All He ever wanted...

I was working on a blog post this morning, one that was pretty slow in taking shape, when I heard this song by Casting Crowns:

The lyrics of this song were so spot on with what I'm struggling with right now.

I take part in two small groups. Last week in small group, after discussion about the scripture we had been studying one of the ladies announced, "We are just crap!" We all laughed, but we all knew it was true. Last night in small group while discussing the book we were starting one of the ladies announced, "We just suck!" Again we all laughed but we knew it was true. Different ladies in both groups, the message still the same, and it got me thinking it must be one I needed to hear.

I realized this morning I hadn't blogged in over a week. I pulled out my paper and sat there with pen in hand ready to write.

Nothing happened.

I waited a little longer.

Still, nothing happened.

I tried to think back on scripture I read recently and hoped that would spark a reminder of something God was teaching me. And that's when I realized why I hadn't written in over a week. I hadn't spent any serious quality time with God in over a week. Sure I'd read verses here and there. I'd read the passage we are reading in one of my small groups. I've prayed here and there. I'd even had a good cry with God about something I'm afraid of. But I have not sought Him. It's been all about me.

In small group last night we talked about heart condition. Not doing things because it's the right thing or because we have to, but because we love Jesus so much we can't imagine life not doing it. So why am I not seeking Him continually? Why don't I get up early enough to start my day with Him? No one, myself included, wants to admit the answer to these questions. The only reason must be He is not my first love.

Let me give you a glimpse at what I'm talking about. 

Every morning I wake up with exactly enough time allotted to take care of the dogs, have breakfast, get Devin up, get ready and get out the door to work. Even oversleeping 5 minutes in the morning will make me late for work. I know this is not the way to start the day, but I continue to do it anyway. After work I come home, prepare lunch, run any errands and do any chores. Then I plan to have my quiet time and work out. After that it is time to pick Devin up from school and start getting ready to cook dinner. Then almost every night at least one of us has a night activity. Later there is homework to help with and before you know I'm too tired to focus and it is time to go to bed. 

That doesn't sound bad, but let me tell you what really happens. It doesn't take much for those afternoon chores and errands to take over leaving no time for my quiet time or work outs. And when night comes, I promise myself I will get it in the next day. I even, ashamedly, occasionally try to rationalize that I purposely spend extra time in the Word on Sundays so that must count for something. 

I finally accepted about a week ago this was a problem. The only solution I could find to this problem was waking up earlier, much earlier. I decided start small, just adding quiet time, but that would still require about an hour earlier wake up time, since I'm trying to add a little cushion to the morning routine as well. So far this week, I have confirmed the two statements of the ladies in my small groups. I am crap. I suck. Yep, I have failed miserably at getting up earlier. So where does that leave me? How does this make me feel?

It leaves me with eyes wide open to how big this problem really is. It leaves me to stop comparing myself with others. Come on you know you've done it too... Well, I'm sure I'm still doing more than most people are doing.... It leaves me to realize that it doesn't matter if I get up at 6:00 and spend 10 minutes in the Word, or 4:00 and spend 2 hours in the Word, if my heart doesn't want to spend time with Jesus, He'd rather I not do it at all.

That my friend is not an easy pill to swallow.

If I want to love others like Jesus loves me, I need to love Jesus.

And I do!

However I apparently have a very funny way of showing it.

And as G.I. Joe, or He-Man or some other 80's cartoon man said "Knowing is half the battle"

I thank the Lord for opening my eyes to my hurtful and neglectful behavior. From here on out I choose whether or not to wake up every morning with a fresh desire to love Jesus and grow closer to Him, or to tell Him I'll catch Him later, when I can fit Him in.

Choice seems like a no brainer to me.

Will it be?
All He ever wanted was my heart.

This is how you can pray for me. How can I pray for you?