Breaking Up is Hard To Do

And just like that it was time to say good-bye.

I avoided having this relationship for a long time. Maybe that is where a lot of the problem began. From that first moment when our relationship began I never dreamed that I would eventually hand over so much power and control. I never dreamed that my mood, even my entire day could be affected so greatly by you. If someone would have told me that I would ever let you determine my worth I would have laughed right in their face. No matter how many times I make excuses, you have become an obsession, an unhealthy priority, even a god. I've let you consume me.

If we were to take a trip back in time, back to when it all began, I remember you very fondly. You were so good to me! You always told me what I wanted to hear. You gave me the confidence I needed to continue to pursue my goals and to just be me. Somehow over time I have begun to realize that things are no longer healthy between us.

I've actually known for awhile now that this day was coming, but I really never thought it would be today. Knowing that the day was coming doesn't really make it any easier. Which goes to show just how much power I've let you have over me. But today is the day I say no more. Today is the day I take back control. Today is the day I re-evaluate what determines my self worth. Today I refocus on my why, which is to be the healthiest me I can be. 

Today I am breaking up with my scale. (Did I get ya 😉)

It was weigh in day today. I've weighed in a lot over the past several weeks and I keep getting the same result. I was so hoping today would be different. It wasn't. The scale told me that after 4 weeks of hard work I had not lost or gained one pound. I stood there staring down at the exact same number it gave me 4 weeks ago. To the ounce. I've seen it fluctuate over the weeks, but never below this number, only up then back to here.

If you have been following me at all you've hopefully noticed that I am back in this healthy life thing full steam ahead. I'm eating healthy. I'm working out regularly. I'm ready to take off this weight I put on last year and maybe then some. After 4 weeks of healthy food choices and working out incredibly hard I expected to see a little progress.

In that moment, standing there on the scale, I got so frustrated. I didn't care about the healthy food choices I had been making. I didn't care about how much stronger I felt in my workouts after just a few weeks. I didn't care that mentally I felt better. I didn't care that clothes fit better already. I cared that the number on the scale did not budge from the last time I recorded a weight at the first of the year. 

I felt that I was failing. What a false statement. I had been successful! I had made healthy choices. I was treating my body well and fueling it instead of just feeding it. I forgot that I felt really good until that silly number popped up.

So I thought about it for a little bit. I thought about my goal to get rid of the scale sometime this year. When making that promise to myself, I honestly thought I would hit some milestones before that happened. But, maybe that's not how it's going to work. I'm not ready to ditch it completely. I'm going to allow myself to weigh in the first of each month (today counting for my February weigh in), with the understanding that if at any time it continues to frustrate me AND I've been making healthy choices, it has to go away for a much longer period of time.

I've tried justifying in my head why I should keep it. 

"If you don't weigh you won't know if you are overeating."
False: Log your foods, buy healthy foods, listen to your body that is how you will know.

"If you don't weigh you won't know if this new timed nutrition plan is really working for you."
False: See above rationale. Listen to your body!

"If you don't weigh you will go crazy."
False: You were going crazy every time you stepped on the scale. This may help your sanity.

"If you don't weigh you will have no idea what great progress you are making."
False: There are other ways to measure success, embrace them!

Truth is, I should celebrate each workout, each healthy meal, everything thing I do to promote my spiritual and mental health. I should celebrate a little every single time I treat myself the way God intended I treat myself. I'm pretty sure I don't need a scale to help me do that.

Is this going to be easy for me?

Absolutely not. The scale is going to have to be put away somewhere that I can't get to it without asking for it. Won't my teenager be happy to help me with that?

After contemplating that stupid number for a bit I took some progress pictures. I'd love to show them to you but I'm not that comfortable. I don't think it's all in my head as I am trying to reassure myself that the month wasn't a complete fail. I think those pictures really did show progress. I also know some shirts fit different. I know that I'm stronger and notice progress in what I am able to do in my workouts every single week.

The journey continues... scaleless for now!

Fierce

It is the season of resolutions. I hereby resolve not to make any resolutions in 2018. Wait, I think I just messed that up!

Point is I'm going to set some goals for myself. I have a big birthday coming up at the end of 2018 and there are some things I would like to accomplish along the way before the big 4-0 arrives.

So I realized on New Years Day that I really hadn't given much thought to a resolution, as I usually do. I guess I also know that I never keep them so figured what's the point. But I was interested in making some goals, because otherwise how do you know what you are aiming for.

If 2017 taught me anything (it taught me A LOT), it taught me that a lot of potentially life changing things happen when you least expect them. The good stuff and the bad stuff. I expect 2018 to be no different,.

I feel like a lot of my resolutions and goals in the past were so rigid they allowed no room for life to happen in the midst of them. It was stick to the plan or fail. Well, another thing I learned in 2017 was I'd like to live life a little more (I say as I sit on my couch on a Saturday night writing a blog... but it's really cold out, so there's that.) I had to figure out a way to come up with things that promote living, and living life to my fullest, healthiest potential. And hey, maybe having a list to work towards will give me some things to write about. We both win!... well, maybe.

Here is what I came up with:

💗 Pay off debt. I want to say all debt. I also want to be realistic. I want to make a budget that makes a good sized dent in any debt I have.

💗 I want to be BRAVE! My brave looks far different than some other peoples brave. I want to try something new every single month. Suggestions and ideas are welcomed! This one is going to be very difficult for me. I will definitely need a little encouragement and support.

Joshua 1:9

💗 I want to travel somewhere I have never been before!

💗 I need to make time for all those pesky medical things I generally avoid. I talk a lot about health and wellness but I'll admit I avoid doctors like the plague. (Sorry doctors!) I will get my thyroid leveled out and I will start in on those recommended screenings. Maybe there aren't as many since I haven't hit 40 yet.

💗 I will see Devin graduate high school. But let's not talk about this yet.

💗 I am challenging myself to throw away my scale. I just want to be fit. Being fit has zero to do with the number that pops up on that thing. If I choose healthy, real food the majority of the time. If I move everyday for at least 30 minutes, then the scale is truly irrelevant. If I am making healthy choices physically and nutritionally then the scale has no power. My body will do what it is designed to do, if I treat it the way it needs to be treated and feed it the fuel it needs for each day that I am given. This too will be really hard and should probably just be done immediately.

💗 I want to walk 1,000 miles in 2018! This is roughly 84 miles a month or 20 miles a week. Want to know how many miles I have so far here on January 6? Zero. Zero miles. And yes, I own a treadmill and those miles count too. Still zero miles. Maybe it won't be so cold soon and I'll get some outdoor walking going again.

💗 Lastly, I want to learn to love life fiercely, passionately, without reserve. I want those around me -family, friends, strangers to know they are loved because let's be real, I can have some recluse, anti-social and a little awkward sometimes. 😊  I want to truly invest in everything I participate in. Jesus definitely loves me, difficult me, fiercely, I should learn to do the same. Jesus definitely lived his life fiercely, I should learn to do the same.

I would love for you to share with me some of your goals for the upcoming year!

Drop them in the comments and feel free to use these hashtags throughout the year with me!