Perfection

God is just never done with us. Ever.

If I can ever wrap my brain around that I will truly be free. 

Where did we even get it in our heads that we need to be perfect? Wait, maybe that's the wrong question. We should be seeking to be like Jesus every day and Jesus is perfect. BUT it's like we miss the part that says we can't obtain perfection here on earth. It's OK that we aren't perfect. The problem comes when we have too much pride to admit that we aren't. We can't be Jesus. End of story. Victory comes when we humble ourselves before the Lord and say mold me. When we say I want to walk with you every moment of every day just so that I can be more like You. 

We see this happen in life all the time. Little children, who do they imitate? Their parents, their siblings? Why? Because they spend so much time with them. Why do we worry about the friends our teenagers choose? Because we know they are going to be spending a lot of time with them and most likely they will behave similarly. 

So what's going to happen when we spend a lot of time with Jesus? We are going to start talking and acting like Him. It's going to show. If I walked every day like Jesus was physically with me all day, I bet often times there would be choices that were made much differently. But for whatever reason I ( and I doubt I am alone) often tend to invite Him in regularly when there is serious trouble (that I didn't cause or is far beyond my control) or when things are going really well. I don't invite Him in as often when I feel like I've messed up for the millionth time. When I told that little white lie to myself or someone else to get out of something because, well, I just didn't want to do what He needed me to do today. I don't invite Him in as often when I feel like I've failed because I want to be perfect just like Him and I can't bear His disappointment in me for failing Him, again. 

And my twisted way of thinking is so backwards in these times. I'm telling God I don't need Him, I'll fix it myself, He's going to be so proud, wait until He sees what I did for Him, all by myself. Whoa! Wrong! If I could just surrender my pride and ask for help. If I could just understand that Jesus takes me just as I am. If I could consistently walk with Him not just daily but by the hour and minute those fears of perfection that plague me are going to fall to the wayside. If I can learn to accept that I'm gonna mess up and it's OK, then watch out because mountains are going to move. If I can learn to hand Jesus my mistakes and repent genuinely, He's going to teach me from those things too. I know this because He already has in the past. There is not a thing I have gone through, and I've been through a lot, that Jesus hasn't somewhere along the way used as a lesson for me. And sometimes those moments I thought I had completely failed, are just the things that help me relate to someone else. Help me to show someone else they aren't a failure. I can be an example of bringing beauty from ashes, a mess into a message... Well, you get the point.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

There's a wonderful song I recently found that I just love. It's by Dara MacLean and the lyrics say:

All my life

Every breath

You are Lord

Every step

You take me to the mountain

You take me to the depths

You take me to the fountain

When I have nothing left

You lift my head

You are all I need

You are strength

Never failing

You are all I seek

You alone are enough

In You I'll live

In You I'll stay

By your word

Light the way

These words are my prayer, that I would know Jesus is all I need. That I would seek His perfect plan and understand His goodness, grace, mercy and power just this way. 

Comfort food

Bear with me, I'm having a little moment over here. I'm cold, hungry and sick, which could also be interpreted by most people around me as just plain grumpy. I just want a little comfort food, is that so much to ask? My mind is convinced this would make me feel better. But it's that first little, just this one time, that gets you. Comfort foods aren't even off limits really, I just tend to want to eat them in larger quantities than I should. And I'm sure if I looked hard enough, there are enough healthy foods options around here, surely one of them could possibly comfort me. Then it hit me, I'm totally missing the point here.

This weight loss journey for me is about so much more than (hopefully) watching the numbers tick off the scale. It's about a journey I believe God told me I absolutely had to take. So, I find myself wondering why the first place my brain goes when it's seeking comfort is either to just retreat from a situation completely, or to comfort food. You would think this would be obvious. That it would send alarm bells sounding off in my brain, but it hasn't, until now. And even now they seem to be more like the beep of my cell phone battery running low, rather than the tornado siren that should be going off in my head. 

The problem here isn't that during this fourth week of trying to eat much, much better, I occasionally find myself hungry. That's easy to fix... If I'm really hungry I should go eat something healthy. The problem here isn't that my body doesn't handle cold weather well. But that's fixable too... Put on socks, layer more clothes, or turn on the space heater. The problem here isn't that I'm sick. Well, that's maybe not as easy to fix, but it's only a cold and will pass very shortly. The problem here is that I'm grumpy about it all. The problem here is what I choose to turn to so that I can escape feeling icky. The problem here is the food seems to be holding all the power.

Ahem.

I would also like to state here that it is almost embarrassing that such small inconveniences have caused me to "suffer", therefore bringing about this entire blog post. I, at least say that I, am completely aware that there are people who have no food, no heat and are suffering from incurable diseases. But for today, for me, these small things were my suffering. I know they don't compare to the actual suffering of many people. 

Today in this suffering, it finally clicked. I'm more than positive I should be looking for comfort from any suffering, big or small, somewhere besides the bottom of a bowl of pasta or a cookie. Say from Jesus?

The worst part? I know this! I know He's there. I know He's been there. I know He's not going anywhere. I know that He revealed to me over 7 months ago that this was a problem and it was time to get it under control. (You could read about it here if you wanted to.) And I did good for a few months, then I just stopped. In the back of my mind I knew God said I had to do this. I know He's got big plans and this is only the beginning. So January 1, I started back, but even after all this time I still didn't really get it. I thought I needed God to help me resist temptations, to keep me from overeating or from eating "forbidden" foods. I thought getting healthy was the goal. Guess what? That might not be it at all! Will He help me do those things when I ask? You betcha. He has. But is that all He wants from me? Not even close.

He wants to be my comfort!

Every time I turn to food, healthy or unhealthy I ignore His desire to be my comforter. When I'm feeling hungry, before I head to the kitchen, He just wants me to turn to Him first. (Because sometimes, I'm really not hungry, I'm bored, sad, angry, happy, or one of a plethora of other emotions). And guess what He really, really wants to be there for me, through all of those things, and more. When I'm cold, sick and just plain grumpy, I need to simply put some socks on, take some cold medicine, pray and seek Him in scripture. So this is what I did, minus the socks, I just don't do socks really.

Christ wants to be your comfort too!

Christ wants to comfort us through everything. 

Christ will comfort us through everything.

We just need to ask.

Every time we allow Christ to comfort us, He can then use us to comfort others. Life is tough. Some days are tougher than others. He's there for all of them. Let's seek Him. Let's be there for one another.

Every time I seek Jesus for comfort instead of seeking food I give the power back to whom it belonged to in the first place. 

Victory! 

While my suffering is small today, I'm reminded once again...

Feast on Jesus, truly the best comfort food I know.

What do you turn to instead of Jesus for comfort?

All He ever wanted...

I was working on a blog post this morning, one that was pretty slow in taking shape, when I heard this song by Casting Crowns:

The lyrics of this song were so spot on with what I'm struggling with right now.

I take part in two small groups. Last week in small group, after discussion about the scripture we had been studying one of the ladies announced, "We are just crap!" We all laughed, but we all knew it was true. Last night in small group while discussing the book we were starting one of the ladies announced, "We just suck!" Again we all laughed but we knew it was true. Different ladies in both groups, the message still the same, and it got me thinking it must be one I needed to hear.

I realized this morning I hadn't blogged in over a week. I pulled out my paper and sat there with pen in hand ready to write.

Nothing happened.

I waited a little longer.

Still, nothing happened.

I tried to think back on scripture I read recently and hoped that would spark a reminder of something God was teaching me. And that's when I realized why I hadn't written in over a week. I hadn't spent any serious quality time with God in over a week. Sure I'd read verses here and there. I'd read the passage we are reading in one of my small groups. I've prayed here and there. I'd even had a good cry with God about something I'm afraid of. But I have not sought Him. It's been all about me.

In small group last night we talked about heart condition. Not doing things because it's the right thing or because we have to, but because we love Jesus so much we can't imagine life not doing it. So why am I not seeking Him continually? Why don't I get up early enough to start my day with Him? No one, myself included, wants to admit the answer to these questions. The only reason must be He is not my first love.

Let me give you a glimpse at what I'm talking about. 

Every morning I wake up with exactly enough time allotted to take care of the dogs, have breakfast, get Devin up, get ready and get out the door to work. Even oversleeping 5 minutes in the morning will make me late for work. I know this is not the way to start the day, but I continue to do it anyway. After work I come home, prepare lunch, run any errands and do any chores. Then I plan to have my quiet time and work out. After that it is time to pick Devin up from school and start getting ready to cook dinner. Then almost every night at least one of us has a night activity. Later there is homework to help with and before you know I'm too tired to focus and it is time to go to bed. 

That doesn't sound bad, but let me tell you what really happens. It doesn't take much for those afternoon chores and errands to take over leaving no time for my quiet time or work outs. And when night comes, I promise myself I will get it in the next day. I even, ashamedly, occasionally try to rationalize that I purposely spend extra time in the Word on Sundays so that must count for something. 

I finally accepted about a week ago this was a problem. The only solution I could find to this problem was waking up earlier, much earlier. I decided start small, just adding quiet time, but that would still require about an hour earlier wake up time, since I'm trying to add a little cushion to the morning routine as well. So far this week, I have confirmed the two statements of the ladies in my small groups. I am crap. I suck. Yep, I have failed miserably at getting up earlier. So where does that leave me? How does this make me feel?

It leaves me with eyes wide open to how big this problem really is. It leaves me to stop comparing myself with others. Come on you know you've done it too... Well, I'm sure I'm still doing more than most people are doing.... It leaves me to realize that it doesn't matter if I get up at 6:00 and spend 10 minutes in the Word, or 4:00 and spend 2 hours in the Word, if my heart doesn't want to spend time with Jesus, He'd rather I not do it at all.

That my friend is not an easy pill to swallow.

If I want to love others like Jesus loves me, I need to love Jesus.

And I do!

However I apparently have a very funny way of showing it.

And as G.I. Joe, or He-Man or some other 80's cartoon man said "Knowing is half the battle"

I thank the Lord for opening my eyes to my hurtful and neglectful behavior. From here on out I choose whether or not to wake up every morning with a fresh desire to love Jesus and grow closer to Him, or to tell Him I'll catch Him later, when I can fit Him in.

Choice seems like a no brainer to me.

Will it be?
All He ever wanted was my heart.

This is how you can pray for me. How can I pray for you?

What just happened here?

I sat down, excitedly, Tuesday night to type up my Wednesday Weigh In post for this week. I had pictures ready and felt the week had been a success. I would just type it up and plug in if I lost in the morning and click publish. But my mind kept getting distracted and somehow this happened instead.

I've seen a lot of people's New Years resolutions talking about giving up Facebook or limiting time spent on it. I personally don't have a problem with Facebook. Ok, maybe I do have a problem with Facebook, maybe I spend way too much time on it, but that's not what I meant. I meant I don't have a problem with using it. My struggle with all social media comes from fearing I have overshared or with knowing what personal things I should share. Praying before posting generally eliminates this problem... if I actually take the time to pray first. Occasionally blog posts are just thrown together, but I generally I have spent a lot of time writing and rewriting posts before they ever actually make it to the computer. You can usually tell if I just threw something together out of emotion on Facebook, Blogger or even Twitter. I try to remember that everything I share should be a direct reflection of Jesus. I try to remember that the things I post may be the only glimpse some people have into what it looks like to live as a Christian, this includes the good days and the bad days.

Of course there is no absolute right or wrong way for each of us to post, each of us should only share what they feel comfortable sharing. However, abiding by some general rules of etiquette isn't too much to ask is it? I personally have really tried to get away from posting tons of personal information on my page. I often find myself putting the more personal things in a blog post, or on Twitter. My thought was always if someone really wants to read it they will click on the blog, but I suppose that still doesn't always mean it should still be shared. Now don't get me wrong, I still post personal stuff, some stuff is just plain funny, or sad, or exciting and I share those things without a second thought most times. If you haven't noticed a lot of my social media revolves around just how much I love Jesus. I can't help it, Jesus saved me. I was drowning in this thing called life and He saved me. I can never repay Him and amazingly He doesn't expect me too. So the least I can do for the rest of my life is tell people just how wonderful He is. And for me social media sites such as these are just another way to do that.

But the whole time I was trying to put my weekly weight loss blog online I couldn't stop wondering why I spend so much time on social media sites that encourage us to boast in ourselves? Do I really need to share with everyone all about my week of eating and working out? Probably not. 

On a personal level I was having a hard time justifying all that comes with keeping up with other peoples personal posts, as well as sharing my own. I suddenly became aware of just how much time I spend on myself when I don't even realize I do. Once I started looking I realized just how much gossip, cursing and hurt can be thrown around each day on social media sites. It's like our own little daily OK magazine. But instead of big name celebrties those around us become the victims of the tabloid. And it seems that many of us actually seek to make ourselves the star. Some of us seem to desire for everyone to be following us and keeping up with our life happenings, talking about our greatness, our children's greatness. (Maybe all of us?) Please hear me out, sites such as Facebook are wonderful tools for keeping up with friends and family and connecting groups of people. Groups such as my sons school page, my women's group pages, a weight loss group and more. As someone who previously led a women's group it was wonderful to have about 90% of the women from the group on Facebook, to be able to quickly ask for help when a need arose in our clothing ministry, inviting everyone to events, reminding about upcoming activities and more.

The question still remained however, what changes did I need to make? If I'm honest this thought started days ago and it wasn't until I sat down and tried to write about myself that I couldn't ignore it anymore. Here's what I came up with, but I will continue to pray about how I use each of these outlets. Facebook is staying, I would miss keeping up with my friends and family. It's the easiest way to know when my sons practice is cancelled, when someone needs prayer, or when the next girl's night will be. Twitter is going. Blogger is staying, with a few changes. No more Wednesday weigh ins, no more posts all about me. (If you want to know all about me, let's hang out, talk, do something!) The blog will be about what I intended for it to be about all along. Jesus. The journey of learning to love like Jesus has called us to love. The blog all got started because of this post, this book.  Jesus does some great things in my life, helps me through many trials and so much more, I will be sharing all of this with you if you choose to read. But my life isn't about me, and neither should anything else be. It seems dramatic to me, but it's the truth. I gave my life to Christ, it's all His, or that's how it's suppose to work at least. Will I use personal stories to share what God is doing, you bet I will! But I desire to try to take any focus off myself and give all the glory to God, where it belongs.

"Whatever you do in word and deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father." Colossians 3:17

(After proof reading this post I feel it very important to add here that if you think this post is directed at you, you should know that you were not who I was thinking about when I wrote this post. But if you really feel like it is directed at you, maybe it is because it is something you are struggling with as well? I however had no one in mind but myself as I wrote this post about not posting about myself... see the irony, I do)

Wednesday Weigh In 2014 #1

I know what you're thinking because I'm thinking it too... Here we go again!

Give me a little credit for never giving up completely. I weighed in this morning and found I gained almost 9 pounds back from my last weigh in on September 18. I'm just glad it wasn't all 30 of them!

So here's my plan:
Eat better
&
Work out
Think it will work?

But seriously, that's why I call it a journey. Weight and food choices will forever be a struggle I face, it will never truly be the end. I will change my mind a gillion times this year alone trying to figure out what works for that moment. So right now on this leg of the journey, I'm trying the Fat Smash diet, which I did successfully many moons ago. There is nothing funny to it, there are no special foods. It's just a diet that is broken down into 4 phases, initially eliminating most foods, including coffee (you have been warned!) and allowing mostly fruits and veggies, then slowly bringing them all back in. The final cycle is maintenance and you can continue cycles 1-3 as many times as you would like if you choose to do it that way.

I'm also giving Plexus a try. I realize it will be impossible to know if it works, since I'm changing everything at the same time. But you know what it doesn't really matter so long as the pounds come off. If my brain needs to think drinking a bottle of pink stuff gets the pounds to come off then by all means I'll drink the pink drink, at least to get started.

As far as workouts go, I plan to elliptical or walk and lift weights 3 days a week. I really want to give spinning a try but I'm not brave enough yet... Hopefully soon!

And of course, once again (3rd times a charm) reading Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst because she does such an excellent job reminding me why I need to crave Jesus more than I crave food. Food is to fuel our bodies. Jesus can fuel everything else.

If you are starting your weight loss journey today let me know! Maybe we could hold each other accountable? I know I could use all the encouragement I can get.

If you missed my thoughts on goals and resolutions for 2014 you can check them out by clicking here.