Confession

Unglued.  Come apart. Melt down.  All descriptive words of my behavior Wednesday afternoon. I blame it on the lack of sugar and caffeine this week.  I'd blame it on the devil but I'm pretty sure that is exactly what my pastor told us last Sunday we can't do. So I blame sugar and caffeine.

This week my son is helping at VBS and I am missing being there each day.  But caregiving and other duties have kept me away most days. My son is also doing a basketball camp at a university about 30 minutes away every afternoon.

My son, Devin, is 13 and he is going through all those lovely 13 year old boy changes.  Apparently an attitude comes as a side order with these changes.  Well, I didn't order the attitude and I'm not sure where to take it back to so apparently we (he) must learn to overcome it. Sigh.

Monday and Tuesday of camp I tried to find things to do to occupy my time while Devin was at camp.  Wednesday however I was out of ideas and decided I would just take a book and hang out in the gym.  They were having competitions and I knew other parents had stayed everyday so this shouldn't be an embarrassment.

I apparently was wrong.

The idea of me coming in was met with a hefty attitude.  Apparently I make Devin nervous.  In my mind I found it very ungrateful and disrespectful to tell me, the one who paid for the camp and took time to to bring him to camp everyday that he rather I find something else to do. There was lots of eye rolling involved as well. Eye rolling meet mom's boiling point. The frustration with his current new behaviors had been building for awhile, I had tried being rational for apparently as long as I was capable. I completely lost it. It was not pretty. But it was short lived. I soon felt God's presence reigning me back in saying "Whoa, what happened here? "

I began to calm down but Devin had not. So we continued to battle. More attitude from him, more sharp words from me. All of which were true but if they had been spoken in a different tone and different setting would have been much more effective. At one point The truth in my heart came out. I reacted so strongly because I see my son's behavior as a reflection of how I'm raising him. As a single mother it feels as though it rests on my shoulders alone.  (That's a lot of weight that I know good and well I don't have to carry alone- Palms 55:22, Matthew 11:28-30). This is however the only part of my meltdown that got through to him.

I basically told Devin it was time for him to decide to overcome his nerves and I was coming in. Compassionate huh? I assured him that although he is cute my eyes would not be glued on him for four hours, I was in the middle of a book and looking forward to some quiet reading time. I apologized for my behavior and told him that not only is he a great basketball player but a great kid and I wished he could see that about himself.  And most of all I loved him and God loved him. We discussed how satan was surely enjoying watching us behave this way and we can't give him that pleasure anymore.

Then Jesus reminded us that He always gets the victory and He is always there! I asked my son if he trusted Jesus enough to take his nerves away.  He said yes - to which I asked why He wasn't asking Him to then (I should really take my own advice here). I reminded him that he should pray every single time he feels those nerves rising up, eventually they will be less and less. And guess what! My son brought home the trophy as the 2013 basketball camp knockout champion! God always gets the victory!

And He wasn't done. We were walking out of the gym, discussing his new title when a dad of one of the other campers approached me. He chased us down to tell me that my son is awesome. Seriously.  He told me he was a principal and around a lot of kids and he knew by watching my son this week that he was a very well behaved kid.  He actually said "I just want you to know you are doing a great job with him".

I almost cried. This man had no idea about my meltdown or about the things I said to Devin just hours before. God sent that man to me to say just those words and I am so thankful.  Thankful he was obedient to come tell me. Thankful my son could hear a complete stranger praise him. Thankful God used a person to speak actual words to me, because sometimes I can be so slow. Thankful I have a 13 year old boy who gives me lots of teachable moments to help him grow and mature. Thankful for a God so much bigger than I could ever dream of, who can use even my moments of defeat for His good (Romans 8:28).