A night in the life of sundowning

A typical night spent with my grandpa:

6:00-7:00 Supper (tried giving his anxiety meds earlier tonight to head off his increasingly anxious behavior this week)
8:00 Went to bed
9:30 Up from bed,  putting on more clothes
1030 Ready to leave (gave another dose of anxiety medicine,  first time trying two doses)
11:00 Angry, decided he will walk home if I won't call him a ride-almost to the point of tears. Also packs a kroger bag of necessities and adds another shirt on.
11:30 Convince him to stay and have a cookie
12:00 Head feels woozy so he lays back down
1:30 Gets back up- piddles around the house... sooo tired
4:00 Tried to sit in a chair that swivels but misses.  Falls to the ground, thankfully not far since he was trying to sit anyway.  I help him up by lifting him and direct him to bed as he is obviously very tired.  Help him get all four of his shirts off and his pants,  shoes and socks so he will be comfortable
7:15 Up and begins getting dressed
7:45 Still getting dressed so I start breakfast
8:30 Back under the covers,  Guess he is not getting up after all

While each nights events are different,  the timing of them is relatively similar.  On occasion you get lucky and he will sleep straight through.  But these are few and far between.

Remain

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardner. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers;  such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and it will be given to you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciple". -John 15:1-8

"Follow Me" by David Platt is what we are currently discussing on Wednesday nights at my church. Before you go thinking I'm some Bible study junkie let me add that both studies I'm doing at church we are spending 2-3 weeks on each lesson. I'm not cramming them all in each week. I try to spread them out almost use them a little more like a devotional- each one separate yet waiting to see how is God weaving it all together. I also am currently reading "7-an experimental mutiny against excess" by Jen Hatmaker. I am only halfway through chapter 1 but I guarantee there will be more posts to come about this. I have only recently began to read Jen's blog and now this book but I already feel like she is personally challenging me.

But back to the vine. This passage is the "root" of week 2's study in "Follow Me". I've read this passage many times. Unfortunately a lot of my Bible reading often times amount to just that-Bible reading- very little reflection. (Which is what have begun doing much more of after reading "Definding the faith" by Mary Jo Sharp and can't wait to do her study "Why do you helieve that?" with my women's group.) I read a lot, but I don't always read the Bible a lot and when I do read it's generally not to see what truth I find in it. It's alongside someone else's truth. I often don't question, I just take it and accept it. Well, no longer, and these verses are precisely why. I must remain in Him. Not on David Platt who remains in Him. Not in Beth Moore who remains in Him. Not in my pastor who remains in Him. I must remain in Him. Me. Don't get me wrong I LOVE hearing others thoughts. I love their questions to get me thinking. Their faithfulness encourages me!

What I do realize is I must start plugging my name into passages and making them personal. What does this mean to Mandy? Not just people in general. How can I apply this passage right now? Look back at the passage from John 15, what does He say will happen to me if I don't remain in Him? I can't bear fruit. I will be thrown away, wither, picked up, thrown into the fire and burned! Me. If I don't remain in Him, this will happen.

I want to be a healthy fruit bearing vine. This passage makes it clear there is only one way for this to happen. Be with Jesus as much as possible. Allow Him to prune, it's healthy. Think of those Bible studies, their authors, our pastors, and  other mentors as gardening tools. Allow Him to use them in your life as pruning tools but don't remain solely in them.  Remain in Jesus. I must not move away from the only source of pure nourishment or I will wither,  fall away, be picked up and burned.

Lord,
Thank you for loving me enough to continually care for me. For the nourishment you freely give so long as I come to the source. Thank you for the tools you give us in people like BethMoore, David Platt, Jen Hatmaker, Mary Jo Sharp, Angela Thomas, Priscilla Shirer and local pastors such as my own, Pastor Todd. Continue to nourish them as they remain in you and seek to proclaim your name. In John 15 you tell us that you will give us our wishes if we ask. Help me remain in you , because as surely as I remain in you, your will will become my wish. The desires of my heart will be the desires you have placed there. As I go through this day with you, nourish me, prune me where necessary and encourage my budding faith to become a vine that bears fruit continually. I love you and I thank you for everything. -Amen!

Breaking Free!

Our women's group began Beth Moore's Bible study "Breaking Free" in January. We only meet an hour at a time so we won't be finished until the end of May. I had no idea what to expect when we started this study. I really wasn't sure what I  would need (read, could need) to break free from.

For the first several weeks as the study was progressing it seemed each week I was finding things I felt God was calling me to break free from. But I kept telling myself I couldnt break free from so many things at one time. I needed to pick one thing and work one that. So each week I would go in telling God, I'm going to break free from this through this study. I'm pretty sure that got a good laugh from God. He began to make it clear; that was not His intention at all for me. He began to reveal that I most certainly do not get to pick the area I feel needs some work.

God wasn't giving me some suggestions and saying maybe you would like to try and work on one of these. No, He was telling me ALL of these things are getting in the way. ALL of these things are separating us. And that's when I realized what God was showing me. I am my own worst enemy. I need to break free from myself. It's my guilt holding me back. It's my need to truly forgive that's holding me back. It's the anger in my heart that's holding me back. It's the rules I make for my life holding me back. It's my judgements and life comparisons holding me back. I need to break free from myself and my ideas about how my life is supposed to go.

I can honestly say I am doing this. It's hard for me. It's something I must make a choice to do every day. Day by day. Moment by moment. Sometimes succeeding,  sometimes failing miserably. The days that I fail are the days that I don't start the day by telling God that I'm getting out of the way and the day is His. Sometimes in my brain it seems much easier to live by the rules I've made for myself. This way, for the most part, I know what's coming. This, as opposed to things like the uncertainty going on in my heart right now. I know it's God and I know He's up to something. It's just not time for me to know all the details yet. And it's here I also realize doing it my way might be much easier but it is a lot less meaningful!

Lord,
I come to you today giving you this day. Stepping out of the way so you can continue to mold me and use me. Anything I choose to do without you is meaningless. Lord, the things you are laying on my heart are still very vague- which makes them seem enormous and beyond my abilities. Continue to teach me and show me your plan. Continue to grow in me as I seek more of you. Take away my desire for everything I am allowing to govern me, to have lordship over me. Help me totally surrender to you. Only then will the works you desire of me become reality. I love you Lord and I thank you for continually,  unconditionally loving me beyond what I deserve.
Amen

Adventures with Grandpa

So, I bet you thought I was kidding huh? Well, I wasn't, I'm back and I've got lots on my mind. God is working on something huge in my heart right now and I'll be honest I have no idea where He's headed yet. This both thrills me and scares the living daylights out of me!

The biggest thing however happening in my life right now is helping to care for my 86 year old grandfather. My grandfather is currently on hospice and unable to live alone. He suffers from stage IV lung cancer and fairly advanced dementia.

Dementia is quite possibly one of the saddest diseases to watch a loved one suffer through. I'm sure many of my posts will include anecdotes pertaining to this adventure I'm taking with my grandpa. There are so many stories to tell and I'm always learning.

Today begins the ninth week of this journey, no adventure. But let's back up and recap what got us here. It all started last July when grandpa called late one night in pain and needing to go to the hospital. Doctors found he had over 2 liters of fluid on his lungs and removed it. They also found spots on his lungs. During this first of several stays is when we also first began to realize there were other problems. My grandpa was exhibiting behaviors they called sundowning. We often had to stay all night with my grandpa in the hospital to keep the episodes to a minimum.

We began seeing a pulmonologist and had a couple more hospital stays before getting the diagnosis of stage IV lung cancer in September. We tried chemo. Two rounds of chemo nearly killed my grandpa. From here my grandpa began an oral medication called Tarceva which did help stabilize the cancer. Problems much bigger than cancer however began to surface.

One Saturday evening the phone rang and a man on the other end said he was with my grandpa who was lost and trying to get home. My parents helped get him home and stayed with him a few hours and asked him to hand over his keys. A few hours later, in the middle of the night, the phone rang again. He needs his keys back. He needs to go to McDonalds, so my mom goes over to stay. Early on we allowed him to stay alone during the day some, but stayed all night. Until he set the toaster on fire, then it became clear he needed 24/7 care. We tried doing this just us, but after only two weeks it became clear we would need more help. My grandpa's sundowning at night can be exhausting for those of us trying lead our "normal" life alongside caregiving. And here is where we are now.

So many people, especially people my own age, just don't seem to understand why we're doing this- why I'm doing this. So many people want to know why we don't place him in a nursing home. And until it's your loved one I completely understand why you would question.  Financially this makes more sense.  Stage IV lung cancer means this is most likely not long term. But more importantly my grandpa has been independent all his life. He is a retired navy veteran, a retired police and fire chief and lived on his own since the passing of my grandma over 10 years ago. With the confusion/ dementia we really did not want to take him out of his environment.  He stopped taking Tarceva over a month ago, which is what qualified him for hospice care. A nurse comes to his home to check on him three times a week. While there are many, many ups and downs, I wouldn't want it any other way. And I feel God has called me to be here on my journey to love- James 1:27!

I'm baaack....

Why did I stop writing?  Not enough time? Well thats' s probably the reson I gave myself. But I am back! Look for many more posts soon!