Changing Lanes

Tomorrow is the start of something brand new for me.
Tomorrow is the result of countless prayers.
But let me back up a little. Around the end of May 2010 the job I loved, working in Pre-K, was over. The administration had decided to change how things were done and that meant cutting the program in half. Half a program needs half it's employees. I trusted in God that He would provide for us. Summer came and almost went and I still didn't have a new job. But four days before the new school year started a woman I had become close with over the previous few years, whom I am certain God had connected me with, called about a job possibility. I interviewed and was hired that day as a child care instructor at a vocational school. I was ecstatic.

I often struggled with only working part time. As a single mom and sole provider I felt I should be doing more myself and relying less on the help of others. I prayed continuously for full time work or a second job. I sent countless resumes and received equal amounts of rejection letters. God reminded me over and over that my life was not intended to look like anyone else's life because it was mine. This time working part time allowed me to grow so much closer to God. While working part time God allowed me to do some other work He wanted me to do, and many of those jobs required time but not monetary payment.

The summer after I began working part time I felt led to start a women's ministry at the church I was attending. I would have never have felt I had the time to do that if I was working full time. I also would have potentially missed a lot of mom and son moments if I had been working full time. I would have missed a lot of middle of the day coffee conversations and lunch dates with some of my favorite people. I would have missed helping my grandpa through his illness last year. I quite possibly would have missed going to Belize this year, because many of the things mentioned in the previous sentences are how I came to go to Belize to begin with. I could list countless opportunities and relationships with new and old friends that God had planned that I might have missed out on had I been working full time.

Financially working part time is rough. This year, financially, was probably the most difficult I had faced in the four years I worked part time. Yet this year also included some of the biggest monetary sacrifices/ ministry opportunities I had felt led to be a part of. We missed sooo much school because of the weather, and well, no school means no work, and no work means no pay. Many times I even wanted to back out of the mission trip and use that money for other things that seemed more important. But God assured me He had a plan, so I continued to be obedient to what I felt He was leading me to do.

I felt very strongly early in the spring that I was to quit my job at the close of this school year. I had no idea what I would do, but I felt very strongly that it was time to move on. I knew worst case scenario I could substitute teach until God made clear His plan, or maybe that was His plan. But God was already working on those details too. I also felt early in the spring to start a Saturday morning coffee group. Through this group God connected me with another woman who led me to another job interview. And that interview led me to tomorrow. In late May, 4 years to the date of losing my job, I learned I was hired for a full time position. Tomorrow I re-enter the full time work world! I will be working as a Preventionist (on preventing drug and alcohol use), primarily with 5th-8th grade students. I am very excited about this opportunity.

Along with my excitement also comes a little anxiety. Not sure if I've mentioned it in my blog yet or not (ummm, yes, only a million times, I know) but I don't like change. I like the routine I've gotten into. I liked my old job and was just really starting to feel comfortable and get in a routine there. I really liked the people I was working with. I liked having time to go to all of Devin's events. I liked being able have extended quiet time any day I wanted when things were challenging. I liked having time to work out and cook healthy meals. And I think that was all part of the problem. I was in charge, I was comfortable. It was time to shake things up and God has reassured me that this is what's next. So with that said, I'm ready to go back to work full time, at this job, for whatever reason He has for me. While the unknown can be frightening, I trust Him fully because He has never let me down yet!

"Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said " I will never leave you nor forsake you." So we can confidently say, The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?" Hebrews 13:5

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

"fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

And these are my confessions...

My confession is much different than Usher's confession. (You're welcome if that chorus is now playing in your head too.) My confession is this:

I hate to exercise.

Actually, no, that's a lie, I love to exercise. I hate making time to exercise. Is it ok to say hate in this case? Yes? No? Ok, how about this... I strongly dislike making time to exercise. I really, I mean, REALLY, struggle with this.

So here's the deal. And hear me out because I am afraid at first it will come off the wrong way to those of you who spend time exercising. However, I think, I hope, most people will understand what I mean. The problem is, I feel so selfish carving out time in the day to workout. I feel like there are probably about a million other things I should do with my time. Things that would work my body physically but also produce a result that wasn't all about me. In my mind working out seemingly benefits no one but myself. This make sense to anyone?

And here's the thing, before anyone starts thinking I'm sitting around judging you if you spend time in the gym, or walk, or run, or whatever awesome thing you do. ( I mean that, it's awesome.) I LOVE working out. Lifting weights is probably my favorite, but I'm way to intimidated to go to the gym and do it. And I can't even use that as a real excuse because I have some weights in my basement. I love accomplishing new things and seeing the progress that happens when I workout. I really admire people who are committed and disciplined in caring for their bodies.

So then, why don't I workout?

Which means 30 minutes is 2%?

Sadly, I believe the devil has convinced me of two things. First, that it's selfish if I take the time to workout. He has convinced me that working out is only to benefit my physical appearance and I shouldn't be spending time worrying about my outward appearance. (He sure doesn't mind the time spent mindlessly scrolling social media, or nap taking, or countless other things.) Second, that I'm not in good enough shape yet to do workouts I would truly like to do. He convinces me that I would just embarrass myself if I stepped foot in a gym, or tried some other workout moves.

Well, guess what? He's wrong! "... for he is a liar and the father of lies." John 8:44

So here is my struggle. While it may seem I have things under control (at least for a moment) in the weight loss world. Don't be fooled. The struggle is real. The struggle is daily. Once I think I have "it" figured out another obstacle almost always presents itself. And unless I start taking better physical care of my body, I may become smaller, but not necessarily healthier. I believe getting healthy is important to God. Taking care of my whole body helps me be the best mom, daughter, sister, friend, employee, and servant of God that I can be. Therefore, it's time I tell the devil that I know he is a liar. To let him know my eyes are fixed on Christ here, this isn't about me.

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your won; you were bought at a price. There honor God with your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

"And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:17

But I did do a little last week!

Turn Northward

When I woke up this morning it dawned on me it was Friday. It had been 9 days since I had written anything. No journal. No blog. No nothing. And my mind was blank. I enjoyed a long quiet time as the house was actually quiet this morning. I read my Bible, I read a devotion, I wrote in my journal and then I began to read "Made to Crave". But these verses captured me before I got very far and I never finished the chapter:

"Then we turned and journeyed into the wilderness in the direction of the Red Sea, as the Lord told me. And for many days we traveled around Mount Seir. Then the Lord said to me, You have been traveling around this mountain country long enough. Turn northward." Deuteronomy 2:1-3

This week something awesome happened. Well it's awesome to me, if you have never struggled with food or your weight, it will probably seem silly. Right now in this moment, the chain that was food, that has imprisoned me for all of my adult life (and probably longer), seems to be broken. Previously it didn't matter if I was eating healthy or unhealthy, food controlled me. I've spent a lot of time praying over the last 9 days to not let my stomach be my god. And suddenly, it's not.

Unhealthy eating habits controlled me by making me sluggish, cranky, adding extra pounds and robbing me off my self esteem and worth. It also left me with feelings of guilt, or maybe it was conviction, of knowing I was wrong in the way I was treating my body. But healthy eating had me trapped just the same. Labeling foods legal and illegal. Measuring success by the number on the scale, daily. Counting every calorie, feeling guilty if I went over. Not enjoying time with friends and family "because there was no acceptable food". Stopping and starting, on plan, off plan based on how I felt or what stress I had or holiday was coming, or any other excuse I could think of.

"Then we turned and journeyed into the wilderness in the direction of the Red sea, as the Lord told me. And for many days we traveled around Mount Seir. then the Lord said to me, You have been traveling around this mountain country long enough. turn northward." Deuteronomy 2:1-3

I was going round and round and round the mountain. For years. Enough is enough. Turn northward. Listen to God. Stop letting my stomach be my god. 

I still count every calorie.

I still weigh in every day.

I still restrict daily consumption of certain foods.

But my mind sees it differently now. (And I pray it stays this way!) I desire to lose weight and be healthier. These are tools necessary to reach that goal. Nothing more, nothing less. Calories help me make the most nutritious choices. Weighing in daily strangely helps me become less focused on the number. It helps me to see the number is always changing. It's not set in stone, the journey is ongoing.  These are all tools, nothing more, nothing less. They are guidelines not absolutes. Any of them alone cannot tell an entire story. But together can help me make better choices daily. Recognizing that certain foods have no health benefits helps me accept they just aren't needed- on a regular basis. Recognizing celebrations and eating out should just be enjoyed. One meal, one dessert, on occasion, will not cause me to gain weight.

I am excited to stop circling the mountain of "dieting". To stop setting up so many rules to follow and then break. I'm ready to continue northward, on a new path with new adventures and new destinations!

My Monday morning walk! 

"their god is their belly"...

"For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things." Philippians 3:18-19

Whoa. Our whole small group was talking about this verse last week. Ok, so our small group was really  small, but we were all talking about it. We are reading the book "Made to Crave" and this verse was in one of the chapters on growing closer to God. It's something I've thought about for a week and a half after our discussion. 

A good part of our discussion about the verse was did the author of the book take it out of context. Could it really mean that we allow our stomachs to control us? Surely not. Surely the author is just trying to get us thinking about our food choices, I mean that is the point of the book. Right?

Well how about this one about food choices...

"And the Lord God commanded the man, 'You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.' Genesis 2:16-17

So then what happened when Eve decided God really didn't mean exactly what He said?

"Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'? The woman said to the serpent, "We may eat fruit from trees in the garden, but God did say 'You must not eat from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it or you will die'. "You will certainly not die", the serpent said to the woman. "For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil". Genesis 3:1-5

So she ate it.

And we (ok, I) eat whatever our stomachs tell us sounds good in the moment.

So right here, right now, I'm back in. Back in remembering that my body is the temple of God. Remembering I am in no way honoring it when I feed it anything besides food, real food. God designed my body to need certain things like nutrients and vitamins to work properly. If I'm feeding it anything other than that, I can't function in the way He designed me to function. And I need to function to go out and make disciples, to love others, to be a mom, and countless other things. And if this weren't enough, take my other small group of ladies, we're reading "Kisses from Katie". This week we were reading about children, about people, literately starving to death, while I'm all over here needing to lose a hundred pounds. That should break our (my) hearts. Seriously. 

God really did say we would let our stomachs rule us. (Eph 3:18-19)

God really did say we must take up our cross daily and follow Him. (Luke 9:23)

God really did say that a fruit of the Spirit is self control. (Gal 5:22-23)

God really did say that our body is a temple for the Holy Spirit. (1 Cor 6:19-20)

God really did say to love others like we love ourselves. (Matt 33:39)

God also says I'm forgiven, I am loved, I am His child and I with Him I am an overcomer!

(Rom 3:24, John 3:16, 1 John 3:1, Rom 8:37)

I will be far from perfect. I will enjoy celebrations.  Please hold me accountable. Please don't tell me I'm taking it too seriously. Don't tell me I'm making something out of nothing. Because to me He seems pretty serious about this.

Rules

Rules? What rules?

Apparently earlier this year I made some crazy rules for myself about what I would and would not post. Guess what. I don't like those rules anymore. Sooo, I'm going to ignore them from this point forward. Why would I make rules about what I can post on my very own blog? Why would I limit myself? The sole purpose of this blog is to share with anyone who will listen about what is going on in my life. I've found that since limiting what I talk about I don't blog near as much. I sit down and write things, then decide it breaks the rules and delete it. Well, that's just silly. If I feel led to share something I'm going to share it.

I've learned a few things in one of my Bible studies recently. One of them is, I need accountability. Posting about Bible passages or weight loss or countless other things are all a part of accountability. The devil convinced me that no one needed to know about all that. Convinced me that I should keep as much of my personal life to myself. Wrong! Don't worry, I will try hard not to be an "oversharer". Obviously some things are personal and aren't meant for the world to know. But what if something shared encourages someone? What if it is the piece of the pie that helps keep me on track with working out or counting calories?

So here we go!

Captivated

Belize was wonderful! Words cannot describe just how beautiful the country and it's people are. Our hosts, the Armstrongs, treated us like family. The community welcomed us with open arms. Our trip leaders were amazingly patient in dealing with us. ;) The worship and fellowship with the other teams was so incredibly good for the soul. It was more than evident that the Lord was hard at work last week. I have been completely captivated by this entire experience. My mind is flooded day and night with scenes, faces and conversations from my week in Belize.

We were sent to Belize to share the gospel, and we did! We shared with families in their homes. We shared with over 100 children each day at vacation Bible school. We shared with nursing home patients and preschool children. We shared with community workers and people on the street. But the Belizeans were not the only ones with whom the gospel was being shared. Many of their lives were a beautiful picture of the gospel in action.

I knew going into this trip that it would most likely rock my world, at least a little. I already thought I knew some of the ways God was nudging me and how that would play into the trip. I expected overwhelming reminders to be content with what I have, or even less (especially after reading 7!). I expected to show my 14 year old just how "lucky" he is. However, I came away with something far greater! I came away with far more questions than answers. Some of these questions I will surely wrestle with for awhile before I understand just how He desires me to respond.

Shortly before I left for Belize I was certain that I would either love Belize so much I couldn't leave, or I would be so miserable there that I couldn't wait to get home. Boy was I ever wrong with both of those options. I'm not sure I can explain, but I loved Belize SO much, I had to come home to even be able to sort through my thoughts.

I came home from Belize with my eyes opened to just how far away I am from where the Lord desires to move me. Not in a guilt laden, shameful way. Quite the contrary! In a way that reminded me God loves me and has plans for me. In a way that made it abundantly clear that as long as I remain willing, He will continue moving me. Without Belize I don't know if I would have ever been so still and sought Him so fiercely. Without the people I met along the way I don't think God could have ever shown me just what it is I am missing. Without Pastor Armstrong's encouragement and words about joy, I might have missed it all.

I know without a doubt that one of the (many) reasons God sent me to Belize was to introduce me to people who understand joy. To allow me experience joy with them. To break my heart for people who don't know this joy, who don't have this connection with God who is the source of all joy. I feel my heart being pulled in what feels like a thousand directions. I look forward to the days, weeks and months to come as God helps me sort out all of these thoughts and feelings. I look forward to continuing to become more and more connected with God and experiencing His joy. I look forward to sharing His joy with all of those around me.

FYI... If you would like more details about the actual trip and to see and discuss more pictures, let's do coffee!!!