Decisions

Life is full of decisions. Decisions come in all sizes, ranging from what color nail polish I want to wear, all the way to what I want to be when I grow up. Sometimes even the seemingly smaller mundane decisions can appear to become monumental in size. Suddenly what you wear for that interview or first date feels like it will make you or break you. Some decisions are easy, even if they're big. We know right from wrong and of course we always make the right decision. No, but really some just seem to be no brainers. But what do we do with the decisions, big or small, we just can't seem to make? It should be the same way we approach all decisions, even the no brainers.

Let me give a few scenarios of things going on in my life right now that require decisions in the foreseeable future.

The dogs. They are in desperate need of a bath. I try to bathe them once a month but during the cooler months this has to be done inside. This means I have to lift them into the tub... and clean up all the water. They each weigh over 75 lbs. Will a couple more weeks really hurt? (They are 2 weeks past now)

There are always decisions to made about food. This is an area I struggle with greatly so while for some people food decisions go in the same category as nail polish, for me it goes in a category all it's own. This isn't to say that I don't often go months treating food like a nail polish sized decision. But in doing this it only makes the decision to turn these habits around even more important.

Parenting! Do I even need to say more. These decisions could potentially all be life changing.

Then probably the two biggest decisions I see happening in my life right now and one somewhat affects the other, at least temporarily.

What do I want to be when I grow up? A couple of problems with this question- Shouldn't I have already grown up? I have a business degree, yet, I have always worked with children, ranging from birth through 18 years old. I currently work teaching at a vocational high school. I teach the students how to care for young children. I would love this job if it was full time. Which is why I find myself at the close of this school year once again asking- What do I want to be when I grow up? Repeating this questions brings me to the second problem with this question. It really doesn't matter what I want to be. Maybe we've found the reason that at 34 I still don't know. God has a purpose, a place for me. Why am I not asking Him? Oh, I've asked please give a job, over and over and over. To which a job has always come up. And the job always seems fitting for the season. But I've never honestly asked what do you want me to do? And actually listened to what He has to say. I always feel I just need a job. This whole revelation came during something my pastor said during church last night. I don't remember his exact words, but whatever they were they got me thinking. Why have I never asked what God is calling me to do as a profession? And how am I to go about it?

Next is caregiving for my almost 87 year old grandpa. (His birthday is Wednesday!) Grandpa has stage 4 lung cancer and severe dementia. He requires 24/7 care. We are soon coming up on the beginning of the 4th month of this care. Gradually we have needed more and more hands to keep up with his growing needs. Our goal when grandpa first needed care was to keep him home and comfortable until the end. We thought that once treatment ended the cancer would begin spreading and begin to take over. So far we see no signs of this happening. Grandpa no longer knows that his home is him home. His sense of reason is all but gone leaving everything a possible hazard, think toddler in an adult body, making caregiving quite stressful. Another common problem with dementia, incontinence, is becoming regular. I'm afraid his care is beginning to reach a level beyond my ability or maybe want to. I want him to be grandpa to me, not someone I have to change regularly, remind to bathe, not leave the water running, take his walker with him, turn the razor off, eat, and go to bed as well as pick up off the floor after one of his numerous falls. I want to enjoy time with him, even once he no longer knows me. Is this selfish... or is not changing things selfish? So what comes next? More caregivers in the home, the home he no longer recognizes- or is it time to consider another option? This could go on for many more months (years if the cancer doesn't grow). What is truly the best for grandpa? What would make him the most comfortable as well as provide the best, consistent care for him? Would he, Mr. Independent, really want us all putting our lives on hold, walking on pins and needles around him? So many questions and with possibly no real right answer. Praying God gives us the wisdom to do what's best and the peace and strength to tackle whatever that decision might be!

Lord,
You are always there for us and for this I'm thankful. You are who we should be turning to for all of our decisions. You hold all the answers, unfortunately I often don't take the time to find out what these answers are. I often only turn to you with decisions when things feel out of my control. All of these things I discussed today, and more, should be brought before You until you reveal what You desire for me. Before I make any commitments or decisions, big or little, they should be taken to You. You are my comforter and protector. You hold all the wisdom and strength I need. Thank you!
In Jesus name
Amen