helmet of salvation and sword of the Spirit (Eph 6:14-17).

So while I've been seemingly speechless in bloggerland. I've been far from speechless where it counts. And I pray I may never be speechless when it comes to sharing the name of Jesus, for sometimes I lose sight of this. The devil convinces me I'm making to big of a deal and I need to just pipe down. When the reality is Jesus is a big deal... He's the only deal and my life should reflect just that.

My prayer these days, not surprisingly, comes from Ephesians as well (6:18-20). I pray that as an ambassador of Christ, that as I am in very different chains than Paul was, I would always be alert and praying for all the Lord's people. That whenever I speak words may be given to me so that I will fearlessly speak the name of Jesus, just as I should.

P.S. If you aren't currently reading and studying your Bible, I challenge you to the book of James for the next two weeks.