Wednesday Weigh In (17) | Obsessed

Seven day scale fast starts today... I was becoming obsessed. Sometimes weighing twice a day.

I'm an Overcomer! :)

I must confess

I've tried to write two other blog posts this week, but I keep coming back to the one true thing on my mind this week. I thought about saving this post for my weigh in tomorrow, but decided to go ahead and say it now.

I have a confession.

I cannot function without rules.
This is a fact.
I need rules.
I need a plan.
I'm either all or nothing.

I've been this way for 34 years, so why now is God telling me that this might be a problem. A big problem.

I actually think I've known in the back of my mind this needed to be addressed. But I wasn't really thinking it was for godly reasons. But lately it seems every time I'm about to make another list, or plan my day (or week), or make diet rules or anything along those lines I feel a nudge that asks "Do you trust Me"? To which I reply "Of course". To which I then feel the need to drop the pencil or quit overthinking.

And then I read this (An excerpt from "One thousand gifts: A dare to live fully right where you are" by Ann Voskamp) :

How can I trust when a troubled, joy-shriveled heart has pumped fear through the stiff veins of all my years?

I exhale. I'm still all knotted.

If I believe, then I must let go and trust. Why do I stress? Belief in God has to be more than mental assent, more than a cliched exercise in cognition. Even the demons believe (James 2:19). What is saving belief if it isn't the radical dare to wholly trust? I read it in one of the thick commentaries, that two hundred twenty times that word pisteuo is used in the New Testament, most often translated as belief. But it changes everything when I read that pisteuo ultimately means to put one's faith in; to trust. Belief is a verb, something that you do.

Then the truth is that authentic, saving belief must be also? the very real, everyday action of trusting.

Then a true saving faith is a faith that gives thanks, a faith that sees God, a faith that deeply trusts? How would eucharisteo help me trust?

I read the verse several times in the Amplified Bible on an afternoon while young hands work scales up and down the piano keys, "Jesus replied, 'This is the work (service) that God asks of you: that you believe in the One Whom He has sent [that you cleave to, trust, rely on, and have faith in His Messenger]'" (John 6:29 AMP) That's my daily work, the work God asks of me? To trust. The work I shirk. To trust in the Son, to trust in the wisdom of this moment, to trust in now. ANd trust is that: work. The work of trusting love. Intentional and focused. Sometimes, too often, I don't want to muster the energy. Stress and anxiety seem easier. Easier to let a mind run wild with the worry than to must the energy. Stress and anxiety seem easier. Easier to let a mind run wild with the worry than to exercise discipline, to reign her in, slip the blinders on and train her to walk steady in certain assurance, not spooked by specters looming ahead. Are stress and worry evidences of a soul too lazy, too undisciplined, to keep gaze fixed on God? To stay in love? I don't like to ask these questions, sweep out these corners where eyes glare from shadows. But this I must ask and I do, out loud, to the C-scale being played with certainty: Isn't joy worth the effort of trust?

And there was SO much more!

So then, I had to honestly ask myself- Do I trust Him? I want to say yes. I feel like at least some of things I try to plan are things He's asked of me. And of course there are some things that require a little planning. But somehow for me a little planning turns into overplanning.

Every time.
Every.
Time.

Do I trust Him to show me from minute to minute what He wants me to do? Do I trust Him enough to not make myself sick with worry about things I can't control- for example, a teenage son? Do I trust Him to hold me, tight, in His hands even when things don't go as I had planned?

Instead of spending time on planning. I need to spend more time praying. Praying and looking for opportunities to serve the Lord that might have otherwise passed me by. Stop worrying about specifics, like when is the right time, and just wait on His timing.

While every part of me wants to keep planning (and planning, and planning some more). I am beginning to understand why I shouldn't allow rules to rule my life. If rules are ruling, God's not. Even when I think I'm planning things "for Him", I need to stop. Living by rules and constant planning completely steals the joy out of God's plan for me. It also very much inhibits Him from using me like I want Him to.

"When I am afraid, I will trust in You" Psalms 56:3

Wednesday Weigh In (16) | Time in Between

"Don't take much for this crazy world

To rob me of my peace

And the enemy of my soul

Says you're holding out on me

So I stand here lifting empty hands

For you to fill me up again

But it's the time in between 

That I fall down to my knees

Waiting on what You'll bring

And the things that I can't see

I know my song's incomplete

Still I'll sing in the time in between"

- Francesca Battistelli

I've felt for quite some time now that I'm hanging out in the space in between in so many areas of my life. Work, school, church Belize and now even my jeans are in between! In almost all of these areas I know exactly where I'm headed. OK, maybe not exactly but I have a good general direction. I'm on the right path just haven't arrived yet.

Take my jeans for example since this is a weight loss post. I haven't technically dropped a size yet, however after almost 30 pounds, the size I started in is getting pretty baggy and starting to just hang there. But when I put on the next size down it generally looks (and feels) like it's hanging on for dear life. 

Time in between.

I had a conversation this past weekend with some other people on their own weight loss journey. All of us are taking very different routes but desiring the same results. All of us are doing what works for us in this moment, this in between moment. All of us wondering how you maintain once you reach goal. There is no one right way to get to goal. It's what we learn on the way to goal, that in between time, that determines if we can maintain. 

Did we choose a path that we know we can endure for a short time or as long as we are seeing a loss, but will have to learn new skills to maintain. Or as we go are we consistently gaining new skills that will allow us to maintain once we get there. Even in maintenance, different things will work for different people. There is no one right way. We can all learn from one another.

This applies to so much more than just weight loss. Have we chosen a path for our life that we can endure for a short while, hoping to see quick results or get things cleaned up and then change paths later? Or are we on the path Jesus laid out for us, gaining the skills He needs us to gain along the way to prepare us for our next destination. Holy Spirit guided new destinations or Mandy guided try all the easy paths until I find one that works? If I'm not choosing the path the Holy Spirit is leading me to I am missing out on so much. And I'll most likely feel like something is missing. Something big. And that's because it is.

We must also remember, whether we are talking weight loss or other destinations, no two journey's, the time in between, will look the same. We need to support, encourage and love one another even when our journey's take very different paths. 

In reality that's all this time here on Earth is. Time in between.

P.S. Today's weight loss was .8 pounds making my total 29.2 pounds... That's 20% of my goal! 

Wednesday Weigh In (15)

I promise to start writing about something other than my weight very soon :) It just seems so many things worthy of writing about in my life right now are too personal to broadcast to the world. 

Maybe once I'm through this season, but not while I'm in it. 

I guess I could write about Belize, and I'm sure I will write lots about it in the months to come. I'm positive God has big things ahead during the months leading up to this trip. I could write about my excitement as I start this journey of preparing my heart to minister to the people of Belize. 

Excitement is contagious and our trip leader/ organizer is very excited about Belize and the people there. This will be her third trip and I'm pretty sure she wishes we were leaving tomorrow. To hear her and others talk about the country and people there makes me feel like I'm already a part, I can't wait for June to get here to finally be a part of the ministry there.

But for today I'll talk about this weight loss journey one more time. 

I feel freedom. It's so strange. If I haven't mentioned it, I'm a rules person. Rules and organization make me very happy. You might not know this by the laundry strung about my room right now but it's true. I'm trying to let go of planning every week, day, minute. Trying to do better at just listening to God, listening for God, listening to my body when it comes to food. 

I still dread the official weigh in on Wednesday's but I think I'm past letting it control how I feel about me, at least for now and possibly only as long as the scale is moving. I haven't logged a food in over a month. I haven't worked out due to injury (as if I was actually doing it regularly beforehand) and I'm still losing. This is huge for me!

I read this (click here) blog yesterday and it wonderfully describes my struggle. I can't let go... of anything. But this weight loss journey is helping me let go in so many other areas of my life. I feel if I can let go in this area and rely more on God, then I can do this in every area. I can break the rules if they don't have real purpose. I can seek God not just weekly, not just daily, but by the minute for what He desires of me, just like I try to do with this weight loss journey. I get excited when I even begin to imagine what it might be like to live totally surrendered to Him. And even more excited when I realize I probably can't fathom what that is like and how much better it might be than I could even dream.

So what did the scale say this week? I'm down another pound! Bringing my total to just over 28 so far. It's much slower going right now, but it's still going. And I could do this my entire life. I'm not counting things, or eating things I hate. I'm not working out 3 hours a day. I'm just trying to learn to listen to my body and fuel it when it needs fuel. When I do get in a workout routine, it's going to need more fuel and I'll have to learn to listen to that. 

I tried to talk myself into counting calories for two weeks just to speed things up and have a little reality check about things I could/should be omitting in my diet. But I decided not to, at least not yet. I know where I mess up for the most part and I don't want to go backwards. Now, there may come a time I REALLY need that reality check, but I don't think that time is now.

Rules, organization, and guidelines can be very helpful, don't get me wrong. 

But trying to live by everyone else's expectations and not listening for God's guidance and live by His expectations, is where I go all wrong. 

I'm learning to let go everyday and trust Him more. 

I'm letting go of control, even if it is little by little. 

Freedom is right around the corner!

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."

2 Corinthians 3:17

Wednesday Weigh In (14)

In case you've just begun reading my blog, let me catch you up a little. I started this blog as just a place to write about everyday life happenings and things Jesus is teaching me. During the spring of this year I began to feel God calling me to certain things, to do things out of my comfort zone and there was one thing holding me back. My weight. So on June 1st I began my weight loss journey. I asked Jesus to help me take better care of this body He has given me. I wanted to be all in to do anything He asked me to do. I didn't want weight to be an excuse ever again.

One of the things I felt God calling me to was a mission trip to Belize in the summer of 2014. Last night we had our first team meeting for this mission trip. I think these meetings will serve as soo much more than just encouragement and preparation for the trip. They will help serve as a reminder as to why I want to lose this weight. I want to be who God wants me to be. And He does not want me to someone who avoids all uncomfortable situations, because of weight or any other obstacle for that matter.

I can't wait to embrace the changes God brings to my life physically and spiritually over the next 9 months!

And I need your help on this journey, I need prayer partners. If you would be willing to partner with me in prayer over the next 9 months please let me know. Comment here, message me on Facebook, or even text me, the more the merrier! I will give you more information about specific prayer needs throughout the days, weeks and months leading up to our trip.

"Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by my Father who is in Heaven." Matthew 18:19

As far as weight loss this past week, among all the business of trying to prepare for a sale at my grandpa's house, all the fast food, ice cream and soda, I still managed to lose a little over a pound. I also lost another 4 inches overall during the past 5 weeks.