Wrestling with Restlessness

Today was an extra day off. I just finished my second cup of coffee and am working on my Bible study for small group tomorrow night. I realized I haven't wrote anything for awhile, so I thought I'd head over here and see what I could come up with. As I sit quietly trying to decide what direction I want to go, I keep seeing these words staring back at me:

The answer is yes. Absolutely.
I get restless wondering what comes next, and when.
I get restless and can't focus on what's right in front of me.
I find myself so focused sometimes on the unknown I am surely missing out on opportunity right before my eyes. (I feel like I've said this a lot lately)

I want to dream, I want to plan, I want to get out and make things happen, but I get scared. What if this happens, or what if that happens? Maybe I should wait until I get through this, or am finally able to do this first? Excuses make me restless. Not doing what I need to do makes me restless.

So, I sat down and put some serious thought into this whole dreaming business this morning. I thought about things I accomplished last year that I never thought possible, in hopes it would guide me to dream for this year. I thought about how different my life is this year already compared to this time last year. Wow. God did that. I trust Him.

Even trying to just think about things to dream about made me restless. I couldn't focus, my mind would wander to things I thought I had to be resolved immediately. I had to remind myself, nothing I've accomplished has been done so by running ahead of where God has me in that moment. I need to be patient, yet ready to go.  I need to make goals and then do things to get there. It doesn't have to be done by tomorrow. Breathe, enjoy the process.

Then something else hit me. I struggle, I mean really, struggle with consistent quiet time. I get so focused on what all needs to be done before I leave the house each morning. Things that I feel can't be done later, things I need to remember to take with me, trying to get a workout in, lunch packed, clothes figured out, breakfast made, Devin up... you get the idea. I get up early and I don't prioritize quiet time in the morning. I've believed for a long time that as long as I get it in it's all good. Is that the way I should think about spending time with the Creator?

I realize some of you may be thinking, duh, right about now. But in my mind, I knew I prayed throughout the day when things came up. I read my Bible often at lunch if I was working, or as soon as I took my coffee "break" in the mornings when I was home. However someday's lunch is busy, or coffee is rushed and I think I'll for sure get it in before my head hits the pillow that night. However, some nights by then I'm just too tired. But I'd rationalize, I prayed, I spent time with Him. But sometimes I just never actually got still and worshiped Him, enjoyed Him, gave the green light to be in charge of my day.

It almost sounds silly saying this out loud, but I have a feeling I'm not completely alone in this. I make sure God is first in a lot of things in my life, my paycheck, my relationships, parenting, why would I not make Him first in my day? It's not about being legalistic and making rules that this is the only time I can spend time with God. It's about God deserving the very first thought of my day. He doesn't have to have an all out study marathon each morning. He needs time in prayer and time in His Word. Really, it's that simple. It's a must. And for me, it must be first.

So, what if a lot of this restlessness comes from disobedience? What if the restlessness is from ignoring what's right in front of me? What if simply starting each day, on purpose, in prayer and in the Word, relieves some of that restlessness? What if that's what I've been running from, something as simple as putting God first each morning rather than fitting Him in?

People.

This past Wednesday was one of my favorites.

It was the first official weigh in of 2015, I was down 7 pounds! But before we all get too excited let's not forget that those were 7 pounds I had already lost previously, several times actually, most recently about 6 weeks ago. Right now I sit at about the weight I thought I was the absolute heaviest I could possibly be after I had Devin. So yea, I've been losing these same pounds and then some, for 15 years or so. This time is different though, really, it is.

Another perk of Wednesday? I teach on Wednesday's. (Which I love.) Currently I travel nearly an hour, one way, to where I teach and have a rather lengthy break in the middle of the day, so all of that driving and waiting is a lot of time to just be silent. It's amazing the things one can hear when one chooses to be silent. I'll admit I haven't been real good at purposely getting silent lately to hear what God has to say. But Wednesday I was and God wasn't. (And as a side note, all of my classes were so well behaved after our two week break, yay!) I pray before I enter each classroom that even though I'm not there to share the gospel that somehow I manage to be that light for even one student. I'll never know if I was, but that won't stop me from praying about it.

Also on Wednesdays is our small group. We are currently studying Restless by Jennie Allen. Our lesson this week was about people. We talked about people who need us, people we need, people we meet everyday and all the opportunities to share the gospel with people. We take turns leading the study and the woman who led Wednesday challenged us to have an intentional conversation before we meet again. This conversation with someone, anyone, should be about God. I'm not good with random conversations about anything, let alone, God, with strangers... Wait, I'm not good with random conversations about anything, especially God, with most people. It's true. But I really, look forward to this challenge and I'll try to remember to report back how that went. I mean I did say this year was about overcoming, right?

In the Restless study we are studying the story of Joseph. This week in particular we were discussing the part of the story where Joseph's brothers come to him, unknowingly, to get some grain because of the famine. After the big reveal to his brothers of who he is, Joseph makes a statement about how his brothers shouldn't be frightened by him. How God sent him on ahead to be able to help them during this time. Do you know what all Joseph went through? A couple of decades of slavery, imprisonment, false accusations, etc... Not good times, and it started when these same brothers who now need grain, got jealous and sold Joseph into slavery. One woman in our small group mentioned how incredible it was to her that Joseph could have this attitude of grace, forgiveness and understanding of needing to be sent ahead to help his family, and entire land. How God chose to use all of those horrible things in his life to bring him to this point where he could save people, including his family, from famine.

Wow. If that doesn't get you thinking.

It did get me thinking. There are things about me that I keep buried. Things that have happened that I'm either not proud of or that I've decided hurt too much. While God didn't place me in any of those situations, he did allow them all to happen. And somewhere down the line there is a reason, a purpose for every single event that happened in my life, for every single person I have met along the way. And the same holds true for you. From people who changed the entire course of our lives, to the clerk who rang us up today. Nothing accidental.

So, 2015 is about overcoming? Well then I think it's time to begin praying about letting buried things rise. Whatever that might mean.  No part of our lives is meant to be buried like it's useless. God uses all of the parts to make a whole when we let him.

Bucket List

I obviously don't have a clue what God has in store for me in 2015. But I know that there are things He wants me to overcome. Times He wants me to climb out of the nest, step onto the branch and then jump. The nest is so comfortable though and if everyone would just come to it they could be comfortable too. However this isn't how it works. No one, no thing, no event is going to come to me, I must go. So I decided to compile a list of a few of the situations or people or events God is calling me to. It would be rather easy to just sit here and say I'll wait for God to show me what He wants me to do, but the truth is, I'm going to guess, He already has. Countless times. Now is the time to write them down, make plans, and put plans in action. Do something. Anything.

I am more than aware that many, many things will happen throughout the course of the year to steer my plans. Things will likely not work out like I intended. That's OK. So long as in the end they work out how God intended. My plans are often, not His plans. Often He has other ways of doing things and as long as I stay close to him, he will reveal those plans to me and I can make adjustments. But I have to know where I'm starting. What are some things I know that I need to be doing or working on?

We'll start with the obvious. The purpose of this whole blog: Working on my fitness.

God doesn't just want, but needs me to be healthy to accomplish anything else I might list on my 2015 bucket list. Most all of the things will require some kind of going or doing. God wants me to let go of all my plans to lose weight and listen to him. To trust him. To wake up each morning and ask him to help me make good decisions regarding my health that day. Then the crazy part, he actually expects me to make those good decisions. He expects me to be active and to eat foods that give me the energy to be active. To eat foods that help prevent diseases. Should weight loss be a result of all of this, I believe so. I don't believe I can function to the best of my ability the size that I am now. So weight loss is a goal. Do I dare put a number on the year... I will say 45 pounds. That is beyond doable! I should be able to double that. But 45 would put me at my pre-pregnancy weight and that was oh, 16 years ago. I've never seen it since. So for this I will set fitness and food goals each week to try and help keep me disciplined. God will help me, is helping me overcome my addiction to sugar and food in general.

Belize! Devin and I are planning to go back to Belize this summer. I am so excited about this journey. Which is rather surprising to me considering how I felt when I left last year. I think I thought financially it was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I didn't want to get my hopes up about going again. I don't know if this will be the last time or if there will be many more to come. So I need to make this one count. I think I spent too much time worrying about the details beforehand and while I was there last year. The unknown just terrifies me. That's not to say I didn't absolutely love the people I met along the way and enjoy my time there, because I did. But to be honest I know there is so much more if I will allow God to help me overcome my need to plan. My need to stick to a schedule. My need to know every minute what is going to happen next. I believe this is something the people of Belize can really help me learn! ;)  And in learning this I will learn something much more valuable than just living life without watching the clock. I think this holds the key to really living life. To see needs along the way. To build relationships with people. To just everything. When you aren't bound by a clock you have time for anything. Now, like anything else you can take this too far the other way too. I don't foresee this being an issue with me ;)

To dream. To dream with God. To dream about things that don't seem possible and try to figure out how God could use me to get them done. To build my confidence in myself, through God. I believe the healthier I get the more confident I get. I don't by any means want to become prideful or cocky. I want to have the confidence to serve God in any way God calls me to serve. To not second guess. To not feel there must be someone else better qualified. Not to say I won't ask, but to accept the reality that I'm it sometimes. He really does want to use me for things. I pray that God helps me overcome my insecurities, my fear... of literally everything. Not being good enough, making the wrong choice, saying the wrong words, messing up, overstepping, stepping on toes, being too loud, not saying enough... you get the idea. I have a fear of everything. This keeps me wrapped up in my nest tighter than any other thing I can possibly list here.

For the most part this list is so general and just the beginning. I realize the possibilities of what God might actually have planned are endless. To me that's the beauty. I know these are the things He's been speaking loud and long to me about. This is the year to make much progress in these areas. So here is to a #NoFearNewYear!

***I haven't personally used this but in our small group we are doing Jennie Allen's study "Restless". Here is her dream guide to give some guidance with your dreaming; Dream Guide

:To Conquer

Overcome.

I spent some time this week writing a blog post for the new year. It was all about what a great year 2014 was and how awesome 2015 is going to be. I'm not sure if I was trying to convince you, or myself.

However I sat down to finish it on New Years Eve and it just seemed to have gone stale. I had no words. I thought I might have just been rusty from not writing much lately. After a little time the post seemed to take off and I got it all done and ready to hit publish on New Years Day. Unfortunately for you, I suppose, you will never see that post.

 "You are from God, little children, and have overcome them; because greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world". 1John 4:4

After finishing writing I settled in with some Netflix and enjoyed the rest of my NYE. Around 11:00 I decided I could head to bed. I was going to listen to music and I was sure I'd make it until midnight with my tunes and some social media surfing. That's when it hit me, when the music started, the post wasn't stale because I hadn't written in a long time, it was stale because I wasn't listening. I was trying to write the post I wanted to write.

I definitely made it to the new year. Back up to write a new post!

"These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world". John 16:33

The post I was trying to write was about being intentional in 2015. I laid there wondering, listing to the lyrics of  "How Can it Be" by Lauren  Daigle. How could I be intentional? What was I going to be intentional about? Working out? Eating better? Praying? Reading my Bible? Loving others? 

Great. How? Why? Where? When?

Overcome.

The word just kept repeating. How could I be intentional about anything when I let so much hold me back? 2015 will be a year of overcoming. Overcoming will lead to more intentional living. Intentional living means not letting life pass you by, seizing each moment. I'm not sure anymore the how or the what or the why  of this than I was of being intentional. All I know is this word has been stuck with me all week. Every time I open my Bible. Every time I get still with God. I hear overcome. So here we go, ready to overcome!

" Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:21

I am guilty

Ashamed of what I've done, what I've become

These hands are dirty

I dare not lift them up to the Holy one

Chorus

You plead my cause

You right my wrongs

You break my chains

You overcome

You gave Your life

To give me mine

You say that I am free

How can it be

How can it be

I've been hiding

Afraid I've let you down, inside I doubt

That You could love me

But in Your eyes there's only grace now

Bridge

Though I fall, You can make me new

From this death I will rise with You

Oh the grace reaching out for me

How can it be

How can it be

" What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?" Romans 8:31