Out of Darkness

This is a hard post to write, not the actual words themselves, they actually came quickly. The level of transparency is what makes the post difficult. I've been struggling with words for recent posts and nothing seems to come out right, but this post has words that need to be shared. I hope whoever needed to hear these words finds comfort in them.

Springtime is one of my favorite seasons. I appreciate the beauty of all of the changing seasons but springtime is a season of hope for me, and this year has been no exception.

I think a lot of us are trying to pull ourselves out of the funk that the cold, dark, winter days left us in. We rejoice in the sunshine and all of the colors coming back to life. 

With the newness of springtime also comes Easter and a lot of reflection of just how much God loves us. And for me personally, all of this could not weave more perfectly with my own life.

I've mentioned a few times that 2017 has started rough for me. As far as weight loss there has been little to none. It's been harder to find that drive to continue to make healthy choices and workout every single day. Things have just been off.

Something I haven't talked about much is just how much the enemy was attacking me through all of this. I don't know why this topic seems taboo. Why I feel like it's OK to talk about all the amazing things God does for me but not talk about how satan is attacking me.

Maybe it's because I think I failed in how I handled it. Maybe it's because it took a long time for me to realize that's what it was. Maybe it's because I get afraid of what people think.

Whatever the reason, the truth is satan attacked me hard for the first 3 months of 2017. I tried to fix it myself for the longest time. This of course only made things worse. There were spurts of time that I truly sought God to help me, but I think even in those times I was somewhat conditional.

Then it got really serious. I was not only being attacked regarding my health and fitness journey, but it got very personal too. I began to believe I was failing at everything. I was believing the lies that I was not who I claimed to be. I was falling into so many old patterns. I was so angry with myself.

I thought my trip to Belize would be a place where I would seek God with all of my heart and return changed. While  I think I began to let my heart soften there, and God was definitely speaking to me, I still wasn't ready to let go. It wasn't until a week or so upon returning, until things continued to spiral, until I couldn't even worship that I realized exactly what was happening.

It was then that I knew something had to give. That something had to be me. I had to let go of everything I was trying to hold onto that was not healthy for me. Have I been 100% successful? Not in the least. But am I seeking God with my whole heart to try and get it right? Absolutely.

I believe with everything in me that I am headed back in the right direction. I do not believe satan would have been so vigilant in attacking me and trying to convince me that I was the same girl from my past if he didn't want me to keep me from getting to what the future is holding.

Working in the yard today I was reminded by this thorn in the roses of another type of thorn and I think it fits perfectly with my recent struggles, my desire to do things myself -

"Even if I should choose to boast, I would not be a fool, because I would be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:6‭-‬10

I was reminded by all the new buds and blooms. That even in my weakness I am strong with Christ. That everything beautiful comes after a time of darkness. 

"Then Jesus again spoke to them, saying, "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life." John 8:12

I am trusting God and letting Him lead. I am excited to keep reaching for my goals.  I am reminding satan of exactly who has the victory!

I am back!