Extra Chin, God Still Loves Me.

There are things about weight loss that I find not appealing, such as loose, sagging skin. Things such as lumps and bulges in weird places because fat doesn't just melt off smoothly and evenly apparently. Have I grossed you out or are you still with me here?

I tell you this for a reason, stick with me.

I see these things as grotesque and I am certain every other person in the world does too.
Let me rephrase, I see these things on MY body as grotesque and I assume every other person in the world does too. I'll even take it a step further, I'm certain they notice.  So, while I know that nothing about those statements are actually true, that's what plays over and over in my mind. That's what keeps me in sleeves and jeans every chance I get. I just couldn't wait for summer, then it got here and now I just can't wait for fall again so I can cover myself back up and not be miserably hot.

This is something I will have to pray about and overcome as time goes on. I'm positive it will get better if I remain patient and continue working on my fitness. I will hopefully see changes physically and mentally, accepting me regardless. But I must remind myself, nothing about my physical appearance changes how much God loves me. Nothing. Putting back on these 113 pounds or losing the other 31, neither change how much God loves me. Extra skin, God still loves me. Extra chin, God still loves me. I know that God desires for me to be healthy, that's the whole reason I started this journey, because that is how I can serve him BEST.  He can and will use me in any shape, but he desires me to be in the best shape. And when I say shape, I'm not talking running marathons, I'm not talking about the physical shape of my body, I'm talking about my body functioning the way it was designed and seeking Jesus to lead it. I must continually remind myself it has nothing to do with appearance.

So, where did this come from? Well, I took the picture on the left yesterday. Which led to the picture on the right today:

I had no intention of ever showing these pictures to a soul, but that  picture on the left made me feel a little better, a little stronger, reminded me that what everyone sees (because believe it or not I don't go around flexing my muscles all day) isn't what is underneath. The picture on the right, that's what I see every time I look in the mirror or post a fitness picture or video. And, well, that's what everyone else sees, however I'm certain my eyes are less forgiving than most others. One day that picture on the left, of what's underneath, that is going to shine through, maybe it will even be the "norm". But if it's not, that's ok too.

I've kind of already seen a transformation similar happen to me over these past three years which is probably what gives me hope for those arms (and legs, and stomach). This transformation I guess you could say is happening with my personality, it's happening inside me.

I've never, ever, ever been an outgoing person, but I love people... most days. Something has happened as I've discovered this passion- I want to tell people about it. I want to talk to people, share with them, help them if they will allow. Now let's not go crazy, I don't want to stand in front of hundreds, ok, not even 50 people and share about why I hope they want to get healthy. BUT, give me a social media outlet, message me, let me take you out for coffee and I will talk to you for days about it. Seriously, you have no idea. I have no agenda, I just want to encourage you to find this person I'm only beginning to find. And it doesn't apply only to weight loss or getting healthy, I just feel more comfortable being me, and worry a lot less what people think (except for my saggy arms of course ;) )

I know that a real physical weight, 113 pounds worth, has been lifted off my body. My bones, muscles, heart and lungs thank me regularly and ask to be pushed more. But there is another kind of weight that's being lifted too and that weight loss is what really leads to this new found confidence if you will. This confidence ( I almost can't even use that as a descriptive word for me) comes from getting up each day and deciding not to quit, deciding this is worth it. It comes from getting out of my comfort zone and sharing what God is doing with me, even though it feels SOOO awkward most of the time. I knew this part of me was in there, and I've tried to free me before, but I could never do it on my own. So thankful for God's unfailing love, grace and strength as I watch in awe where this path leads. In the end I have to remind myself not only of God's unfailing love but demonstrate that love to others and myself as well.