Beautiful Mess

Beautiful mess, that's probably what I would call this season of my life. There are seasons of my life I would have considered my life a complete mess that God somehow has brought beauty from. This is not the same. Right now I feel God's presence in my life which is absolutely beautiful is making my life a mess!

My mind is so all over the place. Which is maybe why I wasn't sure last Friday morning if God was speaking to me or if I had maybe been having a conversation with myself, not that this would be a first.

That morning drive to work went something like this:

Driving along just enjoying the quiet peacefulness of the drive. Thinking about how it was the last week of these peaceful drives, as school is out next week. I will definitely miss this time that I am guaranteed a little peace each day. Insert what might be the nudging of God... peaceful feeling gone...

Nudging: How much does the trip to Belize cost?

Me: (I spout back, out loud, even though obviously no one else is in the car) $1600

Nudging: How much money do you have saved?

Me: Ummm, about $1600

Nudging: Use it and go.

Me: Really?

Nudging: Yes. Really.

Me: But I was saving that money for a very special trip I am planning with my son.

Nudging: Then take him too.

Me: What?

Nudging: I said, take him too, what could be more special.
Me: But that's double the money...

Let me back up just a little bit. I have never, never, ever felt called to do missions work outside of my community. I've given to organizations such as Samaritan's Purse and Compassion International but never felt led to go. There have been times after reading books like "Kisses for Katie", I've dreamt of being called to some faraway place. But not for the right reasons. For reasons such as it seems so much more important or because everyone else seems to. But I prayed through it and God gave me a peace about work that needed done here. God made it very clear to me that there was work being done overseas that wasn't being done here and I could and should be doing that. I got excited about the things that He was calling me to do. Over the past year or so, through our women's group at church, we have been tackling needs of the community such as food, clothing, and school supplies. 

I can honestly say my desire to go overseas is nonexistent.  I have no desire to be called away from the comforts of home to face disease, bugs and food I'm unsure of. Yep, I am more than OK with being told there was work to be done here. 

So back to last Friday. I began making many attempts to rationalize with God that this was still me just asking Him to send me. I have been spending time with some very mission minded people and reading some very missions based books. Surely I have somehow come back to thinking I need to go overseas to do something to make a difference. I mean God you've given me lots to take on right here and I'm willing to do any and all of it... right here!

Then the next nudging came: Remember that CD grabbed as you walked out the door this morning? Put it in.

Me: Ummm, no. It's Audio Adreneline's Kings and Queens and I know what's on it. Not happening!

Nudging: Put it in.

Me; (Reaches for the CD and put it in. The CD player spits it our with an ERR on the screen. I consider saying well I tried but realized that's the equivalent of saying no. I put it back in, it plays.)

First lyrics I hear:

"You, you're scared to take a step, afraid to see what's next

So you wait 'til you think it's safe to move

You tend to think to much

You need to open up your heart to see where He is leading"

Me: Whoa! (decide to tune out the music and try more attempts at rationalizing with God. During this time the first song finishes and the whole next song plays and some of the third song.)

The next lyrics I hear are:

"I'm not afraid no, I'm a believer. 

And so I lose this life to find my way and come alive

They can try to deny what's inside me

But there is more, can't ignore all the things unseen

Oh, I believe I can walk on water with You, Lord"

The freak out meter went a little off the chart at this point, because I'm thinking He may actually mean this. I tried to think of ways out. Maybe my son isn't old enough?Yea, if that's the case I can know for sure it was just my idea. I rush down the hall at work, turn on the computer, check the website... He's old enough. 

So it's time for prayer and scripture. Because I can think of at least 100 reasons not to go... Maybe that will be my next  blog post! If you would please pray for me. Pray that I am obedient to everything the Lord calls me and my family to, here and everywhere. I really want to be able to pray "I'll do anything" and mean it. I need clarity about so much, here and everywhere! 

Such an exciting time to be His beautiful mess.

Lord,

Use me.
Amen.