Be Still

I used to love writing and I loved having something worth saying. I don't doubt I still have plenty worth saying, I just find it harder in this season of my life to sit still and listen for the right words to say. That and take the time to write the words down.

Over this long weekend I decided to do just that. Take some time and just be still.

A couple of things have happened over the last year and a half that have impacted my desire to be still. First, did you know that doing nothing together, with someone else, could actually be very relaxing, peaceful, comforting and enjoyable? 😉 Don't get me wrong, I'm all for going out, doing things, and enjoying living life too, but when you can just stop and enjoy the quiet moments too, I'd say that's the best.

I have to admit that while that as true as that is, it's definitely not the real reason I don't have time to be still. Truth is I have plenty of time all to myself. The whole truth is that I choose not to slow down and be still. Over the past year and a half my home has become much quieter. I haven't quite learned yet that silence can be golden.

Since I am still not used to the silence, I tend to fill all of the days with all of the things.

T.V.
Radio
Laundry
Cleaning
Social Media
Shopping
Reading (however, this too is quiet and pushing the envelope)
Going to visit my parents and the puppies
Planning (meals, workouts... anything)
Work

There is always something that can be done to fill time and silence. I remember the days I thought I would never have a quiet house again. From the day Devin learned to do the Tarzan yell right before my sister's wedding to all the playing, reading, talking, just plain being silly, going to practices and games, there was always something to fill the time and silence. There were many days I wished these days away. Times I longed for a little quiet and rest.

Well, those days are here and I find myself completely unsure how to fill the extra time.

I was very young when I became a mother. I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do or who I wanted to be. I've changed so much over the past 19 years. Over those years I worked hard, I gladly made sacrifices so I could be what I thought was the best mom I could be. Some days seemed to go well, other days seemed a total flop. But I love(d) being a mom.

(Side note: Parenting "adult" kids is hard! Am I done? When do I step in? Only when asked? What crosses the line as overly involved? How and when do I let him fail and learn? I mean skinned knees were much easier to allow than the life altering choices of now.)

Regardless, here we sit in present day. A year after all the soccer mom running around ended, six months after high school graduation and you know what I've realized? I still have no idea who I am. So maybe this whole being still thing is hard because I'm afraid I'll have to figure that out. This isn't a bad thing, this can be an exciting thing!

And to help push me to do so, winter has arrived, apparently very early. The days are shorter and colder and that desire to do all the things seems to be waning. The couch calls my name much louder on these days. Maybe taking time this weekend to be intentional about being still will encourage me to do this whole be still thing more moving forward.

Every season in life is a gift to be enjoyed.
Maybe soon I will find more and more peace in the quiet moments and once again enjoy just listening (and maybe writing too!).