The God Who Sees Me

 El Roi

My favorite name of God.

El Roi, the God who sees me.

In Genesis 16 Sarai is dealing, not well, with her inability to have children with Abram. Sarai offers her servant, Hagar to bare Abram a child. However in doing this, it only leaves Sarai feeling angry, in which then she treats Hagar horribly, causing Hagar to leave. Hagar was a servant and had only done what she had been instructed to do, but anger and jealousy had caused her much strife. Upon leaving an angel spoke to Hagar telling her to return to Sarai and Abram. The angel of the Lord told her he would multiply her offspring and that she was currently pregnant with a son that she should name, Ishmael. In this moment Hagar felt seen, no longer alone. She called God, the One who sees me.

I too have felt unseen in my life. Believe it or not, especially if you only know me and my online presence, I kind of prefer it that way, behind the scenes, but I also feel God gave me this story to tell.

Previously, I spent years of my life making sure that I was intentionally overlooked. I don't think I did this knowingly, but years removed from that life, I can see now that was exactly what I was doing. Sounds ridiculous, I know.

I had a bad picker if you will, and surrounded myself with the wrong people, got into wrong relationships. After a particularly bad choice and a wrong done against me, I decided to just take myself out of the equation by making myself undesirable. I gained weight to become invisible. I didn't want to be in that place ever again, and I thought this was the solution.

I knew God then, but there was so much shame in where I was in life, I didn't turn to him. I didn't understand I should, could turn to him. Even still, El Roi. God still saw me. He still loved me. He waited for me to ditch the shame and come back to him.

Once I realized this, I've cared far less about who else sees me. Nothing I do is for anyone else, or should be for anyone else. Losing weight, getting healthy, eating right, working out, my job, relationships, and on and on, it's all about bringing honor to Christ. It's never been about me, it's always been about him. And I can use all the life hurts to remind others that God sees them too!

Before I hit post, I realized, it is also worth noting that, I haven't just been Hagar in this story. I've been Sarai too. Like Sarai (Sarah), I too have felt I was past the age of being usable in the ways I thought God wants to use me.  I too have tried to run ahead of God and do things my way, on my schedule, in my time and angry when it didn't work out.  I'm reminded that His timing is always best. I'm hoping he doesn't wait until I'm 99, but I'm excited to see how this new adventure unfolds!