The God Who Sees Me

 El Roi

My favorite name of God.

El Roi, the God who sees me.

In Genesis 16 Sarai is dealing, not well, with her inability to have children with Abram. Sarai offers her servant, Hagar to bare Abram a child. However in doing this, it only leaves Sarai feeling angry, in which then she treats Hagar horribly, causing Hagar to leave. Hagar was a servant and had only done what she had been instructed to do, but anger and jealousy had caused her much strife. Upon leaving an angel spoke to Hagar telling her to return to Sarai and Abram. The angel of the Lord told her he would multiply her offspring and that she was currently pregnant with a son that she should name, Ishmael. In this moment Hagar felt seen, no longer alone. She called God, the One who sees me.

I too have felt unseen in my life. Believe it or not, especially if you only know me and my online presence, I kind of prefer it that way, behind the scenes, but I also feel God gave me this story to tell.

Previously, I spent years of my life making sure that I was intentionally overlooked. I don't think I did this knowingly, but years removed from that life, I can see now that was exactly what I was doing. Sounds ridiculous, I know.

I had a bad picker if you will, and surrounded myself with the wrong people, got into wrong relationships. After a particularly bad choice and a wrong done against me, I decided to just take myself out of the equation by making myself undesirable. I gained weight to become invisible. I didn't want to be in that place ever again, and I thought this was the solution.

I knew God then, but there was so much shame in where I was in life, I didn't turn to him. I didn't understand I should, could turn to him. Even still, El Roi. God still saw me. He still loved me. He waited for me to ditch the shame and come back to him.

Once I realized this, I've cared far less about who else sees me. Nothing I do is for anyone else, or should be for anyone else. Losing weight, getting healthy, eating right, working out, my job, relationships, and on and on, it's all about bringing honor to Christ. It's never been about me, it's always been about him. And I can use all the life hurts to remind others that God sees them too!

Before I hit post, I realized, it is also worth noting that, I haven't just been Hagar in this story. I've been Sarai too. Like Sarai (Sarah), I too have felt I was past the age of being usable in the ways I thought God wants to use me.  I too have tried to run ahead of God and do things my way, on my schedule, in my time and angry when it didn't work out.  I'm reminded that His timing is always best. I'm hoping he doesn't wait until I'm 99, but I'm excited to see how this new adventure unfolds!

Find Your FREEDOM!

I should have started this blog back at the beginning of my training. SO MANY good nuggets I could have written about more extensively than in a social media post.

But I'll start here from my week 7 class last week. Only 1 class to go after tonight! Then retreat!

In our Bible study we have been going through the book of Nehemiah. We were in chapters 9 and 10 last week. We talked a lot about repentance. True repentance.

Repentance defined is: the action of repenting; sincere regret or remorse.

Repentance is not the words, I'm sorry. True repentance is sincere. It's changed behavior. It's turning away from the sin that holds us back. 

Repentance changes lives. It can change your life. Secrets keep us sick.

"We must remind ourselves that if we do not let our repentance lead us towards praise, we will stay sick. If all our repentance does is tell us how bad we are and does not lead us to how good God is, we will stay lame. If all our misfortunes and bad choices in life do not lead us towards a heart of praise, we will never be free." - From our Revelation Wellness Bible Study

Repentance does bring FREEDOM!

I can tell you personally the freedom I'm experiencing right now in so many areas is a direct result of finally letting go. It's from repenting and and handing over things I'd been gripping so tightly for far too long.

I had to release my relationship with my now husband. Not that our relationship was bad, not at all, but we wanted to do things our way, not the way we needed to be doing things. I've had to release my behaviors around disordered eating. I kept begging God to just help me with my weight and ignoring all the tools he has given me to help myself. I didn't turn to him when I was struggling. I even had to release my disobedience of not doing even the simplest things God was calling me to. 

These are all definitely works in progress. But my mind sees them different. Previously, I just didn't take these things to God, I held them tight trying to "fix" them myself. 

My life has changed so drastically in the lasts several months due to this release. Not just an I'm sorry God, not I really wish I could do better, not I'll work on that soon, but real heart and behavior change.

I've had to have a sit down with myself about even having a desire to have God call out such things, to show me the things I still need to release, because I can guarantee you that I'm still gripping lots of things. Some I may recognize, some he may not have shown me yet. I need the willingness to hand them over when he does show me, because delayed obedience is still disobedience. 

There is zero shame in saying I was wrong, I want to and I and I will do better! Sometimes we don't know until we know. But once we know it's time to let go.

What is not repenting holding you back from? 

What are you refusing to release?

What do you have your fingers grasping tightly? And, why?

Take a few minutes and think about the things you know you are holding back from a better relationship with God. Take them to him and release them to him today. Find your FREEDOM and then PRAISE the Lord.

“Stand up and praise the LORD your God, for he lives from everlasting to everlasting!” Then they prayed: “May your glorious name be praised! May it be exalted above all blessing and praise! Nehemiah 9:5

Welcome to Coffee Talk!

I decided it was time to bring back an old friend, my blog. I actually started another blog at one point, but we are coming back to the OG. I'm hoping to publish weekly blog posts on all sorts of topics that I feel would be good conversation if we were hanging out over a cup of coffee.

For my first post in a few years 😉 I thought I'd do a little reintroduction. Some of you have been with me since day 1, over 10 years ago. And some of you are brand new. So, buckle up and let's get (re)acquainted. 

We are going to back it way up to bring it to today and why I am just SO incredibly grateful for God's saving grace and for new beginnings.

I had my son at the age of 20. I have a super supportive family, but as for parenting, it was just us. I tried to be the best momma I could be, but I struggled. My son is now 24 and I'm so thankful that he is such a wonderful young man. And I hope he learned some from my struggle.

My son was always loved and provided for, but I did not always love and care for myself and this did sometimes spill over to him. For probably the first 10 years of his life, my lifestyle was more than just unhealthy. I had walked away from attending church, I partied, had bad relationships and just barely got by financially. Not to mention, I also didn't eat right or workout, I've struggled with weight my entire life.

Around 2011-2012 I hit my rock bottom. Still a single mom, I was working two jobs, and going to school full time, while trying to do all the mom things. I crashed. I lost all of the things, my jobs (grant funded position that went away), my home, and relationships.

It was around 2013 when a light went off in me. I had been back in church for a year or so, I had been seeking Jesus regularly as a result of that rock bottom and I was helping care for my grandpa. Being one of his caregivers also allowed me even more time to spend with Jesus, but I was still not caring for my body.

In June of 2013, I had reached almost 300 pounds on the scale, I'm only 5'2'', I decided that was enough. It was time to make a change. I sought Christ to help me start making healthier changes for myself. He had rescued me from so much already, I knew he was the only way here too. The book "Made to Crave" was instrumental in my change at this time.

Over the next four years I lost approximately 130 pounds. I shared my wellness journey from June of 2013 until present time on social media as a way to hold myself accountable and to share my testimony of what God was doing with me. During this time, I, with a couple of friends, led fitness classes at our church. I was a Beachbody coach and coached many women.  I could share SO much about this time and how the Lord continually rescued me and also used me, but this is so long already, I really want to get to the now.

In 2017 things began to change again. Over the next five years, change was my middle name. I have switched careers three times. I got into a relationship and got married, he's the best. My son graduated high school and moved out. I have moved three times, including buying a home, something I never thought I would be able to do again. There was a pandemic, where I was deemed essential, working as a substance use counselor in a men's residential treatment facility. (Side note: I led weekly fitness classes here too, the guys had a love/hate relationship with me on Monday's, haha).

But, all of that change distracted me though from what I know and believe God has called me to do, and from God himself. I know I'm supposed to use this journey to share about HIM. I have gained back 50 (ish) pounds, I left Beachbody and that community, I have found myself struggling with my place. I miss having a community of women to do life, including workouts, together with.

Then there was Revelation Wellness! I found Revelation Wellness several years ago in the middle of my chaos. I knew I wasn't in the right place spiritually to lead at that time so I never completed the application. After getting married recently and settling more into my job and life in general, I knew the timing was right, finally, and I applied to platoon 31. We are just two weeks from completing training and about three weeks from our final retreat!

I couldn't really afford the training but I trusted that if this was God's plan, he would make a way. I got a scholarship that covered part of the cost. Then I worked on a fundraiser to help with the rest and boy did God show up in that! As a certified health coach already, I had previously done some walking challenges. Participants paid a fee, set a goal of steps for the month and became part of my group where I shared a devotional every day and updated step totals each week. I wanted to do a play on this with workouts, as I would start offering workouts soon after completing training.

I invited people to participate in my daily workouts. They paid a fee to join my group and get access to the workouts I was doing each day for the month. Five workouts a week, a mixture of cardio and strength. Some workouts are as simple as going for a walk, I have handwritten some workouts with demo videos and sharing some workouts are through Rev Well TV (check it out!).

This went over so well in September, I offered to do it again in October. And guess what, I earned almost exactly what I had left to pay that the scholarship didn't cover! God is so good. And while the monetary benefit was a great relief. Having women not just show up, but say that this group has been life changing was even MORE of the confirmation I needed to know that this is where I am supposed to be, doing what I am supposed to be doing.

Don't get me wrong, the devil is trying to use all the lies to talk me out of it, especially given my weight gain. He's trying to tell me I missed the boat. That I'm too out of shape now. I'm past my prime. But I know that God can make all things good. I know, through this training and as we study Nehemiah, that God rebuilds! I know that even if I start with two women in 2024, God can bring freedom to those two women, and those two women can share so God can bring freedom to two more and on and on. I believe God brought me to Revelation Wellness for such a time as this. I can't wait to see where he is moving here! And I can't wait for YOU to join me where he is moving!