I Choose... Me

In June 2013 I had a choice to make. The answer was obvious, but not easy.

Today, I have a choice to make. The answer is obvious, but not always easy.

I think people often have a misperception that I get up every day and am excited to workout, twice, and eat healthy all day long. Would you be disappointed if I told you that is not the case most days? But, I do choose to do it anyway- most days.

Making the choice and being disciplined is not always easy. Actually, it's rarely the easy choice. And this is true regardless of what you are disciplining yourself for. I went 34 years of my life living the complete opposite of a healthy lifestyle. I still live in a house where the majority of the people live an unhealthy lifestyle. It's not easy.

I want to sleep the extra hour instead of working out, so I go to bed an hour early sacrificing time with the t.v. or staying out with friends, scrolling Facebook or just vegging out. I choose to ignore the brownies, cupcakes, cookies and whatever else might be in the house at any given time. It's not deprivation, which honestly, is what I've grown up to believe, it's the opposite, it's benefiting me far more than those "treats" ever will.

Like I said I don't always want to make these choices every day, and I don't ALWAYS make them. However there are some things I do want in life. I have goals. And while I realize life is not guaranteed, I would rather make my chances greater, at least when it comes to the circumstances I can control. So, yes, I choose me.

I want to see my son graduate high school and college (if he chooses)
I want to see him marry and hopefully have a family
I want to play with grand-kids (MANY years from now, boy that sounds weird to say)
 - and I don't want to struggle getting to the floor or up from the floor, or beating them in races down the street, I want to enjoy taking them to a movie or to get ice cream.
I want to return to Belize over and over - or wherever God leads me
I want to enjoy friendships that include, road-trips, shopping and nights out
I want to encourage others to get healthy
I want to be strong

What I don't want... I don't want life to pass me by. If I'm honest, I did that for a lot of years. I regret that, but I can't change it so I move forward with much expectation for the future!

Life is all about choices. Take it a choice at a time. Focus on how each choice will get you closer or further from where you want to be. Our devotional at workout tonight reminded me that my choices don't just affect me either. They affect those around me. Our devotional talked specifically how if we are not using the gifts and talents God gave us, we are hurting others by not sharing that with them. For example, it God gave me this journey to share with others to encourage them to get healthy and I chose not to do it. I could potentially hurt the people who were meant to hear my story and make a healthier choice.

Make a choice.
Choose you.
God chooses you.

Extra Chin, God Still Loves Me.

There are things about weight loss that I find not appealing, such as loose, sagging skin. Things such as lumps and bulges in weird places because fat doesn't just melt off smoothly and evenly apparently. Have I grossed you out or are you still with me here?

I tell you this for a reason, stick with me.

I see these things as grotesque and I am certain every other person in the world does too.
Let me rephrase, I see these things on MY body as grotesque and I assume every other person in the world does too. I'll even take it a step further, I'm certain they notice.  So, while I know that nothing about those statements are actually true, that's what plays over and over in my mind. That's what keeps me in sleeves and jeans every chance I get. I just couldn't wait for summer, then it got here and now I just can't wait for fall again so I can cover myself back up and not be miserably hot.

This is something I will have to pray about and overcome as time goes on. I'm positive it will get better if I remain patient and continue working on my fitness. I will hopefully see changes physically and mentally, accepting me regardless. But I must remind myself, nothing about my physical appearance changes how much God loves me. Nothing. Putting back on these 113 pounds or losing the other 31, neither change how much God loves me. Extra skin, God still loves me. Extra chin, God still loves me. I know that God desires for me to be healthy, that's the whole reason I started this journey, because that is how I can serve him BEST.  He can and will use me in any shape, but he desires me to be in the best shape. And when I say shape, I'm not talking running marathons, I'm not talking about the physical shape of my body, I'm talking about my body functioning the way it was designed and seeking Jesus to lead it. I must continually remind myself it has nothing to do with appearance.

So, where did this come from? Well, I took the picture on the left yesterday. Which led to the picture on the right today:

I had no intention of ever showing these pictures to a soul, but that  picture on the left made me feel a little better, a little stronger, reminded me that what everyone sees (because believe it or not I don't go around flexing my muscles all day) isn't what is underneath. The picture on the right, that's what I see every time I look in the mirror or post a fitness picture or video. And, well, that's what everyone else sees, however I'm certain my eyes are less forgiving than most others. One day that picture on the left, of what's underneath, that is going to shine through, maybe it will even be the "norm". But if it's not, that's ok too.

I've kind of already seen a transformation similar happen to me over these past three years which is probably what gives me hope for those arms (and legs, and stomach). This transformation I guess you could say is happening with my personality, it's happening inside me.

I've never, ever, ever been an outgoing person, but I love people... most days. Something has happened as I've discovered this passion- I want to tell people about it. I want to talk to people, share with them, help them if they will allow. Now let's not go crazy, I don't want to stand in front of hundreds, ok, not even 50 people and share about why I hope they want to get healthy. BUT, give me a social media outlet, message me, let me take you out for coffee and I will talk to you for days about it. Seriously, you have no idea. I have no agenda, I just want to encourage you to find this person I'm only beginning to find. And it doesn't apply only to weight loss or getting healthy, I just feel more comfortable being me, and worry a lot less what people think (except for my saggy arms of course ;) )

I know that a real physical weight, 113 pounds worth, has been lifted off my body. My bones, muscles, heart and lungs thank me regularly and ask to be pushed more. But there is another kind of weight that's being lifted too and that weight loss is what really leads to this new found confidence if you will. This confidence ( I almost can't even use that as a descriptive word for me) comes from getting up each day and deciding not to quit, deciding this is worth it. It comes from getting out of my comfort zone and sharing what God is doing with me, even though it feels SOOO awkward most of the time. I knew this part of me was in there, and I've tried to free me before, but I could never do it on my own. So thankful for God's unfailing love, grace and strength as I watch in awe where this path leads. In the end I have to remind myself not only of God's unfailing love but demonstrate that love to others and myself as well.

Getting Fit the Counter Culture

This post is not intended to offend, but I'm aware it might. Go ahead and backspace if it begins to get too personal for you, or maybe keep reading... maybe you need to hear it. I mean every word with love and it breaks my heart when I see so many companies making empty promises to people who need to learn what healthy really is. I just can't keep silent about that.

We live in a culture right now where everything is delivered immediately. Google can answer all our questions. Jimmy John's can deliver food so fast you'll freak. (We don't even have a Jimmy John's but hey, you get the point). We want to get rich by winning a huge lottery. Amazon can bring your groceries and anything else to your door, even by the next day if you're willing to pay a little extra. Electronic devices can instantly download any song or book. And I'm not saying these are all bad things.

What I am saying is we don't have to put forth much effort to get what we want. We don't have to work hard for very much, if we choose not to. So when things come up that are hard we feel defeated before we even start. We tend to lack the ability set goals, make a plan and take the time to reach those goals. We want it to happen yesterday. And that's why weight loss gimmick companies make TONS of money! And not just weight loss gimmick companies but other services that offer instant physical results - think plastic surgery or injections and such. (Sometimes these things are necessary, totally get that, but I'm talking about completely elective as opposed to putting forth work) No one wants to work for their success. They want it handed to them in a pill, a wrap, a shake, lotions, creams, whatever they think works. And a lot of those things might work for a short time. But if you aren't getting healthier it doesn't matter how many pounds you lose or what size pants you wear. If you aren't learning how to fuel your body by eating real food and moving more to keep your body strong, you are quite possibly fooling yourself. Your results likely won't last long, unless you begin to make some lifestyle changes using that first loss a motivator.

Could I slip up any day and go back to my old habits? You bet I can. I will have to make a decision to stick with this lifestyle for the rest of my life and that is a commitment I'm quite ok with making. Please don't fall for the quick fixes and the fad diets. Put in the work. Educate yourself about nutrition and exercise. No one can do this for you, except you.

(Disclaimer, because I know someone is thinking it: YES, I sell Beachbody. I sell Beachbody because they are NOT quick fix products. They are products I have used throughout my journey. They are products that combine fitness and nutrition and make you WORK for results. And YES, I believe there are other ways to get fit and healthy, I use some of those too! But if someone doesn't have a clue where to start or loves at home workouts, Beachbody has tons of options to fit everyone's fitness level and workout type. I'm MORE than happy to talk to anyone about starting their journey regardless of how they want to start!)

But why?

It's been a BIG couple of weeks in my corner of the world. I haven't even had time to share about my recent Belize trip! Before we get to that, let's jump ahead a little, then go back some, then tackle the trip.

Last night I was able to speak and share about my journey. I shared how I got to the point of weighing almost 300 pounds then I shared some tips about how I have steadily lost 110 pounds and am still going. The presentation managed to start and end on the same note: Why do you want to get healthy?

There are countless reasons someone might choose to take on a healthier lifestyle. Me, personally, I had three reasons on June 1, 2013 when I made the choice and those three reasons remain the same today:

1. Serve the Lord
2. Honor God by caring for my body
3. Be a better mom, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, co-worker and everything else

I'm not saying you can't have success for other reasons, but for me, these reasons will keep me going for a lot longer than one special event or even jean size. The truth is, if YOU don't want to make the effort to make the change, it's not going to stick.

I'm sure I've said it several times but joining the Belize mission team for the 2014 trip was a huge motivator for me to get started. However, that is only one way I continue to serve. I probably wouldn't have ever served in AWANA's if I was as miserable as I was 3 years ago. I wouldn't lead Purposefully Fit for obvious reasons. I wouldn't lead a lifegroup or serve coffee every Sunday. I would hide my face in the crowd and I hope I went unnoticed. 

What freedom I am finding!

Belize is really where it all started, well the preparation for it at least. How fun it was this year to be on my third year back to the same community with the same friends as well as many new ones. I appreciate and thank each one of you who prayed for our team while we were gone. While some of us had been several times and it feels like a second home, many had never been. And there are always the unknowns of travel, flights, illness or even group compatibility. One thing is for sure, God was and is in control and He works all things for His good.

And He did. And He will.

It was so fun to watch friendships form, on the team and between the two cultures. To watch kids experience the trip with a parent. To reconnect face to face with the Armstrong's and see Pastor Mark looking so strong. To experience Belizean culture (that reads: food, haha). To see the kids who have grown a foot since I saw them last and how much more some of them trust us after continually coming back. To paint a house, hang out with the kids at their school, run around with 110 kids at Vacation Bible School, and to be able to use what God had given us to bless others in the community. To bake cupcakes while getting some serious encouragement from a godly woman I admire. To worship the Lord. To listen to kids say over and over their favorite part of the week was studying the Bible. To tell people Jesus loves them.

It was tough to hear testimonies of pain. To watch a joyful young man receive devastating news. To attend a wake. To see needs that can't be met, at least not yet. To wonder if I'm doing enough, here or there. To wonder how many opportunities to share about Christ I miss daily. To wonder if the kids, moms, families, community and church know I really care and am praying for them. It's tough to come home and realize what a brat I am about some things.

Every time I come back from a week away, in a country I have grown to love,  my eyes are opened more and more to the wonders of our Amazing God. I'm always amazed at how God uses people here and there (and around the world) to build relationships that serve to bridge gaps of faith and encourage one another. We definitely all need each other.

If you want to know more I'd love to sit down and tell you all of the details. Coffee anyone?

Obedience Illuminates Confidence

I've struggled with confidence for as long as I can remember. I am only just now, in my late 30's, beginning to explore a life lived in confidence. I realize now, confidence for me can only come through my faith in God. I am not confident. I am confident in God.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

This confidence only shines when I forget about all of my insecurities and put my trust in the Lord. Obedience illuminates confidence. And it takes a hefty pep talk to remind myself of that most days. All of my insecurities are still there, I just have to choose what I am going to do with them. I watch as others share about their insecurities and how they deal with them. I begin to realize we all have them, I just have to choose not to let them rule the day.

Making that choice can be hard. Losing weight has helped me feel more confident most days. It has eliminated certain insecurities, but while I no longer worry about things such as being the biggest person in the room, or will that fit, there are MANY new issues that come with losing large amounts of weight (we will save that for another post, another day). Choosing to put myself out there somewhat publicly, at least in my little corner of the world, opens the door for judgement and criticism as well. While I haven't heard any yet, though I'm sure it's said - just not to my face, I am working to prepare to deal with the day it comes.

"But blessed is the one who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in Him." Jeremiah 17:7

During my trip last week I was faced with some incidents where I had to decide to be confident in God, in me, the me God made, the me I am becoming. There were a moment or two I was almost brought to tears because I almost couldn't muster the confidence to move forward.  Thesemoments were situations I never could have prepared myself for, that struck out of the blue, and were never intended to harm, I'm just a little on the sensitive side. ;) Other times I knew there would be uncomfortable moments and I chose to tackle them head on.

Nothing I do or say is to gain attention for myself, my purpose is obedience to Christ, whatever that looks like each day.  My confidence is never about seeking out applause for myself. EVER. Everything I do is to give glory to Christ. God has given me this life, this journey to show people just how incredible He is. I cannot do that sitting in my house watching life pass by. I must get out, out of the house, out of my comfort zone, out of my own head that tries to hold me back. Only there will I find the opportunities to grow in my faith, therefore gaining new confidence, through Christ.

This week I get the opportunity to speak for the very first time publicly about my journey. This is so far beyond my comfort zone I have no words to describe the feeling I get just thinking about it. If you believe in prayer I would absolutely covet your prayers for this event on Thursday evening. I know that God is in control and He has given me this journey to share and encourage others. So I'm stepping out from behind the computer and doing just that. At least I keep telling myself I can do it... I will let you know how it goes!

Un - BELIZE - able

In less than 24 hours I will be sitting on a plane with 12 other members of my team, headed back to Belize! This makes the third summer Devin and I have been blessed with the opportunity to serve God in our now second home.

Devin and I prior to boarding last year

The first year after we returned, Devin immediately knew he was going back. Me on the other hand, I wasn't so sure. I loved the people, the food, the scenery, etc. but being afraid of the unknown almost ruined the trip for me. I found myself unable to loosen up and focus on the real purpose of the trip, sharing the Gospel.

Vacation Bible School 2014

As time passed I knew God was nudging me to go again. This time I would be a little healthier and a little less focused on the what ifs. The trips were like night and day different. I was able to focus on the people, getting know them, focusing on their needs, allowing them to minister to us... even if we think we are the ones going to do the ministering. What an amazing week of worship, fellowship, swallowship (as Ms. Jackie calls it) and service!

Swallowship! 2015

2015

I am beyond excited about returning to Belize tomorrow, seeing how much all of the kids have grown, enjoying time and growing friendships with the Armstrong's and other families from Faith Tabernacle, meeting new people and seeing how God is moving in their community. I can't wait to see Pastor Armstrong after the medical scare he gave everyone earlier in the year! I also can't wait to see how God has grown me and matured my faith over the past year. I love watching team members grow in their faith right before my eyes, just another amazing experience the trip allows.

Kevin and his new bike 2014

We serve a very mighty and powerful God. A God who does not have to send us to another country to give us opportunities to minister, grow the kingdom and grow friendships. But I sure am thankful He does!

Abi, Timmy and family 2015

The Armstrongs 2015

  Check out our trip journal throughout the next week here:
http://www.prayingpelicanmissions.org/journals?tripid=7063