A Scandalous Relationship

I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with the story of Hosea. I've read this story several times, but over the last couple of weeks God kept laying it on my heart to read this book. I kept putting it off, I was currently in the middle of reading another book of the Bible and wanted to finish. Hesitantly though I gave in last week. I'm so glad I did, I love this story so much more now! 

What I don't love about this story is the role I play in the story. But I love the reminder and illustration of God's love for me. While I know the story speaks to everyone, my heart holds a special place for women who are struggling with feeling unlovable or continually trying to find love in things or people who are incapable of loving them they way they need to experience love. I know what it's like to feel like something is missing and trying everything imaginable to fill that void. But only one thing fills it... Jesus.

I'm not sure what all you may have tried to fill a void in your life, or if you've ever experienced that feeling before. But I know that my list of things I tried is quite exhaustive; friendships, relationships, food, parties, clothes- and I'm just getting started. Of course none of this worked and deep down I knew why. My heart deeply desires to help others, especially women, before they have to endure some of the same heartaches I put myself through.

Back to Hosea. The book begins with the story most are familiar with when they think of Hosea. The Lord tells Hosea to marry a prostitute, Gomer. During the course of their marriage Gomer has 3 children. God tells  Hosea to name the children, Jezreel; symbolizing the end of the kingdom of Israel, Lo-Ruhamah; no love, and Lo-Ammi; not my people. 

Christ is our groom, we are His bride, are we faithful? Do we have other lovers? What behaviors or activities do these adulterous relationships birth? If these are not part of God's plan for our lives should we consider them illegitimate children? Are we Gomer? What or who is our Lo-Ruhamah or Lo-Ammi? The next 13 chapters in Hosea go on to describe over and over the hurt and anger God feels wen His people continually disobey Him, when they continually ignore Him. His heart breaks over our self destruction. He burns with anger over our adulterous relationships with idols we place in our lives before Him. 

The good news? His wrath is temporary! This is not a story of condemnation but that of redemption. God's love is redeeming. It is us who often refuses to put our faith and hope- our lives, in His hands. In chapter 6 verse 6 the Lord says: " For I desire mercy, not sacrifice, and acknowledgement of God rather than burnt offerings". God is not interested in what we think we can offer Him. We don't have to try to win Him over. He just wants to spend time with us. That's it. He desires us to have a personal- exclusive relationship with Him. If we will do that, if we will ask Him to forgive us and spend time getting to know Him, he will do the rest. Our hearts will be so changed by the time spent with Him we will no longer desire the things we were previously trying to fill the empty place with. "Take delight in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37:4. God longs to give you the desires of your heart, the more time you spend with Him the more your desires will reflect His desires- no more adulterous relationships or illegitimate children. Trying to fill those desires with anything other than Jesus is like trying to put a square peg in a round hole.

I don't know where you are in your relationship with Jesus Christ, or if you even have one. But I want you to know that He is real. He has and continues to work in my life. I am not who I once was. I once thought if I could fill my life with things I desire I would be so happy, then I met Jesus, really met him and there is no turning back. I'm sure I'm not exactly where He wants me to be but I'm pursing Him daily in hopes of getting there. My hope, trust and faith is in the Lord! I know the dark places I've been and light that shines in my life now. My life looks nothing like what I dreamed it would, but I honestly wouldn't trade it for anything. Only God could have redeemed me from where I was and shown me and taught me so much about love. Put your faith in Him. Get to know Him personally. He will not disappoint!

(Want to read a good story based on Hosea? Try Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers)

Officially Summer

Summer vacation!

 Although I'm not sure I would classify it as a vacation since the enormous to do list has already begun, I'll take it anyway. I'm super excited about these next few months. I'm excited to get caught up on housework, which for the past few months has included only the absolute necessary things, due to my grandpa and mom's health needs. This may seem odd, but I really don't mind to do it when I have time. I'm excited to have more time to cook for my family, which means healthier, fresher food for all of us. I'm excited about making time to walk, I've sure missed it. I'm excited about being able to spend more time with my son, even if it means running him to this camp and that, I'm lucky to be able to do that. (And I sure will miss him when he is gone a couple weeks this summer!) I'm excited about all the possibilities God has shown me lately and watching them (prayerfully) come into fruition. I'm excited for the opportunities I will get to serve others in the community through picnics in the park, back to school events and more. I'm excited to help with VBS, even if it's not as much as I wish it could be. I excited about time spent with family and friends, just enjoying one another's company. But the thing I probably enjoy most about summer vacation is this:

Having time to just sit on the porch, enjoy the peacefulness of the garden, watch it grow and getting to know my friend... Jesus. This is truly the quietest place, if you get here early enough, for getting in the Word and prayer around my house. And during the summer months it's warm enough to enjoy it. 

Beautiful Mess

Beautiful mess, that's probably what I would call this season of my life. There are seasons of my life I would have considered my life a complete mess that God somehow has brought beauty from. This is not the same. Right now I feel God's presence in my life which is absolutely beautiful is making my life a mess!

My mind is so all over the place. Which is maybe why I wasn't sure last Friday morning if God was speaking to me or if I had maybe been having a conversation with myself, not that this would be a first.

That morning drive to work went something like this:

Driving along just enjoying the quiet peacefulness of the drive. Thinking about how it was the last week of these peaceful drives, as school is out next week. I will definitely miss this time that I am guaranteed a little peace each day. Insert what might be the nudging of God... peaceful feeling gone...

Nudging: How much does the trip to Belize cost?

Me: (I spout back, out loud, even though obviously no one else is in the car) $1600

Nudging: How much money do you have saved?

Me: Ummm, about $1600

Nudging: Use it and go.

Me: Really?

Nudging: Yes. Really.

Me: But I was saving that money for a very special trip I am planning with my son.

Nudging: Then take him too.

Me: What?

Nudging: I said, take him too, what could be more special.
Me: But that's double the money...

Let me back up just a little bit. I have never, never, ever felt called to do missions work outside of my community. I've given to organizations such as Samaritan's Purse and Compassion International but never felt led to go. There have been times after reading books like "Kisses for Katie", I've dreamt of being called to some faraway place. But not for the right reasons. For reasons such as it seems so much more important or because everyone else seems to. But I prayed through it and God gave me a peace about work that needed done here. God made it very clear to me that there was work being done overseas that wasn't being done here and I could and should be doing that. I got excited about the things that He was calling me to do. Over the past year or so, through our women's group at church, we have been tackling needs of the community such as food, clothing, and school supplies. 

I can honestly say my desire to go overseas is nonexistent.  I have no desire to be called away from the comforts of home to face disease, bugs and food I'm unsure of. Yep, I am more than OK with being told there was work to be done here. 

So back to last Friday. I began making many attempts to rationalize with God that this was still me just asking Him to send me. I have been spending time with some very mission minded people and reading some very missions based books. Surely I have somehow come back to thinking I need to go overseas to do something to make a difference. I mean God you've given me lots to take on right here and I'm willing to do any and all of it... right here!

Then the next nudging came: Remember that CD grabbed as you walked out the door this morning? Put it in.

Me: Ummm, no. It's Audio Adreneline's Kings and Queens and I know what's on it. Not happening!

Nudging: Put it in.

Me; (Reaches for the CD and put it in. The CD player spits it our with an ERR on the screen. I consider saying well I tried but realized that's the equivalent of saying no. I put it back in, it plays.)

First lyrics I hear:

"You, you're scared to take a step, afraid to see what's next

So you wait 'til you think it's safe to move

You tend to think to much

You need to open up your heart to see where He is leading"

Me: Whoa! (decide to tune out the music and try more attempts at rationalizing with God. During this time the first song finishes and the whole next song plays and some of the third song.)

The next lyrics I hear are:

"I'm not afraid no, I'm a believer. 

And so I lose this life to find my way and come alive

They can try to deny what's inside me

But there is more, can't ignore all the things unseen

Oh, I believe I can walk on water with You, Lord"

The freak out meter went a little off the chart at this point, because I'm thinking He may actually mean this. I tried to think of ways out. Maybe my son isn't old enough?Yea, if that's the case I can know for sure it was just my idea. I rush down the hall at work, turn on the computer, check the website... He's old enough. 

So it's time for prayer and scripture. Because I can think of at least 100 reasons not to go... Maybe that will be my next  blog post! If you would please pray for me. Pray that I am obedient to everything the Lord calls me and my family to, here and everywhere. I really want to be able to pray "I'll do anything" and mean it. I need clarity about so much, here and everywhere! 

Such an exciting time to be His beautiful mess.

Lord,

Use me.
Amen.

Never give up

Is there anything more frustrating than going to use something and it doesn't work? Maybe the battery is dead.  Maybe it just hasn't been used in so long it doesn't work anymore. Nonetheless it's frustrating.

Aren't we glad God doesn't work this way! But how often do we work this way when God asks something of us? God never gives up on us. His batteries never run out. He is always happy to have his children come back to him. (But how much more effective could we be if we'd just say yes from the get go) I am no exception to this and it's amazing  to experience Him working in my life once I finally put my trust in Him.

"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation". Psalms  13:5

There is nothing like the excitement of knowing God is working in your life. But it might just be equally as exciting to see God working in the lives of others. It is so encouraging to hear what He is doing in the lives of others. It is also really exciting to realize that while He was nudging you about something- He was nudging others too! To see this as entire groups of people come together is awesome! To wonder if just one person says no how that would change things. Knowing He's speaking similarly to others is so encouraging. We're human- confirmation of God's plan is always welcome!

I've been writing for months now about a feeling of uncertainty as to what God was calling me to do. I knew the burdens He had laid on my heart, but I didn't know what to do about them. I felt confident God was telling me to wait. Wait because He's also called me to take care of my grandpa who suffers from stage 4 lung cancer and dementia. I am in my fourth month of this journey. It has been trying and exhausting but above all that it has been a blessing.

I get a sense that this season of waiting is coming to a close. The movement I see, the new things God's laying on my heart, the adventures I see on the horizon lead me to believe I am about to enter a brand new season. I've begged God for over a year to show me how He wants me to do the things I felt led to do. Finally through prayer, scripture and encouragement through some wonderful Christian people in my life I feel I finally know at least where to start. Exciting!

Taking a look back at my first post I can see just how I began my journey to love others as Christ loves me. I want everyone to experience His love. I don't want anyone to feel the unlove I have felt in my life or to think that's all there is to life. It's amazing to know the conversations I've had since, even just this week, to work towards making these words a reality. God is good! Looking back at that first post I can honestly say that through Christ I'm past the feeling of needing to wait for a man before I make things happen. That seems almost comical to me now.I talk in that first post about how every night we should go to bed exhausted, using everything God gave us for the day. I think about this often, especially when I'm having a day where I feel less than motivated. I can't help but wonder what might I miss out on?

Never give up, trust in His plan, His timing and His energy!

Beautiful!

Have you ever seen something and thought that's so ugly it's beautiful? I have, I said it just the other day to my son. I think my words were, he is so ugly he's cute. The he I was referring to was a bulldog with the biggest underbite I have ever seen.

So how do we define what is considered beautiful? Websters defines beautiful as: having qualities of beauty: exciting aesthetic pleasure or generally pleasing: excellent. 

 I got to thinking about the word beautiful Sunday morning as my pastor was speaking on Revelation 21. He was talking about the the new Heaven and new Earth that is to come and how we can't know what these will look like. But we can only imagine how beautiful these will be. They will be beautiful because they not only will be God's creation but because there will no longer be anything not beautiful! There will be no hurts, no blemishes, no darkness, but only good.

I couldn't help but begin to imagine how beautiful this will truly be! But I also got to thinking about how different my current vision of beautiful probably is when compared to that of a single mom in the slums of Haiti, one of the poorest nations in the world. I think that woman's vision of beauty might be much different than mine. I can't imagine the things she endures daily that shape her definition.  I imagine her beauty to be found in a much purer form, the smiles of children, the sun rising to allow them another day, food for their next meal.

Beauty for me has been definied by media, photoshopped images, and doctor perfected people. Beautiful in America is often manufactured. Things are rarely defined as beautiful in my world without being altered first.

Am I saying I completely buy into all of this, no, but you can't help but let it influence you to some extent.  For me personally one of my favorite places to observe beauty is at home. I enjoy sitting on my porch with a cup of coffee, enjoying the flowers, birds, squirrels, deer, rabbits, dogs, and occasional beaver, wild turkey, fox and other wildlife. Not only is my personal perception of beauty probably different than that the single momm in the slums in Haiti,  it's probably different than a single mom in NYC, Miami,  or Anchorage. I'm also sure it's different than that of a three year old... an 80 year old. What about difference between a man and a woman? So many things help us to define what is beautiful to us.

It excites me to think about the day when beautiful will be be defined exactly the same by all of us! What an awesome day that will be when we can put to death all the ugly things of this world; poverty, hunger, hatred, violence and the list could go on for miles.

Revelation 21:3-5 says:

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”

Lord, 

Let my life be beautiful and pleasing in your eyes. Please help me to show your love to all those I encounter in this life. I pray for opportunities to share your love and your word so that others will have the opportunity to experience your love and beautiful new world you will create for us!

In Jesus name

Amen!

LLFG- a series (Part 4): Popcorn!

More from Priscilla Shirer's Gideon Simulcast...

Yesterday was an awesome day.

 Lunch with an old friend I miss dearly, my grandpa was quite cheerful and I got to be a part of the start of something I have been praying about for a looong time. I believe this is the "wait" God has been talking about. It's here! Do you know how exciting that is? Too see things beginning to come to fruition is so exciting. I feel like a little kid on Christmas morning, I just can't wait to begin unwrapping the things God has planned.

I was going to take a break from Gideon and the simulcast today. I even started a post diving right into the very things I'm so excited about. However, it just wasn't shaping up the way I thought it should so I stopped. I pulled out my Gideon notes to see where I left off and this was the next line: "The first place to do our most impactful work is at home".

Whoa. OK God, I hear you, Gideon it is.

Now you might be thinking, I don't get it? And that's OK, I'll explain. Last night I went to the first meeting of a group of people whose hearts are geared toward missions. While missions abroad were discussed and will be a part of the group. I think we all came with a heart just as heavy for local missions. With a longing for doing the same things right here in our community that missionaries are doing overseas. So basically "the first place to do our most impactful work is at home."

My next line in my notes reads: "James 1: Going to emerge a different person". James 1:22 says "but be doers of the message and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves". Might have talked about that a few times last night as well. While I am on a continual journey of changing who I am, I firmly believe this new season is going to bring so much growth I will begin to again emerge a different person. Priscilla reminded us (and one of my favorite lines of the day) "You are not the same person you used to be, your name has been changed. Your Daddy named you and your Daddy is a King, so that makes you a princess- just saying"!

God has been doing so much work in me lately. Laying so much on my heart. While it may not seem so apparent on the outside, my insides are just a mess right now. He has been plowing the soil through scripture, books, people, etc., preparing me for what He has me waiting on. The Holy Spirit who reveals these thing to us has been speaking or nudging me oh so tenderly. The Holy Spirit literately (especially after last night) has been just about to cause me to burst from excitement! So many thoughts and ideas about many different things, but just knowing God's working brings such great joy. I had a very difficult time falling asleep last night because I just wanted to share everything  He was revealing to me. All the dots He was connecting. I could barely contain myself and had to pray to the Lord that He help me to discern what to reveal and when. (This is a battle of mine, I tend to get excited and jump the gun a little... maybe that's why He has been saying just wait ;) )But this reminded me of the illustration Priscilla shared at the simulcast about the Holy Spirit. She began by telling us how popcorn is made. Each kernel of corn has a tiny drop of water in it. When that drop of water is heated up on the inside the kernel begins to expand until it POPS! The Holy Spirit works the same way, living on the inside of us but as it expands POP, the outside changes too!

I can't wait to share with you as God leads this new journey. There is so much more I want to share that I am working out in my head and in prayer, and I will. I can't wait to see God at work in the lives of so many people in so many ways. I'm excited for there to be a light in this community and people who are willing to be the light for those who are going through a period of darkness, or for some, a lifetime. Because as Priscilla reminded us last Saturday: "People always turn to the light".

Lord,
Thank you! Thank you for sending your son to die so that we might have salvation. So that we have the opportunity to be a light to others. Continue to mold me into the me You intended me to be. Thank you for entrusting me with the responsibility of sharing your word and through the Holy Spirit guide me to people who need your word. Use me and let me be obedient to you. Let me not be just a hearer but a doer as well.
In Jesus Name,
Amen

Hands and Feet by Audio Adrenaline

Use me!

LLFG- a series (Part 3): Don't take the scenic route

More lessons learned from Gideon...

Obedience. This word keeps popping up everywhere. I don't feel like I'm disobedient, well most of the time. But I strongly feel like God is asking me to be obedient. To maybe better  understand obedience? To be obedient to something specific? All of the above?

Last Saturday Priscilla shared a story on obedience from her recent travels. Priscilla, her husband and a young woman who works with them would be flying out of the airport in Dallas. This is a huge airport and the young woman had not traveled much so she was a little overwhelmed. They got to the correct concourse, D, and got in line to go through security. Priscilla and her husband got through security much faster so they texted the young woman their gate, 22A, waited for the thumbs up from her and headed on to the gate. The time came to board the plane and the young woman had never made it to the gate. Priscilla and her husband, worried, boarded the plane. They tried texting her, no response. Finally as the plane was about to take off she came running on. When they asked her what had happened she told them when she got the message with the gate, 22A, she thought he meant A22! For those of you who don't travel much this meant a completely different part of the airport. They were in D22A not A22! She had gotten out of line, gone all the way across the airport, realized she was in the wrong place and come all the way back to where she started. The words Priscilla said next cut deep regarding how I sometimes treat instruction from the Lord. Her husband told the young woman that if she had just done exactly what he said she could have saved herself a lot of time and energy.

Oh what truth there is in these words! As a parent how often do I say this same thing to my son? But worse, how often is God saying it to me and I don't even realize it? Exactly what God says, God means. Whether it is words in the Bible or something He has laid on my heart, it's all true and He means it all. I know I am guilty of saying I'm just waiting to make sure that really what He means, or that it's really Him talking and not my idea... what a lot of time wasted. I'm also guilty of trying to find an easier way to get something done. Read, "taking the scenic route" as my dad would say. You usually end up right back where you started and have to follow the instruction you chose not to follow in the beginning anyway. And even if you don't start all the way over you can be sure it will take you twice as long to get there, all because you didn't trust the instruction you were given. Then there is the Bible, believing every word written on every page. Believing they mean exactly what they say they mean and not trying to shape them into what I would like them to mean or use them how it works best for me.

Want to know some good news? Do you know what waits for you and me on the other side of obedience?

VICTORY!!!

Judges chapter 7, verse 20 ends saying "a sword for the Lord and a sword for Gideon". Well I don't know if you've read the story of Gideon or not but his seemingly meager army of only 300 came to the battle each with a trumpet, an empty jar, and a torch. No swords. Priscilla pointed out to us that only the enemy had swords in this battle and even they, though in the hands of the enemy, belonged to the Lord. The enemy annihilated themselves! God was (and is) in control!

To gain the victory in any battle Priscilla reminded us that we only need one, the One. Every battle we face should begin on our knees talking to the One. From here we will be going into battle trusting God to bring us (and Him) the victory. We can't go wrong. Start on our knees. Praise Him for all He has done and is going to do. Then follow through in obedience. Do exactly what He says to do.

Seems so simple. Why do I make it so complicated?

Lord,
I've asked you to use me. I've asked you to send me. I've asked you to empty me and fill me with you. I've asked you to show me how to love like you love, and the list goes on. You have been doing and are willing to continue doing all of these things and so much more. It is up to me to be obedient. It is up to me to continue to draw closer to you so that I can recognize your still small voice and not confuse it with my own. Lord, all I ask of You today is just that  you continue to remain in me. Push me to be obedient, even if it's uncomfortable. Continue to nudge me, inching me further and further along on this journey with You.
In Jesus Name,
Amen

LLFG- a series (Part 2): "With arms high and heart abandoned"

More lessons learned from Gideon...

Do you ever feel like just getting out of bed is a battle?


No? Well, uh, me either (ahem, cough, cough)

Ok, yes, some days just getting out of bed is a battle. Lately, being a caregiver for my grandpa means sometime nights just getting to bed is a battle. Raising a boy, a 13  year old boy, can be a battle. Teaching can be a battle. Relationships are occasionally a battle. And the list goes on and on.

Gideon had a battle of his own to fight. His story gives a lot of insight to us when it comes to fighting our own battles. Priscilla started the day with the climax of the story of Gideon (Judges 7) and worked backward throughout the day. So the whole story here starts with defeating the enemy.

Two things we must remember when facing our own battles:

"The enemy is afraid of you"!

and

"Christ has already defeated the enemy"!

Before you or I let those feelings of defeat settle in, we should remind ourselves of those words. Satan wants to destroy you, that is his goal. He will do anything to upset you, anything to get you take your eyes off the prize. Satan will take your time, your energy and anything else he can to keep you from serving the Lord.

One weapon we have when facing a battle is worship. Priscilla stated "There is power in your worship". Do you really believe that? It's absolutely the truth. Priscilla also shared something else that brought about an aha moment in me: "It is a devastation for the enemy to know more about our potential in Christ than we do". What?! How true it this? And how often do we let this happen? The devil knows just how to convince us we are never enough, never going to be good enough at something, and that we won't make a difference. I strongly feel that if the devil is going to take time to pick a battle with us about something we better believe that something was just the outlet God intended to use.

So when do we worship? Only at church? Only on Sunday's? Do we even honestly worship our Lord and Savior with the worship He deserves then? (That is totally a heart question between you and God, not all worship looks the same). Well, then, when should we worship?

We should be worshiping God continually. Thanking Him for everything He has done and everything He plans to do in our lives. Thanking Him in advance for what He is going to do. Worship Him through every moment and situation. For me, a good majority of my genuine worship takes place in my car; windows down, music up loud, singing at the top of my lungs. (And trust me when I tell you that I am trusting that all worship is pleasing to the Lord because it is not an exaggeration when I say that no one else need be exposed to that- musically gifted I am not. But I love music and it is how I primarily choose to worship.) Let me be honest with you though, I wish I felt I could worship, "with arms high and heart abandoned" (The Stand), any time, any place and not just in the privacy of my car. I have some serious issues with letting go and being translucent with other people. Sigh. This is something I desire to overcome, my mind is just so overly critical of myself. (So much so that I'll be surprised if these lines even remain in this blog post). If only I could realize this for what it is, it is satan trying to defeat me. How much more useful, powerful in Jesus name, for Jesus I would be be if I could let loose and worship like my heart actually feels about Jesus.

Priscilla shared a story during the simulcast about Mama and Mimi. Mama is a woman in Priscilla's church who loves to worship. Mama can often be found dancing in the aisle  worshiping her Savior. Mama's daughter Mimi was about the same age as Priscilla. They had known each other and been friends since back in their youth group days at the church. Mimi had a disease however that eventually caused her entire body to harden. Mimi passed away in her early 30's. Priscilla remembers going to the funeral with several of her's and Mimi's friends. Sitting in the row right behind Mama to offer support if needed. But what she will never forget was during one of the quiet times during the funeral between two speakers, Mama got up and started praising the Lord! She thanked the Lord for allowing her the years she was able to spend with her daughter. She thanked the Lord for her daughters salvation and so many other wonderful things she felt the Lord blessed her with through Mimi. What a testimony of faith! You can bet the devil didn't see that coming! Priscilla continued by sharing that Mama was able to do this because Mama knows the secret to hope- "This is not our home!" She knew that Mimi was finally home and that she too would go home one day. This sorrow would not last.

"Choose to rejoice". No matter what, choose to rejoice. Yes, I realize these words are so much easier to say than to do. Even in situations much less heartbreaking than the loss of a child. But the enemy can not defeat you, satan cannot win the battle when we are praising the name of Jesus.

Lord,

Strengthen my faith to be that of the depth of Mama's. Show me how to rejoice in You in every situation. Allow me the courage and freedom in myself to worship "with arms high and heart abandoned" any time and any place. Take away my reservations and self consciousness that keeps me from giving you the praise you deserve. Empty me Lord and fill me with only You. Every day. Every hours if needed. I love you Lord and I want to the world to know, and not just know, but for them to love You too. I want everyone who knows me to know You.

In Jesus name,

Amen