Enjoy the Moment

Of all the words you could use to describe me, patient is not one of them. If you feel I'm being patient in any given situation, you can know with almost 100% certainty that there is some effort going into that moment.

I'm definitely a type A personality. Being aware of this I try really hard to not use it in a negative way. But sometimes that is just really hard. I'd say this is where a lot of my anxiety also stems from; a need for control, an unrealistic sense of urgency in pretty much all things, and just general impatience, among other things. Strangely as it may sound even with these things I also tend to procrastinate. I either take on too much, pushing things off until last minute or avoid some things when I become overwhelmed by not being able to complete them perfectly.

I recently finished reading the book "Everybody Always" where the author, Bob Goff spends  some time towards the end of the book telling some stories about his impatience. If you've read any of Bob's books, you know what a great storyteller he is. However, impatience is not a character trait I would have ever imagined he would use to describe himself. I read "Love Does" several years ago and have followed Bob on social media ever since. The words loving, kind, generous and even laid back come to mind, not impatient.

But back to my impatience, it's horrible and I'm sure very frustrating for those close to me. I always need to know the next move, what happens next, how are things going to end. I struggle very much with being in the moment. But the moments are where it's at! Moments are where memories are made. So many thing I just want to get through so I can see what's next.

I think parents do this a lot with kids. Think about it. Parent's are often saying how they can't wait until their babies can crawl, walk, talk, then later go to school, then even get their license and so much in between. Parents can so easily get caught up waiting for the next exciting thing that they blink and suddenly their baby is 18 and registered for college, or maybe that's just me. 😉

I'm guilty of that in nearly everything I do. I've been trying for some time now to be a lot more intentional about enjoying the moment. Time has always been very important to me. Time spent with loved ones is never wasted. You can earn or get more of a lot of things, time is not one of them, I like to make the minutes count. (Just don't keep me waiting, I might get a little grumpy... I'm working on that too.)

However, sometimes I do forget what really counts. I forget that enjoying the moment almost always means slowing down. I forget it may mean that it's ok to have laundry that still needs put away, following someone else's lead, missing a workout here and there, eating the ice cream and staying up a little later.

At the end of reading "Everybody Always" I came across a story where Bob and his adopted son are climbing Kilimanjaro. He said:

"People have asked me what the views were like going up Kilimanjaro. I've told them I don't know. the whole way up, I just kept my eyes fixed on the guide's boots and never looked up. A few times he went over a rock when I would have rather gone around it. But if he went over it, I went over it. Other times he went around a rock I would have rather gone over. But if he went around it, I went around it too. Here's what I learned: when you've got a guide you can trust, you don't have to worry about the path you're on. It's the same lesson I've been learning about Jesus. I'm just trying to follow love's lead."

He goes on to talk about the difficult climb up and no matter how much he struggled and bumped into his guide, the guide never got upset, he just knew that meant Bob was there following his lead. The same is true with Jesus. And He's aware that it's going to be a difficult trip. Bob talks about how when he headed out for the climb he was in a hurry. His guide kept telling him to slow down, which was hard advice for him to take. By the end of the first day Bob said he understood however why he needed to slow down, he was exhausted and he wasn't there yet.

"It's hard to walk with Jesus and run ahead of Him at the same time. Yet I've been doing that my whole life. I've misunderstood going slow as lacking enthusiasm and going fast as joy. I've confused patience as a lack of will and activity as purpose."

What does this men? I think it means we can either run fast and attempt to cross things off our lists or we can slow down to enjoy the moments along the way and find purpose in the journey. It means I can trust my guide because He is the best guide there is.

 

The Comeback

It's Monday morning and I am starting over, again. I spend more days off track than on track anymore it seems. I find I have less words to share. The encourager, motivator, the transparent me just isn't around.

I won't quit. No matter how many Mondays I start again, I won't quit. At least being stubborn works for good somehow. I've come to a point that I question if it's time to walk away from publicly sharing my journey. I've tried this before, came back, but I still feel the pull.

There is so much freedom and fear in that option. I fear getting lazy. However, I felt when I began this journey that God desired me to share the journey, all of the ups and downs. It was awkward and uncomfortable but I know it helped other people continue their journey.

Now, while not gaining back all 120 pounds is a huge win, gaining and losing the same 20 pounds isn't the journey I feel most people want to hear about. It's definitely real but it seems far from encouraging, motivating or what God has asked of me.

I believe this is the part where the words, the transparency gets difficult. If I'm not where God has asked me to be, I lack the desire to share. The question is then, is this where God expected me to be? Because it is possible it is, the struggle makes us that much stronger.

I know when it comes to relationship with Christ I am not where I was when I started this journey. Things got easier, I started to know how to do it myself, I didn't need help to continue. Life was hard when I started, life is still hard but a very different hard than it was in 2013.

Maybe I'm here losing the same 20 pounds over and over until I accept I'm not in control and need help (Go ahead and bring on the 12 steps I teach every single day). Maybe it is time to do this quietly, on my own, well not on my own, the first part of the paragraph still applies.

I've been so back and forth, but I know one thing for sure- I'm ready for a comeback. As we sang "The Stand" in church yesterday morning

"I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours"

I knew I was ready.

The question is how will I proceed. I'll tell you my plan.

Pray.

My plan until I hear differently is to take a 6 month hiatus from sharing my journey. I, for now, plan to return for 2019. I plan to work very hard for 6 months on me. Still blogging. Still sharing occasionally, maybe even a weekly update, but no daily food pics, or selfies, or workouts. Not centering my life around that journey anymore. Life changes, the journey changes. Ready to spend some time just focusing on me, my relationship with Christ, my health, my family, my friends, work, etc.

At the end of December praying about whether or not it's time to return. God leading all along the way, energizing and refocusing me so I can better help others on their journey!

Trusting Him for the comeback.

2B or not 2B

So in just about 6 months I have a rather big round birthday coming up. I take comfort in knowing that some of my favorite people are celebrating bigger round birthdays this year. This definitely helps mine not seem SO big 😉

However with that approaching round numbered birthday I've been thinking. Things are changing. My body is changing. While most days I still feel very young (as long as I get to bed by around 10pm) I know that I have to start approaching this healthy lifestyle a tad differently.

I've shown you all my progress pic. (If you haven't seen it go take a look here: Progress Pic ) Continual progress is going to get harder, even maintaining is going to get harder as time goes on.

Actually, can I just be really honest here? Two different thought processes are going on in my head.

1. I am turning 40 this year. I  MUST continue making healthy choices to keep me energized, keep the pounds off, maybe slow down some more wrinkles from forming and fight illness.
2. I am turning 40 this year. While I want to be around for another 40, 50, heck, 60 more years, I don't want to count calories and be so rigid all of these years.

I've struggled for quite some time with balance on this journey. I think I had it in the beginning then as pounds became harder to shed the more rigid I became. I don't like rigid me. I like disciplined me, but she is very different than rigid me. I want to re-find the me who chooses healthy MOST of the time, who doesn't "fall off the wagon" because of one poor(er?) choice. I want to find balance. The girl who can make educated choices, eat to fuel, yet enjoy without feeling guilty at times too.

Ultimate Reset was amazing. I felt A-MAZING after completing it. I felt so clean and refreshed, ready to do this again. It was exactly what I needed. It fed the disciplined, yet rigid me. But I needed that in that moment. I needed reminded what I could feel like.

Well, here we are several weeks later and I'm struggling. Struggling with that balance. Struggling with getting rid of the all or nothing thinking I tend to lean towards. So I gave in and agreed to try a new program. I see it working in many people I know. The focus is on changing how you think about food. Changing your relationship with food. There is no calorie, container, or macro counting. The food groups have been simplified. You weigh in daily because the scale is a guide to tell you how the previous day went. Should you repeat that day or no? And drink your water! Sounds simple enough.

I was apprehensive about trying something else, another program, I just want to be "normal". But after more research this may be just what I'm trying to accomplish, a mindset shift. I want to enjoy life, I want to be around and be healthy enough to enjoy life. I don't want food, or calories to control life. If you have never struggled with weight this may seem really silly to you. You may be thinking what a big to do I'm making out of nothing. I hope you never reach a point where your body makes this journey a reality for you. I wish it was a big to do out of nothing. I think well over 90% of people who take on the weight loss journey will tell you that the science of weight loss is simple, it's changing your mindset, the mental aspect of it that makes it difficult. The mental part of the journey is what makes it hard to maintain.

I know with my hypothyroidism and as I do continue to age, the struggle is only going to get more difficult. I'll have more than just the mental struggle working against me. The sooner I can find a balance, the better. Even shifting to maintaining without that being a struggle would be a victory for me.

To make a rather long story short, I'd like to find peace within myself while continuing to strive for being the best me - physically, mentally and of course spiritually.

So come Monday I'm read to start really working on a mind shift. I'm ready to begin educating myself even more about food, trying new foods and letting go of rigid me. I'm ready to bring scripture back to the forefront of this journey, where it belongs. I'm ready to do this!