Weightloss, the scale and freedom?

As I prayed and fasted at the end of last year I felt confident in the plans I made for this year. I talked with God about both ministry plans and personal plans. Lately I feel, personally, I’m being pulled in a different direction.

At first I almost felt guilty, like I had made the wrong choices. That I had manipulated what God was telling me to do to fit my needs. But when I look back, the choices I made weren’t my original choices that I brought to the Lord, they are the choices I felt he was leading me to.

Let me backup and tell you how I got here.

About two, maybe three weeks ago, I hit a bump in the road. I could not get over the bump. The bump was food, more and more of it and little to no motivation to move. I know it was all connected. Not eating the right things usually makes me blah and want to spend time on the couch instead of getting in the workouts that I know make me feel better.

It took me several days to take my struggle to the Lord. I think I kept thinking I would wake up and feel different the next day, but it never came. I felt like I was, I don’t know, maybe disappointing him by not doing the things I felt he was calling me to. Shamed.

That’s not how he works. We need to, I need to, take my struggles immediately to him.

As soon as I did. The struggle diminished. I didn’t immediately start making better choices, but the guilt and shame disappeared. And in that I started wanting to make better choices.

I’ve spent nearly a week, or more, talking to the Lord about my next step. For some this may seem silly, I mean I’m spending a lot of time with the Lord talking to him about what I should eat, should I count calories, track macros, and on and on.

I said loud and clear at the beginning of the year that I felt led to track my calories. That weight loss was my goal. Honestly, I’m still not sure if that was me or the Lord. Maybe he led me there to get here. More than likely, he let me go there so I could get here. And who knows if things won’t change again in a couple of months. But here is where I’ve landed for now. 

I want freedom. Ultimately, that’s what I’ve always wanted. I know God can give me freedom. I’m unsure what that looks like. I mentioned earlier in the year that freedom can still have boundaries. Boundaries are healthy. I still firmly believe that and that is why I struggle with what I’m about to say. I struggle because I’ve done this before and used it as an excuse to do whatever I wanted… hence my need for boundaries, such as tracking.

But I feel God calling me to ditch the scale and the tracking apps.

This is not a prescription that everyone might be called to. We are all at different points in our journey. I believe that there are times, especially early, when I NEEDED tracking and the scale.

If I’m honest, I still want both right now. I think they keep me more honest.

But, I also think the restricting, while it was well within a healthy range, led to my overeating as well.

I fear failing and ending up heavier than I am right now. I want the scale to decrease.

God is reminding me, and I'm pushing back, that the goal has never been about weight loss. It’s about being healthy. Healthy isn’t a number on a scale, even though I’m convinced my knees and back would disagree. He’s reminding me that there are people that need to see that healthy isn’t one size fits all. Which leaves me frustrated and asking him if that means I get to eat all the healthy things, do the workouts and have this same body?

To which he replies, so what if you do?

And that’s where we are right now.

A struggle between what I want and what the Lord knows I need.

We are still tugging the rope.

I’m praying that I can get on his side of the pull.

I’m going to give it a try, but I want a better attitude about it.

I truly, honestly, never thought my motivation was physical appearance, but he’s revealing to me that it just might be. He’s revealing that I need to let that go. That being healthy should be enough. That eating healthy whole foods is a gift in itself. That having the ability to workout is the reward. Not that I will only do it if there is a physical reward of a lower number on the scale or smaller jean size.

He’s showing me that boundaries can look other ways too.

Boundaries could be paper tracking, just simply writing food down so you can see where hunger is different, where foods might not agree with you, etc.

Boundaries could be eating whole healthy foods that fuel you and saying no to processed foods, at least most of the time.

Boundaries could be simply making sure you move 30 minutes a day, getting steps in.

I may have further to go on this journey than I thought. 

I’m thankful for an open heart to God who can hear these quiet whispers, even when they're not the words I want to hear.