My hope is in you Lord

It's Thursday. It's the day after Christmas. My mind should be totally focused on all of the things I'm thankful for. And it is, but it's stuck on something else as well. Something I just can't shake.

Hope.

Actually, the lack of hope.

How do people live without hope?

Seriously. I've spent a lot of time the past several days just pondering this thought and I just can't imagine.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 15:13

Last Sunday I woke up to a text message that said "Please pray". I knew what the situation had been earlier in the weekend. I knew exactly what my dear friend wanted me to pray for now. I passed the message on to other friends I knew would also pray for this precious woman and her family. I didn't know the exact circumstances of the moment but I knew God did. I knew He knew exactly what their requests were.

A short time later I got word that this request had not been answered in the way they had hoped. My friends mother in law passed away very suddenly Sunday morning only 3 days before Christmas. My heart broke for all of them. I've felt the hurt of loss this year, but not quite like this. Fourteen years ago I lost my grandma on that very same day, 3 days before Christmas, but it wasn't like this. This loss came suddenly, unannounced, unsuspecting. 

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit" Psalm 34:18

This kind of loss scares me for selfish reasons too. It is all too real of a reminder that it could be any of us, at any moment. Not scary in the paranoid kind of  way, but in the, this life is real, God expects me to make every moment count kind of way. It scares me because am I doing that? Am I living that life? Am I thankful everyday that I have another chance to tell another person about the Savior who rescued me?  Am I not just thankful but am I doing something with this time? If I'm completely honest with myself the answer is no, most likely not like He wants me to. 

But still, I have this hope, I know who hope is. My friend, her mother in law knew hope, she is with Jesus. She gets to have Christmas every single day for all of eternity now. I know too that my friend, her husband, their family, they know hope and while I also know that things hurt more than they might be able to bear right now, they will hold tight to hope. I know no words I utter to them can ease their pain. But I know they know Jesus and Jesus will continue to bring them comfort. So I pray for them, and the entire family as they enter this new chapter. Because while life goes on, it's very different now. Something is missing, someone that can't be replaced. But that empty place in their hearts, that place can and will be filled with a peace that only Jesus can bring. 

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me, and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13

So this is where my thoughts on hope started from. What really gets me are where my thoughts went to next. There are so many other terrible stories of loss scattered across the news this Christmas season. Loss of homes, loss of jobs, loss of children... Do these people know hope? Where will they seek their comfort? How can people live each day without this peace?  We might seek peace from many different outlets, we suffer losses from many things. These losses eventually are meant to help us to realize the only thing that is constant and true, the only thing that will continue to fill our hearts is Jesus Christ, the Prince of Peace.

"Therefore since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice, in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5

So thankful that my hope is in you Lord!

Where does your hope come from?

Overwhelming thanks!

I'm just completely overwhelmed today. Today should be my thankful post. I have most of it written out from each day already... in a notebook... in my car. But I'm exhausted and I'm not going to go get it. I'm just going to wing it. I have so much to be thankful for this week, I don't even know where to begin.

I'm thankful for the Show-Me-Center that allowed some awesome artists to come in and perform last Friday. I'm thankful for some awesome friends whom I got to enjoy dinner and a concert with. I'm thankful for the awesome artists who performed at the Show-Me-Center last Friday night, allowing me a night out.

That would be Toby Mac!

I'm thankful to be back to work this week, even if I have to be off again starting next Monday.

I'm thankful for yet another sermon that spoke to me so deeply. Words I just can't get off my mind. Wonderings of what comes next?

I'm thankful for another year!

Thankful for co-workers that make you feel special on your special day.

Thankful for all the special birthday wishes from friends and family. You guys really know how to make a girl feel loved. And I mean that! I think the tears began here... (You'll understand what I mean if you keep reading)

I'm thankful for the ability to spend most of the week in the kitchen making and baking treats to share with others.

I'm thankful for ladies who love to give when they are able!

These donations are headed to Brookport, Illinois for tornado victims.

I'm thankful this quarter is almost over for Devin because I honestly cannot take anymore. 8th grade is hard. (He could really use some prayers Friday if you would please)

I'm thankful that the package our women's group put together for the children in Belize finally made it there this week, in time for Christmas! I also can't wait to meet these Belizeans I have heard so much about already.

There is so much more I could share but really all my heart wants to say in this post is THANK YOU!

I sit here in tears yet again, completely overwhelmed by events of the day. Some tears of frustration.

But mostly tears of overwhelming gratitude.

 Someone sent me the absolute kindest, most thoughtful Christmas card today. They choose not to sign it and I respect that, but I really want to tell them thank you! I pray God leads you, whomever you may be, to read this. That was quite possibly the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever said and done for me. I pray God blesses you in ways you could never imagine! He is truly already doing that for me. I am blessed with sooo many wonderful people in my life. (Aaaakk... more tears just thinking about all of you! Seriously.) If your are reading this you can be pretty sure you are probably one of them. I could have never have imagined how rewarding and fulfilling living life in the middle of the will of God could/can be. Not saying I'm there all the time, but I am saying, you all are a huge part of that!

I am so blessed and for that I say...

THANK YOU!

THANK YOU!

THANK YOU!

Right where I'm meant to be

What do you think?

Do you think you are right where God intended for you to be?

I read this on twitter earlier; "You are beautiful, you are strong, and you are right where you are meant to be" and it really made me stop to think. Am I right where I am meant to be?

Probably not.

If you know me, I think you would have to agree that based on all of my life choices I am not exactly where God intended for me to be 25 years ago when I said I agreed to follow Him. I took several wrong turns along the way. I can say with certainty this is not the life He would have chosen for me. Unfortunately I didn't let Him choose. I didn't grow closer to Him after I said I wanted to follow Him. I never really understood what it meant to have a personal relationship with Him. I continued to try to do life on my own. I made decisions based on what was good at that moment as opposed to seeking His will for my life. Often times I even knew I wasn't making the best decisions but chose to make them anyway. Sometimes I think we probably all choose to ignore the possible consequences thinking if we just don't get "caught" it really won't hurt any one.

So no, the more that I think about it, I don't think I'm right where I'm supposed to be. And I'd say the same goes for a good portion of us. What a downer this post would be if I ended it right here.

But I won't! There is good news to share as well.

When people tell others that they are right where they are meant to be, their intentions are good. I'm sure I've said this to my fair share of people as well. However now I will consider whether I mean it before I say it again. Sometimes it does fit. Sometimes you are in a situation that you were placed in by God Himself and in those cases you are in His will, you are right where you are meant to be, at that moment.

And there is more good news!

Just because we haven't always made the right choice doesn't mean God can't use us right where we are.

Right where we are might not be right where we were meant to be, but so long as we seek God, wherever we are, He can make good come from it. God doesn't keep score of how many wrong turns we take so long as we seek His forgiveness and desire to start taking steps towards Him. God can pick us up from right where we are standing, no matter what we are standing in the middle of, and use us, so long as we are willing to seek His will and call Him Savior of our life! God can use our failed marriages/ relationships, struggles with alcoholism, drug abuse/addiction. He can use single parents, married parents and absent parents. God can use our struggles with finances. God can use absolutely any struggle or difficult or disappointing circumstance we might have gotten ourselves into. God can pick us up from any pit we might have dug ourselves into and set us on His path. Can you think of any better news?!

So while I don't think I'm on the path God would have ideally intended me to be on, I'm on the path He knew I was going to take. Nothing surprises Him and He was still ready and waiting for me when I realized the mistakes I was making. He was ready to scoop me and up and guide me. He's ready every day to do just that for me, all I have to do is ask Him and agree to whatever He asks of me. The same goes for you! You can be right where He already knows you are and He will lead you right where He wants you to go from there. If you are struggling with feeling like you are too far gone, or you need to fix this one thing first, stop. It will never happen, or there will always be another struggle. Seek Jesus now, He's ready and waiting to scoop you up too! He's ready to set you on a path that leads straight to Him!

'Tis the season to count your blessings!

Friday December 6: Today I'm thankful for... snow! Ok, I think I might have mentioned I'm not a fan of winter. And if this type of weather continues I'm sure you will hear it over and over. Finding something new to be thankful for every day can become challenging. On days where you are stuck at home this can provide to be even more challenging. I've already thanked God for the people here and the house to keep me warm... So I'll thank God for the snow. The beauty of the snow is a great reminder of just how awesome our God is, how powerful He is. In a matter of hours he shut down a large portion of the United States with snow and ice. At a time when we all at least think, we should be out hustling and bustling He confined us to our homes. This snow storm started on the west coast and is headed to the east coast, affecting thousands, probably millions of people. Giving us no choice but to slow down. And for me, giving me more time to reflect on the importance of this holiday season. The reason we are celebrating. Enjoying the anticipation of the One who is coming, so for that I say; thank you Lord for the snow!

That should be our driveway...

Saturday December 7: Today I'm thankful for journaling. It is such a great way for me to better express what's going on in my head. I'm much better when I am able to write my thoughts on paper than expressing them verbally. Journaling can even be used as a tool to speak with God and that's just what I needed to do today. I'm sure it's probably from being couped up in the house since Thursday but my mind was starting to get cluttered. Thoughts, insecurities, questions and so much more were beginning to take over. Jesus already knows what I'm thinking so I have no problem taking these things to Him, just laying it out there. But I enjoy writing them down so in a month, or a year I can go back and see how Jesus might have responded to those thoughts. Tale a look at where I am now in relation to those thoughts. Thank you Lord for hearing me no matter how I come to you, whether I speak it out loud or write in on paper, you hear me, thank you.

Sunday December 8: Today I'm thankful for 4 wheel drive! I got to leave the house today! I loved being able to go to church this morning and praise the Lord! As well as hear a sermon I needed to hear. Maybe it's just that I'm more willing to listen to God right now, but it seems like He sure does have a lot to say to me, through lots of people and lots of scripture. Can I just share with you a couple of things from our sermon? Our sermon was from Matthew 7:1-6 was about judging others, about dealing with as a Christian being called judgmental. I struggle so much with this. From the very beginning before ever really starting the pastor mentioned that often our biggest struggle isn't deciding between what's good and bad, but what's good and best. Oh my. Do I ever. It's easy most days for me to choose to do what's good, it's that choosing to do what's best that is far more difficult. Doing what's good seems like enough some days. And sometimes what's best isn't easy or it even requires more work, or it causes tension with someone else. The pastor also talked about how we are of course to make judgment about things, that is the only way to make a decision. Something else he said that really struck me was that we are all entitled to our own opinions, we are not however entitled to our own truths. There is one truth, his name is Jesus. If our opinion, or anyone else's opinion counteracts the truth, it cannot also be truth... and it is not best. And of course judging should not be done to make you feel better about yourself or put others down. It should be done to help you make the best decision you can make. Pastor told us straight out we need to stop sitting around and pointing out all the darkness around us and be the ones to carry a light to it! All of this was so reassuring for me after the week I had last week, and I will hopefully hold on to this reassurance in the weeks to come. Thank you Lord for 4wheel drive!

..Monday December 9: Today I'm thankful for KiKi's coffee house. If you ever want to talk to me, invite me to coffee... at KiKi's, I'll agree, every time. Apparently God knows this as well. Apparently God sends other people to invite me to coffee so He can talk to to me, because this is definitely what happened today. My poor friend thought she was inviting me to coffee so that I could help her with a situation, what she didn't know was she was going to be helping me. I'm not sure I helped her at all other than being a listening ear, but she answered so many questions from that journal entry I talked about there a couple of nights ago, it was just unreal. That night that I journaled and God sent me to Psalm 134... check it out real quick if you want. I guess he didn't think I was taking Him seriously enough so He invited me to coffee today to confirm. So thank you for friends who listen when God tells them to speak to someone (even when they had no idea), and thank you for KiKi's coffee house to get me listening Lord.

Tuesday December 10: Today I am thankful for warm cozy socks. My feet are always freezing!

Wednesday December 11: Today I'm thankful for temperatures getting above freezing for a couple of hours so we could shovel some more ice off the drive! (OUCH!!) Praying I can work the rest of the week. Thank you Lord for the sunshine, temperature above 32, and the ability to push a shovel!

Thursday December 12:
Today I'm thankful for this place

Because this teacher is not salaried, haha. When I can't get here I can't get paid. Thank you Lord for the days I can get there!

Some days you just want to shout!

Some days you just want to shout... Today is one of those days!

Today I have to tell you, in case you didn't know, that Jesus is real. Jesus is alive. He has overcome the world, he overcame death. Jesus wins every time. No matter what situation you are facing...

Jesus wins.
Every.
Single.
Time.

I woke up yesterday feeling so much closer to Jesus than I had in awhile and it just, strangely, got better from there. I'm sure this started partly because of the holiday season upon us. But the day was so far from perfect. There was a lot of hurt happening yesterday. But guess what, Jesus is bigger than all the hurts.

In the midst of all of that, church seriously wrecked me, in a good way, yesterday! (Surely preparing me for all that was left to come throughout the day) A message about worry could not be more directed at me. To hear the Word, to hear Jesus so clear, that's good stuff. To be reminded that Jesus is my rock, my salvation, and that He values me, these words could not have come at a better time. To sing praises with people so excited to be in the house of the Lord, shouting praises. That's good stuff. Coming together as a congregation to pray for a husband/father and his family as he prepares to leave to do mission work in the Philippines. Unity. People truly living their life for the Lord, out of what's comfortable for themselves, for their family. That is Christianity. That's good stuff. That makes me love Jesus and want to be closer to Jesus that much more.

Laying down at the feet of Jesus situations that I didn't even know were holding me back. Literately feeling the added weight leave my body. Resting in the fact that I am not responsible for others actions. Clearing the air with old friends about situations I didn't even know I was holding on to.

I am free.

Today my mind is set on Jesus.

John 16:33
"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world."

Isn't that worth shouting about?

And I'm reminded of these lyrics... As long as I can breath, my heart will beat for You.

FOR YOU By Jj Heller

Nobody likes to fall

Nobody likes to lose at all

Nobody likes when bridges get burned 

Why does it always hurt to learn

Everyone has a dream

Everyone has a song to sing 

Everyone’s soul is broken in two

I know that mine was made for you

If I can talk

Then I will sing for you

If I can walk

Then I will dance for you 

As long as I can breathe My heart will beat for you

I’m ready to give it all

I’m ready to step outside these walls 

I’m ready to give up all that I’ve earned

If it means a new life in return

If I can talk

Then I will sing for you

If I can walk

Then I will dance for you 

As long as I can breathe 

My heart will beat for you

For you...

Hurting people hurt people. Loving people love people.

I don't do drama anymore, especially before coffee. Even more than drama I don't do being lied to.

About 5, maybe 6 years ago, I had more drama going on than anyone should have in a lifetime. It broke me into pieces. I never want to be there again. This was the moment God pulled me up and I began to allow Him to shape me into the person I am slowly becoming now. But I'm still stubborn, with Him and with others. And I am still very afraid of breaking again, but that's a blog for another day.

I don't think I will ever be in that type of drama again. One, because since God brought me out of it, I don't think He plans to return me to it. Two, because I am different, I react different, I value me different. Unfortunately not everyone grabs hold of the hand willing to pull them out of such a mess and they remain stuck there. Some only for a short time, some their entire lives. Some people leave particular situations only to place themselves right back in the same situation with another person. And not just romantic relationships either, people do this with friendships and work as well. I've come to believe that some people have been deceived into believing they just can't function without the drama. And those who have been brought out of this drama filled world or those who have never been a part of such deceit are often blind to it's existence around them.

What I also know is these people are hurting. These people are hurting so much inside they choose to hurt other people. They choose to bring others into their web of lies. Often they don't even realize they are doing it. They so believe the lies themselves it's reality to them. Or maybe they so want the lie to be the truth that they would rather believe it, and/or have the other person believe it.

Today I was confronted by a person who is hurting so deeply they felt the need to verbally attack me. I don't tell you this for sympathy. I tell you this because it reminded me of the hurting world right in front of me. I tell you this because I was reminded in such a big way today that we need to open our eyes to a world filled with people who don't know what it feels like to wrapped in the arms of Jesus. A world that doesn't know a life different than deception and lies. A world full of drama. 

I don't even really know this person who attacked me today. The only thing she really knew about me was that I was a Christian, so she chose to attack my faith. She attempted to drag me into the world of deceit she had been drug into. She called my faith fake, among other things. At that moment I could hear the hurt in her voice and I knew that satan was behind her attack. At that moment I knew that I needed to choose my words wisely because while in that moment I knew she wasn't really listening to me but these would be the only words she would ever actually hear from me and they needed to be real, they needed to be Truth. I knew that at that time her ultimate goal was to hurt me the only way she knew how, my faith.

Throughout the upcoming weeks lets look for hurting people to share Christ with. What better time than as we prepare our own hearts to celebrate His birth.When you are in the stores and run into Scrooge-ish type people, take a moment to at least pray for them. Search for those who are hurting physically, maybe they have hungry bellies, maybe they are cold because they can't afford to turn their heat on. Search for those who have lost loved ones this year, have financial burdens, or maybe a rocky relationship with their spouse, significant other, parents, or children. Pray for these people, but don't stop there. Show them what it means to be loved. Help them if you can; food, blankets, maybe a cup of coffee and a listening ear. Just look for those hurting around you and share the love of Jesus. Share a story about a little boy born in a manager who came to comfort them in their time of hurt. You would be offering them the greatest gift they could ever receive this Christmas.

Thanksgiving!

I will praise God's name in song and glorify Him with Thanksgiving. Psalm 69:30

I took the first five days of this week to thank God for my "family". Some of my "family" is human... some are not. All hold a special place in my heart and are in no particular order.

Friday November 22: Meet Flash, Bonnie, Clyde and Molly:

Photo courtesy of Megan

These are the four legged friends of our family. Each one of them came to us in their own special way. Molly was adopted through a local pet adoption agency, Flash came to stay when my sister got a new job that required a lot of traveling. Clyde lived in the wild but decided to call our house home. We originally caught him and released him in the country far away... but he returned 6 days later, so he's stayed. Clyde brought us Bonnie (aka Flower) as a small kitten this summer and she quickly warmed our hearts. Pets are such great companions and great teachers of unconditional love. Thank you Lord for pets... they are family too.

Saturday November 23: Meet Marcy, Andy, Mikayla, Miranda and Melaina:

My sister Marcy and her husband Andy have blessed me with three of the best nieces a girl could ask for. Mikayla is a natural athlete and so much fun to watch. Miranda is my little chickadee and the girly girl of the family. Her upbeat personality and contagious smile make it hard to believe the struggles she has faced and still faces for such a young girl. Melaina is the baby of the crew and at 3 years old is FULL of surprises! Thank you Lord for the Bundrens.

Sunday November 24: Meet my Mom and Dad:

Words cannot even begin to tell you how thankful for them and I could never repay them for all they have done for me. I am so very lucky to have two parents who love me unconditionally. So very lucky. Thank you Lord for my parents.

Monday November 25: Meet my other sister Megan:

She's on the left!

The above picture of all three of us sisters in NYC is just one example of Megan's generous heart and love for adventure (Go... See... Do ;) ). Megan is always there for me with a listening ear, encouraging words and the advice to go for it! I wouldn't trade either of my sisters! Thank you Lord for Megan.

Tuesday November 26: Meet Devin:


I could write an entire post on this kid. And maybe I will one day. Just know that he pretty much changed my life and I'm eternally thankful for him. While I'm extremely uneasy about the teenage years that are upon us, I'm strangely excited as well. It is so much fun to watch him grow into a young man. Ok, so occasionally the moments don't seem as much fun as they do stressful in the moment, but then you start looking back and realize just how fast it's going and how much you need to stop "sweating the small stuff"... And just how much of the stuff really is small stuff. Thank you Lord for the sweetest gift, my son.

Wednesday November 27: Today I'm thankful for grace. My family, teaches me so much about grace. I'm thankful they are willing to show me grace, quite possibly on a daily basis. I'm thankful that Jesus Christ radiates grace. Because I know I need it. I pray that every day as I become more and more like Him, that I show others the grace that I continually receive. Thank you Lord for Your grace.

Thursday November 28: Today I'm thankful for time. I'll be the first to admit that I waste way more time than I should. Time that should be spent loving other people. That's probably why the week of Thanksgiving is one of my favorite times of the year. During this week our family spends a lot of time together and I look forward to it every year. We have many special traditions that I enjoy, but most of all I just enjoy the time I get to spend with them. Another important reminder of just how precious time is will be the empty seat at our table today. Our time is not guaranteed, God has me here for a specific time and purpose, I pray I'm doing what He's asking me to do. Thank you Lord for the time you give me.

Enter His gates with Thanksgiving and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His name. Psalm 100:4

Giving Thanks

Friday November 15:

Tonight I'm thankful for another special group of ladies in my life. Sometimes it's just unreal when I think about how God has blessed me with such amazing Christian women everywhere in my life. The group varies each time but we range in age from 17-90. We find a reason to gather together once or twice a month. Many of us are traveling to Belize together this June! This Friday night we gathered to wrap and pack shoeboxes to be sent out into the world through Operation Christmas Child. We also put together some necklaces that help share the story of Christmas and salvation. These necklaces will be sent to Belize and also with Devin and some other youth returning to the Appalachian mountains in a few weeks. Thank you Lord! Thank you Lord for the "Odd Bunch".

Saturday November 16:

Today I'm thankful for my comfy bed. A little under the weather and I'm so blessed to be able to have a place to lay my head and have a lazy day to recoup. Thank you Lord for my comfy bed.

Sunday November 17:
Thankful that the Lord spared us from any of the dozens of tornadoes that hit the state of Illinois today. Seeing the pictures and the videos of all the devastation is so incredibly heartbreaking. Knowing that one of the tornadoes hit just minutes away from your home kind of snaps you back in to reality no matter what you have going on. To see so many people seeking ways to reach out to those who lost so much reminds me how good people can be. If you would like to help please check out the Illinois Baptist Disaster Relief here: IBSA Disaster Relief
Thank you Lord for sparing my home.

Monday November 18:
This Monday is a Monday. I'm I realize I'm thankful for bad days. I woke up late this morning... again. Once you get up late nothing else seems to fall into place, probably because there aren't enough minutes for your routine to fall into anymore. As I drove out of the driveway today, already frustrated I began to thank God for everything I could think of that had already happened this morning. Immediately my mood began to change. Genuinely thanking Him for being alive, for waking me at all, for breakfast to fix, for water for showers, for kids to wake up, for dogs that need to go out, for a job to go to, a car to drive... you get the idea. Thanking Him for all the things that were frustrating me as they took too much time suddenly didn't seem so bad. Thank you Lord for the bad days.

Tuesday November 19:
Today I'm thankful for space heaters! I am always freezing  and my room is the coldest room in the house. This winter thing is for the birds... Thank you Lord for heat!

Wednesday November 20:
Today I'm thankful for my job and my students this year, they have taught me so much (as they always do). This year especially, it just seems right, that I am right where I am suppose to be right now. So much that I'm not even trying to job hunt. I'm just enjoying what God has given me in this moment, and all the things I get to do with my "extra" time (laundry, grocery shop, clean, etc). This season will be over soon enough and I will be back to working full time and I will miss when I had enough hours in the day to at least stay semi caught up. This week we are discussing some topics that always turn a little more personal than others. I am so thankful that the girls feel like they can be so transparent with me. I try to remember to pray every morning that one thing I say would be something they needed to hear that day. I pray that I'm someone they know they can depend on and that cares what happens to them. I may teach child care to them, but more than anything it's the life lessons I hope they take away from the class. Hearing their stories and circumstances can be absolutely heartbreaking... and they honestly don't know any different, it's just normal to them. And what's even worse is they will tell you in a heartbeat that there are very few people in their life who care about seeing them make something of themselves. Please pray for our young people. And thank you Lord for giving me the opportunity to work with them!

Teamwork :)

Thursday November 21:
Today I'm thankful for Pandora. There is nothing like being able to sing to Jesus, or sing about Jesus absolutely anywhere you are, including work. And that's just what I do everyday after my students leave. I get so much more accomplished listening to music. So as soon as they hit the bus Miss Hazel's room starts rocking out... Ok, maybe not quite that extreme. But I do Thank you Lord for Pandora and artists who use their gifts to reach others through song!

(Fighter by Jamie Grace)

Here's the skinny...

It has recently been brought to my attention that I may have lied to you... and myself. Of course this was never intentional. I wanted to believe what I was saying, but I think it's time to accept it just wasn't really the case.

I'm speaking about my weight loss intentions. I truly thought that I meant it when I said my weight loss goals were all about getting healthy. I tried to believe appearance wasn't as much a part of it as taking care of my body. Well guess what, the more I've thought about it that's just not true at all. The truth is I want to wear smaller clothes and have more confidence. What inspires me is looking at before and after pictures, not hearing about how healthy someone ate. (Don't get me wrong I know that getting healthy is way more important, but it's just not what gets me excited about doing the hard work).  The truth is I know that no matter what people say you are judged on your outward appearance. No one judges the 130 pound female about what she eats and worries about if she is exercising or taking care of her body. Everyone assumes she's healthy. But add another 25, 50, 100 pounds to that girl and people start to care, and not always in a positive way. And reality is that girl may be working out and eating better than the 130# girl. I'm not blaming anyone here, we all do it, myself included. We all make judgement based on appearances. So I've finally accepted that in reality my main motivating factor is to be accepted based on first appearances.

I'm still talking about all of this in relation to serving God in ways I think He's called me. I'm not talking about romantic possibilities here, just general first impressions. I know that probably 99% of people I meet aren't judging, at least not long term based on my appearance. But they still form an opinion based strictly on what they see, it's just natural. I want to appear able to perform any task given to me. And I want to have the ability and the confidence that I can do any task given to me. 

I'm considering the possibility that it's just too much to try to do all at once. Maybe I have too many goals and try to accomplish them all at one time. I know how to lose weight, I know what it means to eat healthy, I know what types of exercise I love. If only it were just that easy. I think it's time I accept the challenge of tackling the mental part of weight loss. And I'm pretty convinced right now that rather than worrying about  how fast or how slow I lose the weight, whether I use weight loss aides or not shouldn't even be the focus right now. Just start losing weight. Of course in a healthy way, but I don't think there was ever a risk of me starving myself to get there. I wouldn't be here if I was capable of that. ;)  But there is no way I can try to change everything all at one time and be successful, I, personally, just don't work that way. I think once the pounds start coming off the more I'll desire doing more to continue to get results. The more it will become important to make healthier food choices. The more it will become important to find ways to tone. These things will just become natural next steps. Rather than completely overhauling my eating right now, at the holidays and then feeling like I'm failing when I don't stick to it, I'm just going to work on eating less. Eating less and praying more. I definitely do better when I get help from the best diet aid there is... Jesus.

Let the journey continue...

Finding reasons to be thankful

I have found that intentionally looking for reasons to be thankful really changes how you see things... This might just become more than a month of thankful posts.

Friday November 8: I am thankful to have a place to sleep tonight and that my family and friends are all safe. My heart breaks for all of those who do not have either tonight. Whether it be from such tragedies as the super typhoon that hit the Philippines today or an accident that may have changed a families life forever. Thank you Lord.

Saturday November 9: Today I'm thankful for soccer. Devin has been playing soccer for 10 years now and he just loves it. Soccer is a way for him to stay active, meet new people, be a leader, gain confidence and simply have fun. While it can be time consuming, he truly loves it and I honestly believes it has helped shape him into the person he is today. I pray he continues to seek out things he loves to do in life and find ways to use those to glorify God. Thank you Lord.

  

Sunday November 10: Thankful for prayer. Pastor Tony's sermon's on prayer these past two weeks have been so timely. Teaching us about how to pray and what to pray, reminding us of the importance of prayer as well as why we pray. I think I'm often too quick to offer up prayer when I'm in need and not to offer Thanksgiving or just to let Him know I know He's awesome. Pastor Tony reminded us that prayer is not for us, but for God. God knows what we need, He needs to know we understand that we need Him to give us what we need. That He is our Savior. So as I attempt to navigate days or hours on my own sometimes because I think things are going smoothly, I need to remember to make time to speak to God. To pursue God's will, not my own, to accept that He will provide us with everything we need, if I only ask.  I need to ask for forgiveness as well as forgive others whom I think have wronged me. And ALWAYS let God reign. Thank you Lord.

P.S. I'm also thankful that a 7:30 bedtime is ok once in awhile :)

Monday November 11: Today I am especially thankful for friends who are not only willing to give up a couple of nights a month to hang out with me but to also study God's word with me. I look forward to every opportunity I get to spend time with these women. I am thankful that we have the freedom to gather any day we choose and discuss whatever book of the Bible we have decided to study over the past week or two. I am thankful that I have the freedom to own a Bible and pray I never lose the desire to get to know God through it. (Titus and Philemon this week) Thank you Lord.

Tuesday November 12: Today I'm thankful for basketball, for coach Mike, Danny, and Roger. Basketball is so much more than a sport to pass the time and have fun. I'm thankful that these men are willing to give up so much of their time for our children. Devin loves basketball and would play it year round if he could. It is a great motivator to him to stay in shape and to get better grades. Basketball helps teach him respect, teamwork, payoff that comes from hard work and so much more. It gives him an opportunity to be really good at something when he struggles in other areas. Thank you Lord.

Wednesday November 13: Our very patient, kind, generous, always smiling secretary at work. I really do love all the ladies I work with but today I am especially thankful for Vanessa. The poor copy machine at work is on it's very last leg. Yesterday as I made copies it began to misfeed paper, as it does quite often, Vanessa gets up and helps me find where it is jammed and starts using all the secrets she knows to get it working again, as she always does. (This has been an ongoing issue for quite some time, I always feel bad when I have to make copies). This morning I realized I would need to make copies again, I tried to get in there early to get them done before she got there. The machine turned on with an error. I fixed it and started my copies. Shortly after Vanessa arrived and the machine was jamming after every other copy came out. I only needed a few but it wasn't working out. Vanessa put her things away and immediately came to my aid. I felt horrible starting her day that way, but she didn't seem to mind one bit.
Fyi: I ended up in a different office finishing my copies :) Thank you Lord for Vanessa.

Thursday November 14: My new tennis shoes! Ok so this may not be exactly what I should put here, but really I am so thankful to have found them. I have some serious foot problems, as well as sciatic trouble. I have really high arches, and a ganglion cyst that causes a lot of pain when wearing tennis shoes. Then add to my other foot that still hasn't healed from falling back in August and shoe shopping is just no fun, at least not for tennis shoes. I try them on in the store and they feel fine. Take them out to actually walk or exercise and I find myself in excruciating  pain the first time. Then it happened, I randomly commented on liking someone's shoes last week and she began to tell me how great they were. I thought they sounded perfect for me as well and might just be the shoe that would work for me. I set out to find them later that week. I found them, tried them on and hated them. But it lead me to try some other shoes very similar and they worked great! I have been wearing them often for over a week now and no pain at all, at least not caused from the shoes. I've worn them to soccer games where I stood through 5 games last weekend and worked in the concession stand twice this week and they helped sooooo much! Good shoes are so important, I only wish I could make them cute enough to wear to work ;) Thank you Lord!

A week of Thanksgiving

Friday November 1:  I am thankful for quiet. Given my current living situation, absolute quiet at home is rare. I get quiet time on the way to or from work any morning if I just turn the stereo off. I get quiet at work when the students aren't there. I get somewhat quiet throughout the day, but to just sit at home in quiet, because no one is here, not because they are just all sleeping, basically never happens. So when I found out that tonight I would get this opportunity, to say I was overjoyed would be an understatement. My original plan was to attend my nieces basketball game, but last minute I realized schedules didn't work out to get there in time. I needed this quiet, peaceful night. Thank you Lord.

Saturday November 2: I am thankful for our youth pastor's (and his wife's!) commitment to families. I'm thankful he chooses to give up every Saturday night to go over what he is going over with the youth. Thankful he invites us into his home and allows us time to fellowship and talk with one another. I'm thankful for all those that come together on Saturday nights and offer encouragement and prayer for one another as we are all in this parenting thing together. Raising kids is hard. Raising kids to love Jesus, to have morals, to hopefully choose right from wrong in this day, I believe, is even harder. It's so nice to know I'm not alone. Thank you Lord.

Sunrise service

Pictures taken at a recent weekend camping trip with youth, children and their families

Sunday November 3: Freedom to worship the Lord. We live in a time and place that without a doubt in my mind worship for Jesus is taken for granted. We are free to worship Jesus wherever we please. And as for corporate worship there is almost a church on every corner to choose from. We can walk in any given Sunday morning and without much thought to what or why we are doing it, worship our Lord and Savior. Worship should be a BIG deal. While I'm so very thankful that we are free to worship without really fear, I pray we don't forget the greatness of the God we are worshiping. Let's not forget just how worthy He is of our worship. Thank you Lord.

Monday November 4: I am thankful for friends who have loved me for the past, well almost 20 years. They have known me longer than they haven't known me and they still love me. Amy and Mindy you made high school one of the funnest times of my entire life. I would gladly do it all over again. You are two of the most caring individuals I know. You are both excellent mothers and I am forever grateful that I get to call you both friends. So glad we still get to spend some time together once in awhile, even if it's now cheering from the stands instead of driving to Cape ;) Thank you Lord.

Tuesday November 5: I'm thankful for the culinary program at work. I'm thankful that these students decided to fix us breakfast this morning... homemade cinnamon rolls and coffee. I'm also thankful it turned out so tasty ;) 

Wednesday November 6: I am thankful for 8th grade Algebra. I am thankful for the three hours I got to spend with Devin tonight doing 8th grade Algebra. While truth be told I'm not actually a fan of the math I'm more than ok with it forcing Devin and I to spend time together. Thank you Lord.

Thursday November 7: Today I'm thankful for the CD player in my car. I love being able to put some worship music in and singing as loud as I want and no one having to plug their ears. I know the sound of singing praises is pleasing to the Lord, but when coming from my mouth, I'm pretty sure He's the only one pleased when they are sung at a volume over whisper. Thank you Lord.

Currently worshiping to!

Speechless

Sometimes I just have nothing to say. I've tried to force a couple of posts over the last couple of weeks but none of them really made any sense, let alone had a purpose. (Although randomly blogging doesn't always have a purpose now does it?). As I begin this post I'm not sure it will make sense or have a purpose either but here we go anyway.

The last couple of weeks my motivation has been all but non-existent. I haven't seriously watched what I eat. I haven't worked out. I haven't, if I'm honest, been that into work. I haven't cared about if things get done. (Of course until moments before they need to be done, then I hurriedly try to get them done.) I haven't even wanted to cook and I love to cook. I'm sure this all had nothing to do with the overlapping soccer and basketball schedules. We had 8 games and 2 practices last week alone. I needed a couple of weeks to reset my mind. And to learn it's OK to need that. My mind had been constantly battling so many recent changes I just needed to not make any decisions for a moment.

That being said the one thing that has been renewed or reignited is my desire to seek Jesus. To seek Him because I love Him, because once again He has proved faithful, true, loving, full of grace and so much more. To seek Him, not for an answer, but to seek Him because I need Him, because He is my Savior. I've missed this and it's no one's fault but my own. Spending months avoiding acting on His instructions for me, truthfully meant months of avoiding Him period. Don't misunderstand me, I read required Bible readings each day and I prayed and talked to Him the entire time. I just didn't sit still long enough to listen. And if I thought I heard anything I tried to ignore it. Want to know what I'm learning (again!), obedience is freeing and now that there is nothing to avoid I feel closer to Him than I have felt in a very long time. Maybe that's secretly why I"m avoiding all other responsibility- I want to spend all my time with Him? This really is at least partially true, I've so missed him, I'm making up for lost time. Jesus is healing my broken heart (Isaiah 61:1-4).

Back when I was helping take care of grandpa I would spend several days a week on one book of the Bible, it really helped me understand His words to us and allowed me to grow so much closer to Him. So I've gathered a handful of women to journey with me and do something very similar. I've felt a need for this type of spiritually accountability in my life for a long time. I've talked about with these ladies for a long time, only now have I stepped up and asked some ladies to step in and journey with me. We spent the last two weeks reading through Ephesians. I've read it before, but reading it everyday for two weeks (OK, most every day) really, really helps. I found so many reminders I need to hear tucked in this book. How He lavishes His grace on me (Eph 1:7-8). That I'm saved by faith, never through anything I do, salvation is a gift (Eph 2:8-10). That God is able. Able to accomplish anything. All of the big things as well as the every day things I let myself worry about (Eph 3:20-21).That He has called me as a Christian to be unified with other Christians, to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which I have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love (Eph 4:1-3). That I need to imitate God, walk in love (Eph 5:1-2). To not be a part of fruitless deeds (Eph 5:8-13).

But most importantly to me was chapter 6. This chapter reminded me of the importance of why I need to be really studying God's word. The Bible is how God speaks to us. If I'm not reading the Bible to truly understand the words, not to just say I read it, then how can I know what God wants from me. As I go through this transition time in my life how can I know if churches I'm in are preaching the gospel if I don't know the gospel. Believing what everyone else teaches me without reading it myself might one day lead me to be tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine (Eph 4:14). I need to boldly wear my breastplate of righteousness, make sure my feet are fitted with the readiness that come with the gospel of peace. I need to boldly take up my shield of faith, helmet of salvation and sword of the Spirit (Eph 6:14-17).

So while I've been seemingly speechless in bloggerland. I've been far from speechless where it counts. And I pray I may never be speechless when it comes to sharing the name of Jesus, for sometimes I lose sight of this. The devil convinces me I'm making to big of a deal and I need to just pipe down. When the reality is Jesus is a big deal... He's the only deal and my life should reflect just that.

My prayer these days, not surprisingly, comes from Ephesians as well (6:18-20). I pray that as an ambassador of Christ, that as I am in very different chains than Paul was, I would always be alert and praying for all the Lord's people. That whenever I speak words may be given to me so that I will fearlessly speak the name of Jesus, just as I should.

P.S. If you aren't currently reading and studying your Bible, I challenge you to the book of James for the next two weeks.

For everything there is a season

I began preparing this post on Wednesday this week, knowing it wouldn't get posted for several days. I've been stewing on the content of this blog for weeks. I knew it was coming, but only recently did God begin to show me the urgency of taking care of what He has instructed me to do. I know what God has been telling me to do for a couple of months now, I know good will come from this. It's just, I've said so many goodbyes already this year, I don't feel like my heart can bear anymore.

Last Saturday a few of us ladies watched the Beth Moore simulcast together, I can't speak for all of us there but I know that message was for my ears to hear. That message was sent for such a time as this. Our scripture for the day was Romans 6:14 and the message was titled "No Longer".

"For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace." Romans 6:14

Beth coined a special term for the day spiritual neurosis and I learned I suffer from this. I get stuck. Stuck and selfish. Stuck trying to figure out the right option. Stuck asking God what his will is for my life and then not following through (at least not in a timely fashion). Stuck trying so hard to make sure the decision I make isn't all about me and what I want, and then somehow managing to turn it around and actually making the decision making process all about me.

I am spiritually neurotic, at least per Beth's definition.

I long for freedom. I long for living my entire life in the will of God. I long for living under grace, not the laws I have put on myself. Beth spoke to us about how the word disappointed is not used in the Bible to ever describe God. Disappointment does not come from God. Another term I also often fear God will use in relation to me is displeased, however in the Bible this is used in the context of us lacking faith. How does our faith shine through to God and to others, through our obedience! So all of my fears of making the wrong decision and being a disappointment to God are irrelevant. It only displeases Him when I don't do what He is asking me to do. When I try to make my own timeline or just ignore Him completely. When I say to Him through words or actions that I don't trust Him, that I don't have faith in Him.

Let me back up a little further...

Over three years ago God put the desire in my heart to start a women's ministry at my church. Over that summer I began to pray and seek God about how to make this a reality. If you know me, you know starting something like this is so far out of the box for me only God could have done this. That first Sunday in September came and the room was filled. God handpicked a group of women to come together and we have continued to grow so much spiritually. (Much of this thanks goes to our Pastor at that time, Thank you again if you happen to read this!) Words cannot begin to express how thankful I am for each and every woman God placed in that room that Sunday and every Sunday thereafter. And it wasn't just the women in the Sunday school class, others who were busy teaching other Sunday school classes joined us for girl's nights and many other events. How encouraging it is to see such spiritual growth happening in all of us. God was (and is!) there. He's real and He is really working in every one of us.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen. 

Ephesians 3:20-21

I've laughed and cried with these women. I've worked side by side with these women in community mission projects that they made happen. We've helped each other and prayed with each other through illnesses, surgeries, new babies, family trials, loss of loved ones, moving, new ministries and sooo much more. I can say without a doubt I would not be where I am today if God had not chosen these ladies for me to do life with.

Throughout all of this our church has also undergone many changes. Many of these changes have led me to ask God "what's next?". I've steadily been asking this question for over a year now. For the longest time He said "wait", not no, but wait. Then as more and more changes came I no longer heard wait anymore.

"Seek the Lord and His strength; Seek His face continually."

1Chronicles 16:11

A couple of months ago He began to impress on me some things that were to come next. He put some fresh new desires in my heart. I was excited and initially I tried to figure out how to be SuperMandy and incorporate all of the old with the new. I began to realize it wasn't possible. To do the new He made me keenly aware that I must let go of the old.

For several weeks I wrestled with this. Trying to convince God when the best time was. What loose ends needed tied up first, what arrangements that needed to be made. This feeling of yuck continually remained, my wheels were just spinning, I was getting nowhere. I knew something had to give, what I didn't know was, that something was going to have to be me.

"My flesh and my heart may fail. But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever"

Psalm 73:26

It began to become frighteningly clear God was calling me in a new direction. This direction will remove me from my weekly meeting time with this special group of women I love and care about very much. This direction will lead me to get out of this place I have settled into and become so comfortable with. New and unknown territory terrify me and it appears to be where I'm headed. While I know some of the new desires He's placed in my heart I have no clue as to where, when or how He plans to put them in motion.

"Seek the Lord and His strength; Seek His face continually"

Psalm 105:4

While I know this makes it sound like I'm not excited about God working, it's actually the opposite, this excites me just as much as it terrifies me and ok, saddens me. I'm not dragging my feet about God's calling, I've been dragging my feet about the goodbyes, about leaving the familiar. But you know what God showed me? Not only should I be excited about what God has in store for me, but there are changes coming for the group of women I grew so close with as well. Exciting changes. As would happen if any of us were to leave, roles are going to get switched up. Others are being called to continue to step out of their comfort zones as well.  We were each called to this particular group for a season. Some seasons are short, some may be much longer. Whether we are there together or out fulfilling other callings, I pray this is only the beginning of a lifetime of discipling others for each of us. Some will remain in this setting, bringing other women in and watching them grow. Some will scatter over time and begin to disciple others in different ways. Roles will change, faces will change, location may change for some but we are all still in this together! 

"I love You, O Lord, my strength"

Psalm 18:1

This is only the beginning and that is very exciting.

So while I may no longer see their faces regularly, hear their  prayers, hear the encouragement, I know we are still all on the same team, desiring to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ, however and wherever He sends us to do that. You will ALL still be in my prayers and I hope I will remain in yours, I hope that God has blessed  you during our time together because I know being given the opportunity to get to know you, each and every one of you, He has blessed me more than you may ever know. I hope we can continue to get together on occasion and share what great works He is doing in all of our lives!

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power" 

Ephesians 6:10